GF broke up with me because of money problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say asking for financial help in a relationship is a nono but you've been dating for 3 years. I'd you were thinking about marrying her you would have done it and if you weren't then she should have dumped you. 3years is sh$# or get off the pot time.

And your seeming complete lack of concern or empathy for her very limited salary makes it worse.

Bottom line if you're dating a graduate student enjoys making 24k a year and three years in they ask for some money for the first time they aren't a gold digger they justneed help. And if it was gonna be as forever relationship you would have wanted to give it.

+1
It's the first time she asked for money in three years. Asking for money, if you're not in the habit of doing it, is really hard for most people. You are very embarrassed and vulnerable. And your boyfriend acts like it's a joke? That's a sign that he's not thinking he's going to spend the rest of his life with you. So, it makes sense to cut your losses. Certainly, you're not going to keep paying for plane tickets to go on vacation with him, when you're already in debt and trying to figure out how to pay it off. And it probably is stressful, given that OP admits that he's not very emotionally supportive, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to pay off her debt with the interest free promotion. If you were in it for the long haul that would be in your interest as well.

It's fine to not have gone along with it. But if I was in a relationship for three years I would think I could approach a significant other about solving a long term debt problem. This was an intelligent and practical financial goal and she was going to be more than matching with $750 bucks a month.

She doesn't sound like a gold digger she sounds like someone who had different expectations about the relationship. You act like everything is hunky dory and she's trying to make a plan to get out of debt. You never fight but did you not know about this burden?

This. She's asking for your help paying off her debt, and her plan includes her making the majority of the payments. If she's a gold digger, she's a pretty bad one. It sounds like she was really anxious about the debt, and she was trying to come up with a way to get rid of it, and she asked the guy who apparently saw a long-term future with her to help her, and he laughed at her. Her reaction is to realize that he doesn't actually see a long-term future with her, that he does not see her as his partner. She's hurt that he didn't take her problem seriously, that he apparently viewed her as a mooch. That's going to be hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Op here. How do I fix this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to pay off her debt with the interest free promotion. If you were in it for the long haul that would be in your interest as well.

It's fine to not have gone along with it. But if I was in a relationship for three years I would think I could approach a significant other about solving a long term debt problem. This was an intelligent and practical financial goal and she was going to be more than matching with $750 bucks a month.

She doesn't sound like a gold digger she sounds like someone who had different expectations about the relationship. You act like everything is hunky dory and she's trying to make a plan to get out of debt. You never fight but did you not know about this burden?

This. She's asking for your help paying off her debt, and her plan includes her making the majority of the payments. If she's a gold digger, she's a pretty bad one. It sounds like she was really anxious about the debt, and she was trying to come up with a way to get rid of it, and she asked the guy who apparently saw a long-term future with her to help her, and he laughed at her. Her reaction is to realize that he doesn't actually see a long-term future with her, that he does not see her as his partner. She's hurt that he didn't take her problem seriously, that he apparently viewed her as a mooch. That's going to be hurtful.

+1 I hope she's thinking hard about her future, both in terms of finding a better job and a more compatible partner who will commit to her after 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

OP, do you truly love her and want a future with her? You seem so detached in your post. Kind of like “welp, she broke up with me. ????“ Three years is very much ‘Sh*t or get off the pot’ territory, so what’s up?

Is her borrowing $ going to help her financial future, and therefore, BOTH of your financial futures (together, as a couple)?
Does she have a plan for not going into debt again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

You don't. You just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

You don't. You just move on.

This. Move on, for her sake. You obviously didn't think she was your partner, or you wouldn't have laughed about her request (or, after you had time to reflect on it, posted about it on an anonymous forum). Now that she's broken up with you, you want her back. I'm guessing for the sex (her words, not mine). Not for the partnership thing. Your GF has a great income for someone in grad school and i suspect in 5 years will be making a lot more money than you do. She doesn't need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

You don't. You just move on.

This. Move on, for her sake. You obviously didn't think she was your partner, or you wouldn't have laughed about her request (or, after you had time to reflect on it, posted about it on an anonymous forum). Now that she's broken up with you, you want her back. I'm guessing for the sex (her words, not mine). Not for the partnership thing. Your GF has a great income for someone in grad school and i suspect in 5 years will be making a lot more money than you do. She doesn't need you.

This. She’s young and has a lot of potential, so if you don’t break up now, she’ll probably break up with you in a few years once her life takes off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. That’s actually exactly what I was going to do. I have 3, was going to cancel 2. I just want one open with a low limit ($3k) because I have work expenses occasionally (that get paid back at the end of each month).

DP. I think its totally reasonable to ask your boyfriend about this but also totally reasonable to table it until you get engaged if you anticipate that happening in the next year.

And start thinking about your finances a little differently. You don't 'borrow' 13k from your husband. If he marries you he is marrying the debt too and it is in his interest as well as yours to pay it off as quickly as possible.

But the bolded? Don't do that. Unless you have no self control and even then I dunno, drop the cards into ziplock bags of milk and put them in the freezer so you can't access them unless you want to go through a long annoying process. Your credit score will be complete crap with a 3k limit. Just don't use the open lines of credit. All unused credit is doing is helping your credit score which will help you down the line when you and this guy want to buy a house. This running away from financial issues instead of just learning how to use them responsibly is a terrible trend IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

I feel like you're broken up for good but if you are somehow more emotional and human IRL than you are on DCUM I would say your only chance of fixing it is to sit down with her and say something like, 'I didn't know this was such a weight on your shoulders and I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention. I'm also sorry I didn't take your request seriously and jumped to some silly conclusions. We've been dating for 3 years and I love you and see a future with you and in that context I understand that helping you with this is just helping us as a couple down the road. I'd really like to start this conversation over again because I don't want to lose you.' And say all that with real emotion and empathy.

And then start making plans to propose if you want to marry her. It has been 3 years. You either want to marry her or you should let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

I feel like you're broken up for good but if you are somehow more emotional and human IRL than you are on DCUM I would say your only chance of fixing it is to sit down with her and say something like, 'I didn't know this was such a weight on your shoulders and I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention. I'm also sorry I didn't take your request seriously and jumped to some silly conclusions. We've been dating for 3 years and I love you and see a future with you and in that context I understand that helping you with this is just helping us as a couple down the road. I'd really like to start this conversation over again because I don't want to lose you.' And say all that with real emotion and empathy.

And then start making plans to propose if you want to marry her. It has been 3 years. You either want to marry her or you should let her go.

+1. If you highlighted the fact that you are doing this for OUR future and that you did NOt understand how the whole sistuation made ME feel, I might take you back. But make sure you mean t and you really love her. Don’t waste anymore of each other’s time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

You don't. She's better off without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How do I fix this?

I feel like you're broken up for good but if you are somehow more emotional and human IRL than you are on DCUM I would say your only chance of fixing it is to sit down with her and say something like, 'I didn't know this was such a weight on your shoulders and I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention. I'm also sorry I didn't take your request seriously and jumped to some silly conclusions. We've been dating for 3 years and I love you and see a future with you and in that context I understand that helping you with this is just helping us as a couple down the road. I'd really like to start this conversation over again because I don't want to lose you.' And say all that with real emotion and empathy.

And then start making plans to propose if you want to marry her. It has been 3 years. You either want to marry her or you should let her go.

+1. If you highlighted the fact that you are doing this for OUR future and that you did NOt understand how the whole sistuation made ME feel, I might take you back. But make sure you mean t and you really love her. Don’t waste anymore of each other’s time

+1000

You need to acknowledge your failed her when you focused more on the money and not on how the debt was impacting her. Tell her it won't happen again, and that you will always listen to her and try to see her viewpoint.

If she takes you back, don't f_ck it up again. This was a major letdown: how could you let $2800 (when you make $90K) get in the way of a lifetime together? I would feel devalued and hurt if I were her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normally I would say asking for financial help in a relationship is a nono but you've been dating for 3 years. I'd you were thinking about marrying her you would have done it and if you weren't then she should have dumped you. 3years is sh$# or get off the pot time.

And your seeming complete lack of concern or empathy for her very limited salary makes it worse.

Bottom line if you're dating a graduate student enjoys making 24k a year and three years in they ask for some money for the first time they aren't a gold digger they justneed help. And if it was gonna be as forever relationship you would have wanted to give it.

This may be a crazy question but why didn’t she ask her family? They’ve known her all her life and if we are equating money with love, I assume they love her.

[Anonymous]

No way I could read every prior post....but, earning $24K, and, having $8K of credit card debt....WHAT THE HECK DID SHE BUY??? Is she planning to have a huge jump in earnings in the near future?! If not, well, her only financial plan seems for her boyfriend to help her. The monthly interest on that card is probably close to $150 a month. What would $200 per month accomplish? Unless she looks like a cross between Charlize Theron and well, Charlize Theron, dude, you need to move on.