Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Yes. Partners need to connect and express affection and desire. These are not unreasonable needs (according to our couples therapist). You can call them hoops, but they are basic human interaction. If I spend the afternoon with any man and he suddenly wanted to have sex, I’d say no. It would be weird. Where’s the fore play?

I don’t think DH is having an affair. And if he expresses his needs to me, I’d try to meet him half way. When he’s pouting because I’ve rejected him the day before, I call him out on it. He says “having” to tell me I’m pretty feels forced. I tell him if he can’t find anything nice to say about me then how could he want to have sex with me.

What we need here is some kind of accounting system to supplement the romance-for-sex agreement. A woman can count the number of times she has had sex with her husband per week or per month and feel she has lived up to her part of the bargain (or concede or be called out on the fact that she has not)..But where is the quantifying method on the romance side so that the husband can say, "See, I am holding up my end.".?

There isn't one. So, in effect, the woman always holds the keys to the sex party. Until the man gets fed up with that lack of control (and lack of sex) and then the choices are divorce, cheat or give up.

Ever notice how men often post here about their frustrations over a lack of sex in the marriage and feeling like roommates but women far less frequently post about a lack of romance and feeling like roommates?

Bottom line is far more women than men are content to be roommates in sexless marriages and the suggestion that more romance will lead to more sex is mostly a dodge to avoid just coming out and admitting it. Because if you admit it, it's basically an invitation for the man to look elsewhere. He didn't sign up to marry a roommate. So in the wife's construction it has to be his fault he is not having sex.

Well I didn’t sign up to have sex with a guy who is constantly farting, burping, picking his nose or itching his balls. Then looks over and wants to have sex.

[Anonymous]

^^^ sex is not quid pro quo you sound insane

[Anonymous]

In other words ladies, other than having female sex organs, you bring absolutely NOTHING to the marital sex table: zero effort. Actually you bring NEGATIVE effort in the form of setting up hoops and moving goal posts.

It’s fair to want romance. It’s not fair that you invest ZIP effort towards romance or sex.

OP just go ahead and cheat. Much easier than romancing your own wife into bed.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman who must have a man's soul. DH does all the right things -- walks, kind convo, flowers -- but is very low libido. I just cannot connect on the deepest level without sex. I'm closer to 50 than 40 and still think about it daily. I have been very open with DH about my needs over the years. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that I hope will get us through the long term. Compassion for each other is key.

[Anonymous]

My AP has a successful sexless marriage. He has sex with me (not nearly enough in my eyes, so maybe he's a little low libido, too) and that solves that problem. He and his wife are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP has a successful sexless marriage. He has sex with me (not nearly enough in my eyes, so maybe he's a little low libido, too) and that solves that problem. He and his wife are still together.

Ha! He’s banging his wife, dummy. That’s why he only has a little left for you. You really believe a lying cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP has a successful sexless marriage. He has sex with me (not nearly enough in my eyes, so maybe he's a little low libido, too) and that solves that problem. He and his wife are still together.

Ha! He’s banging his wife, dummy. That’s why he only has a little left for you. You really believe a lying cheat?

My ex sometimes had sex with me in the morning and then went to see her on his work lunch break. Sometimes he was too worn out to please her and she would say nasty passive aggressive things. Liars gonna lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who must have a man's soul. DH does all the right things -- walks, kind convo, flowers -- but is very low libido. I just cannot connect on the deepest level without sex. I'm closer to 50 than 40 and still think about it daily. I have been very open with DH about my needs over the years. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that I hope will get us through the long term. Compassion for each other is key.

Same situation, same agreement.

All marriages need intimacy. Women more than men seem to fulfill thst intimacy in nonsexual ways but some like us are more like men and need sexual touch.

Both are normally, one isn't better than the other. The people on here that dismiss sexual needs as optional are usually the ones shocked when they are sexually betrayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My AP has a successful sexless marriage. He has sex with me (not nearly enough in my eyes, so maybe he's a little low libido, too) and that solves that problem. He and his wife are still together.

Ha! He’s banging his wife, dummy. That’s why he only has a little left for you. You really believe a lying cheat?

NP here, 20% of marriages are sexless and that number doubles for couples in their 50s. Maybe he is lying but there are a lot of people for whom this is absolutely true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who must have a man's soul. DH does all the right things -- walks, kind convo, flowers -- but is very low libido. I just cannot connect on the deepest level without sex. I'm closer to 50 than 40 and still think about it daily. I have been very open with DH about my needs over the years. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that I hope will get us through the long term. Compassion for each other is key.

Same situation, same agreement.

All marriages need intimacy. Women more than men seem to fulfill thst intimacy in nonsexual ways but some like us are more like men and need sexual touch.

Both are normally, one isn't better than the other. The people on here that dismiss sexual needs as optional are usually the ones shocked when they are sexually betrayed.

You know who is shocked (blindsided) when betrayed? People having regular sex with doting husbands. Talk about a complete mind f@ck. I think if you are in a shitty marriage or a sexless one with lots of strife and resentment it would not be as life altering as those that were happy and in love. Studies bear that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ sex is not quid pro quo you sound insane

But monogamy in marriage is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Yes. Partners need to connect and express affection and desire. These are not unreasonable needs (according to our couples therapist). You can call them hoops, but they are basic human interaction. If I spend the afternoon with any man and he suddenly wanted to have sex, I’d say no. It would be weird. Where’s the fore play?

I don’t think DH is having an affair. And if he expresses his needs to me, I’d try to meet him half way. When he’s pouting because I’ve rejected him the day before, I call him out on it. He says “having” to tell me I’m pretty feels forced. I tell him if he can’t find anything nice to say about me then how could he want to have sex with me.

What we need here is some kind of accounting system to supplement the romance-for-sex agreement. A woman can count the number of times she has had sex with her husband per week or per month and feel she has lived up to her part of the bargain (or concede or be called out on the fact that she has not)..But where is the quantifying method on the romance side so that the husband can say, "See, I am holding up my end.".?

There isn't one. So, in effect, the woman always holds the keys to the sex party. Until the man gets fed up with that lack of control (and lack of sex) and then the choices are divorce, cheat or give up.

Ever notice how men often post here about their frustrations over a lack of sex in the marriage and feeling like roommates but women far less frequently post about a lack of romance and feeling like roommates?

Bottom line is far more women than men are content to be roommates in sexless marriages and the suggestion that more romance will lead to more sex is mostly a dodge to avoid just coming out and admitting it. Because if you admit it, it's basically an invitation for the man to look elsewhere. He didn't sign up to marry a roommate. So in the wife's construction it has to be his fault he is not having sex.

Well I didn’t sign up to have sex with a guy who is constantly farting, burping, picking his nose or itching his balls. Then looks over and wants to have sex.

You're right. You should get him to clean up his act or divorce him. Because you miss having sex with the pre-farting, pre-burping, pre-picking his nose and scratching his balls guy, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who must have a man's soul. DH does all the right things -- walks, kind convo, flowers -- but is very low libido. I just cannot connect on the deepest level without sex. I'm closer to 50 than 40 and still think about it daily. I have been very open with DH about my needs over the years. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that I hope will get us through the long term. Compassion for each other is key.

Same situation, same agreement.

All marriages need intimacy. Women more than men seem to fulfill thst intimacy in nonsexual ways but some like us are more like men and need sexual touch.

Both are normally, one isn't better than the other. The people on here that dismiss sexual needs as optional are usually the ones shocked when they are sexually betrayed.

You know who is shocked (blindsided) when betrayed? People having regular sex with doting husbands. Talk about a complete mind f@ck. I think if you are in a shitty marriage or a sexless one with lots of strife and resentment it would not be as life altering as those that were happy and in love. Studies bear that out.

Fortunately this is such an infinitesimally small number of people, hardly even worth discussing that. And certainly not in a sexless marriage thread. Go start a new thread about betrayed wives who were putting out 5X per week.

[Anonymous]

^ not. Gyns wouldn’t see so many women presenting with STIs when they thought they were in faithful marriages. We see a few every week. It’s heart breaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

The above makes perfect sense.
Now give us a recent concrete example where YOU put in some actual effort towards having sex with him.

The level of aggression in this demanding request is exactly the kind of entitlement that totally turns me off as a woman. I don't owe you any explanation of my marital sex life, or anything at all. I wrote the above to help YOU, the man who is struggling with the level fo sex in his marriage. I am personally not struggling with the level of sex in my marriage and didn't come to a message board for advice. So no, I'm not going to explain my relationship to you -- I am not interested in your input.