Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over a decade ago, the Atlantic ran this article. Basically, it acknowledges what women in their mid 40s and over know: it's freaking normal to not really want to have sex with your husband, just as it's normal for him to want it.

I know some married women claim to want sex it would be swinging from the chandelier if only DH did (pick your honey do) list. If you want honesty, it's just not true. Which doesn't mean that being helpful and kind won't go a long way, you may get your wife feeling like reciprocating but she's would still rather eat chocolate.

It's not personal, guys.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/03/not-tonight-dear/305643/

But it's much more fun to keep the battle of the sexes going by telling men the reason they aren't getting laid is because they are doing it wrong. Telling them women just have naturally low sex drives after they get married kills half the threads on this board.

She isn't really a sexless wife and hardly fits the description of what is discussed here. For example:
Do you worry people will read your book and think, poor Kip?


But Kip does okay. He does get oral sex—I’m happy with that. And he gets intercourse, but it is on my terms.

I'll wait for Kip's book.

I think they divorced from what I can tell.

But yeah, she was really tone deaf thinking this wasn't emasculating. If he cheated, no one would blame him

I can actually picture the guy. I meet men like that all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women blame men for loss of their libido it's the same as men with ED blaming their wives.

It's physical, it's almost never their partners fault.

Sometimes, but so much of sex for women is mental. Women don't experience sex the same way men do. I'm surprised that so many hetero married men don't know that.

And why oh why do these threads never discuss responsive desire??
For the record- my friends who don't want to have sex with thier husbands...their husbands are jerks who take them for granted
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html

How old are you? I am mid 40s and none of my girlfriends want to have sex with their husbands. They aren't bad men. They are just too familiar, like family. They can't change that. But sure, if my DH was a jerk to me I wouldn't let him have sex with me.

Yes! This describes me. My husband is a good guy. We've been together for 20 years. I no longer have any romantic desire for him at all. I don't want to dismantle our household. We Co-Parent okay and we still get along. We have similar outlooks on money and politics. I would much prefer we both outsource sex to other partners. If one of us falls in love, we'd have to pivot in some way, but I'm willing to take that chance.

[Anonymous]

^^^ This X 100.

If women were allowed to be more honest (as we should be in anonymous forums) you would find this to be the most common response. There is nothing my DH is doing wrong. I could nitpick things he does that make me feel less close to him and less willing to have sex but there is zero he can do to make me want to have sex with him.

I am different from PP only that I would be scared to open the marriage and risk throwing away a great partnership. If I knew he wouldn't fall in love, that would be fair.

I feel like society has stopped being honest about female desire, in some radical quest to make men and women equal we have felt the need to make them the same. It used to be widely known that men wanted sex way more than their wives. Entire comedy routines were done on the topic. Now men take it personally when their wives stop acting lustful like when they were dating. It's understandable to be frustrated by this.

[Anonymous]

Sexless, probably not going to be ultimately successful. You need to have some level of sex if you are going to keep some glue in the relationship.

But if you look at how often people in their mid 40s and beyond are having sex in marriage, most couples are in the 1-2x a month range. Hardly a frequency that suggests married couples want it. It's someone compromising, usually the woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

I think you are nitpicking with this guy who admittedly isn't using progressive language. I think the word entitled is fine, just as I would tell my children they are entitled to be in a relationship with love and respect even though those things have to be given to them by a partner. All that means is you know not to say in a relationship where there is no love, respect, and for most people that includes a healthy sex life.

Of course you can't force your partner to give you love, respect or sex, or really anything. I didn't get that he was implying that. I think it's strange how many people don't expect that marriage will come with sex, but perhaps that's the new progressive mindset that marriage isn't a sexual relationship. I admit I am Gen X and we viewed marriage and sex as something you assumed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

I think you are nitpicking with this guy who admittedly isn't using progressive language. I think the word entitled is fine, just as I would tell my children they are entitled to be in a relationship with love and respect even though those things have to be given to them by a partner. All that means is you know not to say in a relationship where there is no love, respect, and for most people that includes a healthy sex life.

Of course you can't force your partner to give you love, respect or sex, or really anything. I didn't get that he was implying that. I think it's strange how many people don't expect that marriage will come with sex, but perhaps that's the new progressive mindset that marriage isn't a sexual relationship. I admit I am Gen X and we viewed marriage and sex as something you assumed.

I'm GenX too. I'm not nitpicking. He LITERALLY said "gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons." This is not OK. He's trying to walk it back but this was his first instinct. Do you want someone saying that to your daughter???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

I think you are nitpicking with this guy who admittedly isn't using progressive language. I think the word entitled is fine, just as I would tell my children they are entitled to be in a relationship with love and respect even though those things have to be given to them by a partner. All that means is you know not to say in a relationship where there is no love, respect, and for most people that includes a healthy sex life.

Of course you can't force your partner to give you love, respect or sex, or really anything. I didn't get that he was implying that. I think it's strange how many people don't expect that marriage will come with sex, but perhaps that's the new progressive mindset that marriage isn't a sexual relationship. I admit I am Gen X and we viewed marriage and sex as something you assumed.

I'm GenX too. I'm not nitpicking. He LITERALLY said "gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons." This is not OK. He's trying to walk it back but this was his first instinct. Do you want someone saying that to your daughter???

sorry you're so triggered. get some professional help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You didn't say you wanted to find a partner who enjoys sex. You used the words "entitled to: and "expect" in regards to sex. Those words are disturbing and imply that you have rights over another person's body. You didn't say "I'm very sex-postitve and put a lot of effort into pleasing my partner so I hope we will have a good sexual relationship."

I think you are nitpicking with this guy who admittedly isn't using progressive language. I think the word entitled is fine, just as I would tell my children they are entitled to be in a relationship with love and respect even though those things have to be given to them by a partner. All that means is you know not to say in a relationship where there is no love, respect, and for most people that includes a healthy sex life.

Of course you can't force your partner to give you love, respect or sex, or really anything. I didn't get that he was implying that. I think it's strange how many people don't expect that marriage will come with sex, but perhaps that's the new progressive mindset that marriage isn't a sexual relationship. I admit I am Gen X and we viewed marriage and sex as something you assumed.

I'm GenX too. I'm not nitpicking. He LITERALLY said "gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons." This is not OK. He's trying to walk it back but this was his first instinct. Do you want someone saying that to your daughter???

sorry you're so triggered. get some professional help

Sorry you are brainwashed by misogyny. I will pray for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty simple formula ladies. Infrequent sex at home equals husband gets that elsewhere. Deal.

I agree, which is why I divorced once my DH lost his job. Boy wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain. Now I'm married to a richer guy, but if he ever loses a cent I'm out.

Did you always want to be a hooker when you grew up? Because valuing a man primarily for what he can buy you is kinda the definition.

Found the low earner. What do we call men who value women primarily for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

You think you are entitled to sex. That is very rapey.

I think I'm entitled to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman that includes sex. If sex isn't at least nearly important to her as it is to me, that will be a problem and she is free to find another man who is a better match. There is nothing rapey about wanting, or even expecting frequent sex in a relationship. There is force involved.

Nice Fruedian typo.
Listen. You aren't entitled to any flipping thing to do with women. You aren't entitled to a relationship just for being alive. You aren't entitled to sex and you shouldn't expect sex.

And FYI coersing someone into sex is assault. It doesn't have to involve force https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion

When did I say anything about coercing a woman into sex? This has gone from rape, to slavery, to coercion and all I mentioned was my desire to have a partner who enjoys sex as much as I do. Specifically, a GF, not a wife. If that looks rapey to you, or like coercion, then something is wrong with you, not me.

You did not say you desire a partner who enjoys sex as much as you do. You explicitly stated that you are entitled to sex and to have sex with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women blame men for loss of their libido it's the same as men with ED blaming their wives.

It's physical, it's almost never their partners fault.

Sometimes, but so much of sex for women is mental. Women don't experience sex the same way men do. I'm surprised that so many hetero married men don't know that.

And why oh why do these threads never discuss responsive desire??
For the record- my friends who don't want to have sex with thier husbands...their husbands are jerks who take them for granted
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html

How old are you? I am mid 40s and none of my girlfriends want to have sex with their husbands. They aren't bad men. They are just too familiar, like family. They can't change that. But sure, if my DH was a jerk to me I wouldn't let him have sex with me.

Yes! This describes me. My husband is a good guy. We've been together for 20 years. I no longer have any romantic desire for him at all. I don't want to dismantle our household. We Co-Parent okay and we still get along. We have similar outlooks on money and politics. I would much prefer we both outsource sex to other partners. If one of us falls in love, we'd have to pivot in some way, but I'm willing to take that chance.

I like the honesty and realism here.

The one thing I'd point out though is that as a single, I meet a lot of men (and couples) who want to "outsource sex" but don't want to split up, and it's not the best. Many couples are realistic and honest about their sex lives, they open their marriage, or they have a don't ask/don't tell agreement or, in some cases, they seek out a third (usually a woman) together. I have been approached by countless couples who want a threesome or a "throuple", or want to take me out on a date. Both of of them. A couple dating a single. I'm a straight woman. I don't want to have sex with another woman. I don't want to have sex with a married man. I don't want to date or have sex with a couple. I'm looking for exactly what they were looking for, and happened to find before I did. So, I do feel some bitterness toward couples who want to enjoy the benefits of marriage while "outsourcing" sex. It feels like they want me to spice up their sex life so that they can continue to enjoy social and emotional privileges that I don't have. Of course, I can just say no, and I do. And as long as the couple is upfront, people can do or not do what they want. Just another perspective from someone out there in the dating market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women blame men for loss of their libido it's the same as men with ED blaming their wives.

It's physical, it's almost never their partners fault.

Sometimes, but so much of sex for women is mental. Women don't experience sex the same way men do. I'm surprised that so many hetero married men don't know that.

And why oh why do these threads never discuss responsive desire??
For the record- my friends who don't want to have sex with thier husbands...their husbands are jerks who take them for granted
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html

How old are you? I am mid 40s and none of my girlfriends want to have sex with their husbands. They aren't bad men. They are just too familiar, like family. They can't change that. But sure, if my DH was a jerk to me I wouldn't let him have sex with me.

Yes! This describes me. My husband is a good guy. We've been together for 20 years. I no longer have any romantic desire for him at all. I don't want to dismantle our household. We Co-Parent okay and we still get along. We have similar outlooks on money and politics. I would much prefer we both outsource sex to other partners. If one of us falls in love, we'd have to pivot in some way, but I'm willing to take that chance.

Exactly. I feel like I HAVE to want to have sex with him or I've failed and our marriage has failed. But hells bells he isn't desireable to me any more. We have sex. But I don't particularly want to. We coparent great, we can get along, and if I allow myself I do like him. I'm having a hard time separating the benefits part of the marriage from the marriage. If I don't want to have sex it must be that I don't want him as a partner. But that isn't strictly true.

I am I suppose in this for the long haul, but I would prefer that long haul to be much much shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women blame men for loss of their libido it's the same as men with ED blaming their wives.

It's physical, it's almost never their partners fault.

Sometimes, but so much of sex for women is mental. Women don't experience sex the same way men do. I'm surprised that so many hetero married men don't know that.

And why oh why do these threads never discuss responsive desire??
For the record- my friends who don't want to have sex with thier husbands...their husbands are jerks who take them for granted
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html

How old are you? I am mid 40s and none of my girlfriends want to have sex with their husbands. They aren't bad men. They are just too familiar, like family. They can't change that. But sure, if my DH was a jerk to me I wouldn't let him have sex with me.

Yes! This describes me. My husband is a good guy. We've been together for 20 years. I no longer have any romantic desire for him at all. I don't want to dismantle our household. We Co-Parent okay and we still get along. We have similar outlooks on money and politics. I would much prefer we both outsource sex to other partners. If one of us falls in love, we'd have to pivot in some way, but I'm willing to take that chance.

I like the honesty and realism here.

The one thing I'd point out though is that as a single, I meet a lot of men (and couples) who want to "outsource sex" but don't want to split up, and it's not the best. Many couples are realistic and honest about their sex lives, they open their marriage, or they have a don't ask/don't tell agreement or, in some cases, they seek out a third (usually a woman) together. I have been approached by countless couples who want a threesome or a "throuple", or want to take me out on a date. Both of of them. A couple dating a single. I'm a straight woman. I don't want to have sex with another woman. I don't want to have sex with a married man. I don't want to date or have sex with a couple. I'm looking for exactly what they were looking for, and happened to find before I did. So, I do feel some bitterness toward couples who want to enjoy the benefits of marriage while "outsourcing" sex. It feels like they want me to spice up their sex life so that they can continue to enjoy social and emotional privileges that I don't have. Of course, I can just say no, and I do. And as long as the couple is upfront, people can do or not do what they want. Just another perspective from someone out there in the dating market.

Do tell. Where do you hang out where "countless" couples want a threesome? When the pandemic is over I want to go there!
--Horny guy in sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter what you do, if she wanted to have sex with you, she would. She clearly doesn't. Sometimes she is so horny she is willing to let you have sex with her, but she has not attraction to you. You can't teach attraction, if sex is important to you, you will never get it in this relationship.

This is the truth for a lot of women. They just lose attraction to their husbands. My wife feels the same. She finds me attractive but is not sexually attracted to me. Like how you would feel about a family member, you can see they are conventionally handsome but not in a sexual way.

I have thought about shelving the sex part entirely so when I cheat I won't feel bad. We still do it once, maybe twice a season. And no, it wasn't always like this. We had a great sex life for years but it stopped with the second nd kid and got worse from there.

Losing attraction or realizing that she doesn't have to have sex to maintain her status. Men do not want to accept that they were pawns in a game and loss. No one wants to cheat with you other than the few married women in sexless marriages. When men realize this, they turn toward divorce.