Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

The thread on people in their 40s struck a tone. We're like that -- in our 40s, kids in elementary, and effectively sexless marriage... less than 10x per year. Everything else is fine -- we get along well, share duties at home, no financial troubles, in good health/shape, etc. The few times we do have arguments, it's pretty much about sex. She'll initiate 1-2x per year. The rest of the time, I'll initiate and I get rejected at least half the time.

DW has said her libido is up only the week after her period, so that right off the bat limits us to 1 week per month, and then everything else has to be just right for it to happen -- right time of day, kids not home, fully showered, no headache, no chores to be done, etc etc. Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

Should I just declare this a sexless marriage and live with it, at least for now? My libido has gone down as I entered my 40s, so I'm guessing by our 50s I'll want it even less. What if I just don't ever initiate at all? I'm thinking I'll resent her less if I no longer have opportunities to be rejected, and there will be no tension of thinking if all the ducks are in a row such that she'll want to do it that day.

A friend of mine in his 40's got divorced a year ago, and said he's got a better relationship with his now ex-wife than when they were married -- no tension about sex.

I'm not interested in an affair, and I don't want to divorce because we're in all other aspects a great family unit and our kids don't need that trauma.

Am I crazy to be even thinking of this?

[Anonymous]

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

She was right about that (wasn't intentional, just lots of other things going on), but I never was that romantic, and she's wasn't romantic or affectionate towards me the previous weeks either.

That's been my action in the past -- try to be more romantic.. but this time around, it got me to thinking... it's just another barrier she's putting off in order to have sex. It's like you have to pass a list of 10 different tests in order to get it once every month or two... and I'm wondering if this is worth all the effort, when rejection is nearly as likely as well.

I just feel like she's treating it like some reward and I have to jump through all these hoops, while I've never rejected her nor set up all these requirements.

[Anonymous]

If you're not interested in an affair, you must not have a very high sex drive yourself, so what's the problem.

[Anonymous]

So interesting different people’s perceptions. I think of sexless as actually sexless, not one time per month which is about what you’re describing. My husband and I are less than that - maybe 5 times a year and I don’t think either of us would describe our marriage as sexless (we’ve discussed this). We both have low libidos (one due to medication), enjoy the times when we do do it very much, but also find intimacy a lot of other ways, are great parents together, have fun together. I think we would both describe having a really great marriage with of course some areas to work on like anyone. And I think after the kids are young hopefully sex a little more for sure. But anyway, yes you can be happy but it’s really up to you and your perception. I can’t imagine breaking up a good marriage and happy family over once a month sex (which I know is what you’re saying too, not worth divorce) but yeah I would maybe try to stop saying sexless since it sounds like you DO in fact have sex and it’s probably coloring your perception of things to view it that way.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter what you do, if she wanted to have sex with you, she would. She clearly doesn't. Sometimes she is so horny she is willing to let you have sex with her, but she has not attraction to you. You can't teach attraction, if sex is important to you, you will never get it in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Half of lesbians are sexless after 10 years together and they stay so it's possible but unlikely for a hetero marriage. I don't think it will work for you

My wife and I are also sexless, more than two years now (sex about 6x a year). I stopped initiating about 2 years ago so we dropped from about once a month to every other month. In some ways it's liberating to just accept I will never have a sexual marriage with her, on the other hand, I find myself feeling really distant from her, like she is a friend I could high five but not hug or be passionate with.

I doubt we will make it long term but she seems fine with it, talks about places to retire to while I think about what to do in 4 years when last one leaves the house.

FYI about a third of marriages of people 50 and up are sexless which is why you see so much cheating in that age range.

Good luck, I think you are doomed to three choices: cheat, be miserable or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what you do, if she wanted to have sex with you, she would. She clearly doesn't. Sometimes she is so horny she is willing to let you have sex with her, but she has not attraction to you. You can't teach attraction, if sex is important to you, you will never get it in this relationship.

This is the truth for a lot of women. They just lose attraction to their husbands. My wife feels the same. She finds me attractive but is not sexually attracted to me. Like how you would feel about a family member, you can see they are conventionally handsome but not in a sexual way.

I have thought about shelving the sex part entirely so when I cheat I won't feel bad. We still do it once, maybe twice a season. And no, it wasn't always like this. We had a great sex life for years but it stopped with the second nd kid and got worse from there.

[Anonymous]

It can be if you’re both on the same page. If the marriage is sexless because one person wants it while the other doesn’t then the prospects are dimmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Half of lesbians are sexless after 10 years together and they stay so it's possible but unlikely for a hetero marriage. I don't think it will work for you

My wife and I are also sexless, more than two years now (sex about 6x a year). I stopped initiating about 2 years ago so we dropped from about once a month to every other month. In some ways it's liberating to just accept I will never have a sexual marriage with her, on the other hand, I find myself feeling really distant from her, like she is a friend I could high five but not hug or be passionate with.

I doubt we will make it long term but she seems fine with it, talks about places to retire to while I think about what to do in 4 years when last one leaves the house.

FYI about a third of marriages of people 50 and up are sexless which is why you see so much cheating in that age range.

Good luck, I think you are doomed to three choices: cheat, be miserable or divorce.

OP here. Thanks for the perspective. I think we'd grow old together well, and I imagine my libido will diminish further over time anyway. In other words, a sexless marriage at age 70 would be no issue at all, but it's the time between then and now that I grapple with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So interesting different people’s perceptions. I think of sexless as actually sexless, not one time per month which is about what you’re describing. My husband and I are less than that - maybe 5 times a year and I don’t think either of us would describe our marriage as sexless (we’ve discussed this).

I've seen sexless marriage defined a lot of places as less than 10x per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So interesting different people’s perceptions. I think of sexless as actually sexless, not one time per month which is about what you’re describing. My husband and I are less than that - maybe 5 times a year and I don’t think either of us would describe our marriage as sexless (we’ve discussed this).

I've seen sexless marriage defined a lot of places as less than 10x per year.

Marriage counselors define seeds.marriages as 10x a year or less. If you are doing it that infrequently, it's a massive red flag and you are ripe for affairs.

Except I think the PP where both her and spouse are happy with low frequency are fine. In fact,no better way to affair proof a marriage than to both be low libido

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

She was right about that (wasn't intentional, just lots of other things going on), but I never was that romantic, and she's wasn't romantic or affectionate towards me the previous weeks either.

That's been my action in the past -- try to be more romantic.. but this time around, it got me to thinking... it's just another barrier she's putting off in order to have sex. It's like you have to pass a list of 10 different tests in order to get it once every month or two... and I'm wondering if this is worth all the effort, when rejection is nearly as likely as well.

I just feel like she's treating it like some reward and I have to jump through all these hoops, while I've never rejected her nor set up all these requirements.

She is definitely signaling that in order for her to feel amorous toward you, she needs romance and the "feeling" of affection FROM you.
And of course what she isn't realizing is that in order to feel romantic and affectionate toward HER in the way that makes her respond to you, YOU need physical connection.
But someone has to "budge" first, OP.
And since you're the one writing on the message board about it, I would recommend you be the one to set the tone.

HOWEVER, I also think it is worth having the conversation where you state how you're feeling the way you did in the second paragraph. Bluntly. "Sweetheart, I want us to have a better sex life, but I think we both need to work on that. I will commit to doing my part to give you what you need emotionally in the romance department. And I'd like you to do the same in the physical affection department."
Chances are, OP, if you woo your wife, she will feel more amenable to sex. And when you have sex, you'll feel more connected and want to romance her and the cycle will build from there. The trick is to not let the cycle stop. And when you feel like it's slowing, turn on the romance/charm again to start it back up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.