Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

If you chase it like this, you'll just end up in frustration. If you truly are doing it to get your partner to have more sex with you and she sees right through it, there;s no point. No amount of chore will ever be enough. There's a completely separate issue going on.

She said she was too tired for sex because being a SAHM with two young children was too much work for her. After taking on a larger work load around the house after about a month I brought it up that we still weren't having sex, that's when she told me I was only doing it for sex. Was I? yes, but I was still trying to help her out and she said this would lead us to having time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

This didn't happen at all. Nice try.

I believe it. Not if he did it as a trade-off to have more sex, but if he did it because he genuinely loves his wife and children and wants to show up in their lives in a meaningful way.

If you think of a sex drive from an evolutionary perspective as a way to propagate the species, then being an involved partner and father is going to increase your partner’s sex drive. She is going to have some kind of primal desire to have another child with you (even if practically, her frontal lobe is aware she has an IUD).

[Anonymous]

Find a girl friend of dump her . I opt dumping her. She is doing somebody and it's not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

If you chase it like this, you'll just end up in frustration. If you truly are doing it to get your partner to have more sex with you and she sees right through it, there;s no point. No amount of chore will ever be enough. There's a completely separate issue going on.

She said she was too tired for sex because being a SAHM with two young children was too much work for her. After taking on a larger work load around the house after about a month I brought it up that we still weren't having sex, that's when she told me I was only doing it for sex. Was I? yes, but I was still trying to help her out and she said this would lead us to having time together.

Maybe she didn't like feeling used, like you were only chipping in at home to get what you want, and not, say, to help her out for the sake of helping out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

If you chase it like this, you'll just end up in frustration. If you truly are doing it to get your partner to have more sex with you and she sees right through it, there;s no point. No amount of chore will ever be enough. There's a completely separate issue going on.

She said she was too tired for sex because being a SAHM with two young children was too much work for her. After taking on a larger work load around the house after about a month I brought it up that we still weren't having sex, that's when she told me I was only doing it for sex. Was I? yes, but I was still trying to help her out and she said this would lead us to having time together.

If you want to have more sex, first you have to not want to have more sex. It's very Zen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Cry myself to sleep when my husband goes to sleep and never reaches over to touch me. It hurts more when we have watched a romantic movie or have a little buzz. I daydream about old boyfriends all the time to help me get through, but it makes me sadder. I just want to be desired.

Hugs. This was me for several years of an 11 year marriage. We tried counseling, watching videos, trips away, doctor visits even rX, checked T levels, checked for depression. Eventually divorced and after duking it out a bit during the divorce, we are good friends. And good parents. I cannot live a life untouched and unloved. I have a high sex drive his was lower. He kind of covered it up when we were dating by always pawing me down so I thought I had a winning ticket. But once we were married — nothing. I felt how men do when their wives have the comfort of family and just don’t care for affection as much.

He later admitted fault for his role and regret at not trying to do his part to preserve what was good. I never cheated. I masterbated a lot but it just made me resentful, which made him defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

If you chase it like this, you'll just end up in frustration. If you truly are doing it to get your partner to have more sex with you and she sees right through it, there;s no point. No amount of chore will ever be enough. There's a completely separate issue going on.

She said she was too tired for sex because being a SAHM with two young children was too much work for her. After taking on a larger work load around the house after about a month I brought it up that we still weren't having sex, that's when she told me I was only doing it for sex. Was I? yes, but I was still trying to help her out and she said this would lead us to having time together.

If you want to have more sex, first you have to not want to have more sex. It's very Zen.

DP that left a sexless marriage. I tried this too. It works for a few months in that it kept me sane, it didn’t increSe our lovemaking. At all. a husband and wife should have sex and come together enough to keep the cracks out of their marriage. Sometimes your personal zen just isn’t enough. It all depends on the couple. My zen made him feel like, “whew! Now I don’t need to have sex so she won’t be so disappointed anymore.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Cry myself to sleep when my husband goes to sleep and never reaches over to touch me. It hurts more when we have watched a romantic movie or have a little buzz. I daydream about old boyfriends all the time to help me get through, but it makes me sadder. I just want to be desired.

Hugs. This was me for several years of an 11 year marriage. We tried counseling, watching videos, trips away, doctor visits even rX, checked T levels, checked for depression. Eventually divorced and after duking it out a bit during the divorce, we are good friends. And good parents. I cannot live a life untouched and unloved. I have a high sex drive his was lower. He kind of covered it up when we were dating by always pawing me down so I thought I had a winning ticket. But once we were married — nothing. I felt how men do when their wives have the comfort of family and just don’t care for affection as much.

He later admitted fault for his role and regret at not trying to do his part to preserve what was good. I never cheated. I masterbated a lot but it just made me resentful, which made him defensive.

That's the difference between women and men. No way a man would go for years and not cheat.
I genuinely do not believe that sexless marriages actually exist. Perhaps only in the minds of the uninterested spouse. The other (normal) spouse is either getting some on the side, or soon will be, or is about to end the marriage.

So to answer subject question: Yes, you CAN have a successful sexless marriage, with the understanding your spouse is not actually sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men doing housework and their fair share of kid duties is sexy. Mine chips in and suddenly I am not overwhelmed so our sex life went from 4 times a year to 3 times a week!! Pick up a mop and grab a kid or two.

Glad it worked for your marriage! This is not at all a universal experience.

When I helped out more around the house, I also did almost all of the night feedings when they were younger, and watched the DCs on the weekend so she could get some time to herself. DW just said I was doing it to get sex.

Were you? Splitting that kind of stuff are basic expectations. What were you doing to connect with her outside of trying to get her into bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you want to have more sex, first you have to not want to have more sex. It's very Zen.

DP that left a sexless marriage. I tried this too. It works for a few months in that it kept me sane, it didn’t increSe our lovemaking. At all. a husband and wife should have sex and come together enough to keep the cracks out of their marriage. Sometimes your personal zen just isn’t enough. It all depends on the couple. My zen made him feel like, “whew! Now I don’t need to have sex so she won’t be so disappointed anymore.”

Yeah, I was just being sarcastic with the Zen comment. The advice on how to address a libido gap in a marriage usually ends up being a trick bag. If you want to have more sex, you have to do all this stuff. But if you do all that stuff because you want to have more sex, it doesn't count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you want to have more sex, first you have to not want to have more sex. It's very Zen.

DP that left a sexless marriage. I tried this too. It works for a few months in that it kept me sane, it didn’t increSe our lovemaking. At all. a husband and wife should have sex and come together enough to keep the cracks out of their marriage. Sometimes your personal zen just isn’t enough. It all depends on the couple. My zen made him feel like, “whew! Now I don’t need to have sex so she won’t be so disappointed anymore.”

Yeah, I was just being sarcastic with the Zen comment. The advice on how to address a libido gap in a marriage usually ends up being a trick bag. If you want to have more sex, you have to do all this stuff. But if you do all that stuff because you want to have more sex, it doesn't count.

DP - It goes both ways, and finding a balance that works for both partners is tricky. There are spouses who put out sexually but are completely unsatisfied otherwise in other aspects of the relationship. Sex isn’t the only primal that needs to be satisfied.