GF broke up with me because of money problems

[Anonymous]

Last week my girlfriend asked me to help her pay off debt. We were on vacation and she said her debt is stressing her out. She's got $8,000 in credit card debt. She's in school and works part time as a TA. She asked if I could pay $200 towards her debt until next summer. On one hand I am happy she has been honest with me about her finances, but I wasn't comfortable doing this. I told her I would think about it. I really thought she was joking. Things have not been the same since we had this conversation. She's been very distant. We have been together for 3 years. We are supposed to go away to NY next weekend but she called off the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last week my girlfriend asked me to help her pay off debt. We were on vacation and she said her debt is stressing her out. She's got $8,000 in credit card debt. She's in school and works part time as a TA. She asked if I could pay $200 towards her debt until next summer. On one hand I am happy she has been honest with me about her finances, but I wasn't comfortable doing this. I told her I would think about it. I really thought she was joking. Things have not been the same since we had this conversation. She's been very distant. We have been together for 3 years. We are supposed to go away to NY next weekend but she called off the trip.

Put that one down under dodged a bullet. Stuff like that tends to escalate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last week my girlfriend asked me to help her pay off debt. We were on vacation and she said her debt is stressing her out. She's got $8,000 in credit card debt. She's in school and works part time as a TA. She asked if I could pay $200 towards her debt until next summer. On one hand I am happy she has been honest with me about her finances, but I wasn't comfortable doing this. I told her I would think about it. I really thought she was joking. Things have not been the same since we had this conversation. She's been very distant. We have been together for 3 years. We are supposed to go away to NY next weekend but she called off the trip.

Well, I don't see where she broke up with you, just that she called off a weekend trip. That could be a breakup or it could just be that she's very stressed out about this issue, and a) doesn't want to go away with you when you said you didn't want to help her or b) she doesn't want to spend money on a trip anymore. If you have been together for 3 years, you should be able to talk to her about this and get a better understanding of the situation. I think that if I was in your girlfriend's position, I would have felt very vulnerable asking a boyfriend for help that way and would have been pretty upset and hurt that you thought I was joking.

Before this conversation, what was your longterm expectation of this relationship? Dating for 3 years sounds like it was serious. Was it marriage material? Getting on the same page financially is an important step in a longterm relationship. Maybe she saw this as a conversation about longterm financial health and interpreted your response as that you do not care about that for her. Then again, maybe she's a gold-digging floozy who only wanted you for your $200/mo.

[Anonymous]

Never pay for someone else's debt who is not your spouse.

Feel free to save some money on the side to pay off whatever she owes at the time you get married, but in my opinion, I consider it a huge red flag for a GF to ask a BF for money or vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Does she need to be on 2 vacations back to back with debt?

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand this story OP. She owes $8k on credit cards and asked to borrow $200 until next summer, you said no so now she doesn't want to go on a trip (she clearly can't afford trips) and you think (/hope?) the relationship is over?

[Anonymous]

count yourself lucky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last week my girlfriend asked me to help her pay off debt. We were on vacation and she said her debt is stressing her out. She's got $8,000 in credit card debt. She's in school and works part time as a TA. She asked if I could pay $200 towards her debt until next summer. On one hand I am happy she has been honest with me about her finances, but I wasn't comfortable doing this. I told her I would think about it. I really thought she was joking. Things have not been the same since we had this conversation. She's been very distant. We have been together for 3 years. We are supposed to go away to NY next weekend but she called off the trip.

Well, I don't see where she broke up with you, just that she called off a weekend trip. That could be a breakup or it could just be that she's very stressed out about this issue, and a) doesn't want to go away with you when you said you didn't want to help her or b) she doesn't want to spend money on a trip anymore. If you have been together for 3 years, you should be able to talk to her about this and get a better understanding of the situation. I think that if I was in your girlfriend's position, I would have felt very vulnerable asking a boyfriend for help that way and would have been pretty upset and hurt that you thought I was joking.

Before this conversation, what was your longterm expectation of this relationship? Dating for 3 years sounds like it was serious. Was it marriage material? Getting on the same page financially is an important step in a longterm relationship. Maybe she saw this as a conversation about longterm financial health and interpreted your response as that you do not care about that for her. Then again, maybe she's a gold-digging floozy who only wanted you for your $200/mo.

That's what I thought. If she is anxious about debt, then it makes sense that she would cancel a trip.

It's possible that she read your unwillingness to help her financially as evidence that you aren't that serious about the relationship in the long term. Not saying that's right, but it might explain why she seems distant. It's also possible that she's distant because she's stressed.

[Anonymous]

At best, there are major communication problems. Maybe she did not break up with you -- maybe she is overwhelmed with the stress of debt, can't afford the trip and/or is not in a state of mind to handle a get away or enjoy it. Yet she's not capable right now of communicating that effectively.

At worst she's manipulating you -- going cold on you after asking for money and being disappointed that you didn't agree.

Or she did break up with you -- also lame, but a lucky escape for what seems like a mess of a situation.

[Anonymous]

Who paid for the recent vacation? Who was going to pay for the trip to NY? If she was contributing to these trips she should have used the money to pay down her debt. If you paid for these trips and now she wants you to pay down her debt you are a chump. If I were engaged to her I would help her out but otherwise no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the recent vacation? Who was going to pay for the trip to NY? If she was contributing to these trips she should have used the money to pay down her debt. If you paid for these trips and now she wants you to pay down her debt you are a chump. If I were engaged to her I would help her out but otherwise no.

Op here. She paid for her airfare and I paid everything else. We do not live together. I always pay for everything when we go out to dinner. I do make significantly more money than her. My salary is 90k and she's probably at 24k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who paid for the recent vacation? Who was going to pay for the trip to NY? If she was contributing to these trips she should have used the money to pay down her debt. If you paid for these trips and now she wants you to pay down her debt you are a chump. If I were engaged to her I would help her out but otherwise no.

Op here. She paid for her airfare and I paid everything else. We do not live together. I always pay for everything when we go out to dinner. I do make significantly more money than her. My salary is 90k and she's probably at 24k.

So she has no leftover money after she pays rent I am assuming?

[Anonymous]

Time for GF to get a second and/or better job.

[Anonymous]

Unless you guys are really young (like just graduated college), if after three years you're not comfortable helping her out when she's in a financial bind even though you could, that means you're not sure whether you're going to be with her for the long haul. If someone were still unsure about me after three years, I'd take it as a sign it's time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Have you been asking her to go on these trips, but expecting her to pay her own way? She probably doesn’t make enough money and was likely going into debt to go along with you. That may be why she asked you to help her pay her debt down.

But since you weren’t willing to help her out, she knows she can’t afford to keep going on trips and is no longer willing to go into more debt. So she cancelled the next trip. And she may be rethinking this relationship because she can’t afford to keep up with your lifestyle.

You don’t have to pay her debts, but if you like her, you need to respect her financial limitations.