Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I have sex regularly with my husband (2x/week on average). We had more sex before we had 2 kids, but needing to work at night after our kids go to sleep is getting in the way right now. That said, it doesn't take a lot to have sex. We had sex last night at like 1:30 am after we both finished working.

You just do it because you want to feel close and it's fun and even when you're not that into it, you can get into it if you let yourself.

I am very honest with my husband when I don't want to have sex (I struggled with body image for 6 months after each pregnancy, when I was losing baby weight and told him at times "I don't like how I look right now"). After I lost the baby weight, it wasn't an issue. I think it's very destructive not to be honest with your partner about why you don't want to have sex. And I feel like a lot of the reasons that people give aren't super honest.

I also initiate sex about 40%-50% of the time. I've never understood why some women don't.

I don't think I'd want to live in a sexless marriage or do the 10x a year sex marriage. It seems like it would be hard to be physically connected and without the physical connection, the rest of the marriage can really deteriorate.

[Anonymous]

^ Above poster. Forgot to mention, we both workout daily, haven't gained weight, and take care of how we look.

I saw my parents marriage deteriorate, in part, because they stopped caring about how they looked and sex (they moved into separate bedrooms when I was in 4th grade, so it was pretty clear to me as a child that they were not having sex). I am really determined not to make those same mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I have sex regularly with my husband (2x/week on average). We had more sex before we had 2 kids, but needing to work at night after our kids go to sleep is getting in the way right now. That said, it doesn't take a lot to have sex. We had sex last night at like 1:30 am after we both finished working.

You just do it because you want to feel close and it's fun and even when you're not that into it, you can get into it if you let yourself.

I am very honest with my husband when I don't want to have sex (I struggled with body image for 6 months after each pregnancy, when I was losing baby weight and told him at times "I don't like how I look right now"). After I lost the baby weight, it wasn't an issue. I think it's very destructive not to be honest with your partner about why you don't want to have sex. And I feel like a lot of the reasons that people give aren't super honest.

I also initiate sex about 40%-50% of the time. I've never understood why some women don't.

I don't think I'd want to live in a sexless marriage or do the 10x a year sex marriage. It seems like it would be hard to be physically connected and without the physical connection, the rest of the marriage can really deteriorate.

I cannot be very physical with someone I am not emotionally connected. I don’t get off with someone who isn’t a true partner. More sex results in more resentment and more distance. Life is waaay too long.

[Anonymous]

This thread is super helpful because I wondered if I was the only one who had a sexless marriage. My DH and I haven’t had sex since Dec 2019. I am 48 and honestly, look about 30 even though I am not as svelte as I used to be. I do like to active while my DH does not. He is 49 and as ZERO sex drive. He says it gives him too much anxiety to think about sex because he doesn’t like the shape he is in. I don’t want to shame him so after a few times of telling him that I think he is still attractive and he actually cried, I have encouraged him to talk with a counselor about his body image (he had an issue with anorexia when he was in his late 20s). He is a wonderful father, a kind, loving husband and at the same time, I don’t know if I can go through another year without sex. Plus, I feel like I must be giving off some kind of Mrs. Robinson vibes because at least 3 guys in their 20s/30s have randomly hit on me in the last few weeks (one while shopping at CVS, one at hardware store and one at a garden center- not places where I was dressed up or anything!) I know my menopausal hormones are in overdrive and don’t emotionally or intellectually want to have an affair (I honestly do not know how anyone has the energy to keep all that stuff a secret- I am a horrible liar.) At the same time, my body is screaming “I have needs!” ... guess I will just have to keep myself satisfied and also rehash old memories...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is super helpful because I wondered if I was the only one who had a sexless marriage. My DH and I haven’t had sex since Dec 2019. I am 48 and honestly, look about 30 even though I am not as svelte as I used to be. I do like to active while my DH does not. He is 49 and as ZERO sex drive. He says it gives him too much anxiety to think about sex because he doesn’t like the shape he is in. I don’t want to shame him so after a few times of telling him that I think he is still attractive and he actually cried, I have encouraged him to talk with a counselor about his body image (he had an issue with anorexia when he was in his late 20s). He is a wonderful father, a kind, loving husband and at the same time, I don’t know if I can go through another year without sex. Plus, I feel like I must be giving off some kind of Mrs. Robinson vibes because at least 3 guys in their 20s/30s have randomly hit on me in the last few weeks (one while shopping at CVS, one at hardware store and one at a garden center- not places where I was dressed up or anything!) I know my menopausal hormones are in overdrive and don’t emotionally or intellectually want to have an affair (I honestly do not know how anyone has the energy to keep all that stuff a secret- I am a horrible liar.) At the same time, my body is screaming “I have needs!” ... guess I will just have to keep myself satisfied and also rehash old memories...

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is super helpful because I wondered if I was the only one who had a sexless marriage. My DH and I haven’t had sex since Dec 2019. I am 48 and honestly, look about 30 even though I am not as svelte as I used to be. I do like to active while my DH does not. He is 49 and as ZERO sex drive. He says it gives him too much anxiety to think about sex because he doesn’t like the shape he is in. I don’t want to shame him so after a few times of telling him that I think he is still attractive and he actually cried, I have encouraged him to talk with a counselor about his body image (he had an issue with anorexia when he was in his late 20s). He is a wonderful father, a kind, loving husband and at the same time, I don’t know if I can go through another year without sex. Plus, I feel like I must be giving off some kind of Mrs. Robinson vibes because at least 3 guys in their 20s/30s have randomly hit on me in the last few weeks (one while shopping at CVS, one at hardware store and one at a garden center- not places where I was dressed up or anything!) I know my menopausal hormones are in overdrive and don’t emotionally or intellectually want to have an affair (I honestly do not know how anyone has the energy to keep all that stuff a secret- I am a horrible liar.) At the same time, my body is screaming “I have needs!” ... guess I will just have to keep myself satisfied and also rehash old memories...

PP I’m a divorced guy and it sounds like you need to give your dude a reality check. Your situation sounds untenable and being all sensitive etc is fine but I can assure him that him that the alternatives (divorce or affair and divorce) are really not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^^

Are a bigger deal !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

It's sexy to very few women, imo. I have a circle of friends and all of us guys are equal partners in the home - we all cook, stay active, clean, parent, plan activities, etc. It does nothing for the sex life. For those women with low bars, it may work but, it doesn't.

Maybe I should move towards more of an absent parent/husband and then surprise my DW with all these things one day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

If you chase it like this, you'll just end up in frustration. If you truly are doing it to get your partner to have more sex with you and she sees right through it, there;s no point. No amount of chore will ever be enough. There's a completely separate issue going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

It's not sexy for all women and PP is probably lying. I doubt going from 4x/year to 3x/week has anything to do with him doing more housework....if it's even true at all.

Sounds like someone who just wants to make the point that men need to do more work around the house. Cool story tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

This didn't happen at all. Nice try.

[Anonymous]

Choreplay seems like a variant of the "just-so" story -- or maybe like a modern day Horatio Alger morality play. It'd be nice if displaying admirable qualities made a wife more attracted to a husband. But the connection can be very tenuous.