Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

Honestly he sounds like a typical man from the 50s. Did he grow up with a SAHM? You haven’t worked in what, 5 years? And you had a THIRD kid? Sorry, he didn’t want kids, just did them to make you happy or have a nice Christmas card. He wants sex and dinner, that’s your job in his mind

No idea why you don’t figure this out after kid one.

If he makes a lot of money, get kids a nanny.

If not, go back to work and hire out; he is never changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

With kids you don’t go on vacation; you go on trips. He knows this and knows he won’t have the excuse of work to get out of hassles.

Did you actually go away without him? What kind of vacations did he miss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're looking for a diagnosis because you don't want to accept the obvious truth staring you in the eyes. Your husband cares only about his priorities and he doesn't prioritize what you care about because your opinion isn't important to him. He doesn't care that you're burnt out and overworked. I'll let you figure out what that means about any love he claims to have for you.

Some people will tell you to waste your time trying to find the right combination of incentives and heart-to-heart conversations and consequences to motivate him. But guess what? It's not going to work.

He, however, is not going to change because everything is working well for him. The kids are taken care of (by you), the house is taken care of (by you), and he is taken care of (by you). He gets sex, food, the respect bump that married men enjoy in society, and an easy life. You're the one who is suffering and that is not his problem because you are not a priority (and he probably married you fully intending for this to be the dynamic).

You have 3 options:

1. Stop doing everything extra that you do and reduce your effort level to his level. Your children and the household and everything else will suffer because he will not pick up the slack. He doesn't give a shit.

2. Make a plan to get out.

3. Accept the dynamic and let him continue to exploit you.

OP here. Yeah, I know you're right. It's hard to face reality, and I think that is where I am right now.

I will never met my kids suffer and I'm sure he knows that. He knows I am a completely selfless person and that I care about people, even ones I probably shouldn't care as much about.

It's in my nature to take care of everyone else first, even at the demise of myself.

You likely have some mental illness you are dealing with, maybe anxiety or low self esteem. What was your FOB like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that this stuff isn’t great, but I don’t know that your husband is so horrible.
The guy is the sole breadwinner, folds laundry (albeit at the wrong time), does all of the grocery shopping, and doesn’t seem to be bothered that the house is a little chaotic even though you are a SAHM with at least one of your three kids in school all day.
I’m not saying he’s perfect or should be given a pass on everything, but he doesn’t sound like a complete ogre.

DP. Disagree. His behavior sounds calculated to me. Calculated to avoid what he doesn't want to do.

Early in OP's post, it did sound like he was just distractible, but as it went on, it's clear this guy is a grade-A selfish jerk. There is no need for fancier labels.

OP, if this guy is this cold-hearted and has a rich family, you need to get your ducks in a row before you make a move. Put any assets you rightfully can, like that inheritance, in separate accounts. Consult with a lawyer. Gather all of your support system people; you will need them. Do you have relatives or friends who can help with some child care, for instance, while you meet with a lawyer or a therapist?

OP here. Yes, my family would be the ones to support me and the kids, both financially and emotionally.

The problem is that he has everyone fooled but me. So I think even my family in the beginning would be in denial but.. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

100% put that money in your own account. And the fact you are in debt with only one parent working is pretty terrible. You need to get a grip and take ownership of your life.

+1

Keep that money for yourself. Put it in a separate account at a bank unrelated to anything you have jointly, and whatever you do, do not commingle it.

Make sure not to tell him or anyone else about it and to tell your family not to tell him about it. The level of greed and malice that will come out of this man if he learns you have your own money will surprise you. All of his thoughts will be about divesting you of that money. Don't be stupid.

OP here. Unfortunately he already knows - my mother informed us about the incoming check since I had to get a document notarized for it in advance.

It's not a crazy amount but it would certainly help pay down much of the debt we have. So, I have mixed feelings about it.. 🥴

If you give up that money, you've really made your bed then. We can give all the advice in the world. If you don't have the sense to do right by yourself, then you might as well get comfortable with your dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

Probably:
His parents are rich and he was in sales so should make good $$$

How did you meet?

[Anonymous]

Ok, your husband was sounding like my STBX. After your latest post about his temper, being closed-off about sex, watching videos and just overall solitary personality...the two guys sound identical.

I'm going to warn you right now to be prepared for incredible aggression and even physical violence when he understands you're serious about leaving.

Take this very seriously.

He's not going to change or try to hear you. He's going to let you know you're not leaving without blood metaphorically and even physically being drawn. You're going to watch that apathetic, dismissive man channel a level of rage you had no idea was there. Be ready to record him and get a protective order.

I still don't know what is wrong with my ex, but there is something extremely wrong on the personal and mental level. Just get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

Probably:
His parents are rich and he was in sales so should make good $$$

How did you meet?

OP here. We met our first year of undergrad. I didn't know much about his family when we got together. I didn't meet his family until a few months after we began dating.

So had nothing to do with making money (or his family) because we were college kids. We've just been together for a really long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

OP here. I had to get a letter notarized authorizing the bank to cut the check. No exact timeline on when it will arrive.

Once it arrives in the mail, it'll be deposited wherever I want. So now I have to get a separate account set up just for me to put it into.

Do that now. Get a safe deposit box too. NOT IN ANY BANK YOU HAVE EVER USED WITH DH.
Use your driver's license and maybe another ID to set it up. Do you have a passport?
Get a new email address first. Gmail is wonderful imo. Set up paperless notifications for the new bank.
A glitch will be if DH grabs check out of the mail. Can it be a wire transfer to your new bank?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that this stuff isn’t great, but I don’t know that your husband is so horrible.
The guy is the sole breadwinner, folds laundry (albeit at the wrong time), does all of the grocery shopping, and doesn’t seem to be bothered that the house is a little chaotic even though you are a SAHM with at least one of your three kids in school all day.
I’m not saying he’s perfect or should be given a pass on everything, but he doesn’t sound like a complete ogre.

DP. Disagree. His behavior sounds calculated to me. Calculated to avoid what he doesn't want to do.

Early in OP's post, it did sound like he was just distractible, but as it went on, it's clear this guy is a grade-A selfish jerk. There is no need for fancier labels.

OP, if this guy is this cold-hearted and has a rich family, you need to get your ducks in a row before you make a move. Put any assets you rightfully can, like that inheritance, in separate accounts. Consult with a lawyer. Gather all of your support system people; you will need them. Do you have relatives or friends who can help with some child care, for instance, while you meet with a lawyer or a therapist?

OP here. Yes, my family would be the ones to support me and the kids, both financially and emotionally.

The problem is that he has everyone fooled but me. So I think even my family in the beginning would be in denial but.. 🤷‍♀️

You need to record his rages. He can lie better than you can and he will. Record him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're looking for a diagnosis because you don't want to accept the obvious truth staring you in the eyes. Your husband cares only about his priorities and he doesn't prioritize what you care about because your opinion isn't important to him. He doesn't care that you're burnt out and overworked. I'll let you figure out what that means about any love he claims to have for you.

Some people will tell you to waste your time trying to find the right combination of incentives and heart-to-heart conversations and consequences to motivate him. But guess what? It's not going to work.

He, however, is not going to change because everything is working well for him. The kids are taken care of (by you), the house is taken care of (by you), and he is taken care of (by you). He gets sex, food, the respect bump that married men enjoy in society, and an easy life. You're the one who is suffering and that is not his problem because you are not a priority (and he probably married you fully intending for this to be the dynamic).

You have 3 options:

1. Stop doing everything extra that you do and reduce your effort level to his level. Your children and the household and everything else will suffer because he will not pick up the slack. He doesn't give a shit.

2. Make a plan to get out.

3. Accept the dynamic and let him continue to exploit you.

OP here. Yeah, I know you're right. It's hard to face reality, and I think that is where I am right now.

I will never met my kids suffer and I'm sure he knows that. He knows I am a completely selfless person and that I care about people, even ones I probably shouldn't care as much about.

It's in my nature to take care of everyone else first, even at the demise of myself.

You likely have some mental illness you are dealing with, maybe anxiety or low self esteem. What was your FOB like?

OP here. Apologies, I don't know what that acronym stands for and Google isn't helping 😅

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

Honestly he sounds like a typical man from the 50s. Did he grow up with a SAHM? You haven’t worked in what, 5 years? And you had a THIRD kid? Sorry, he didn’t want kids, just did them to make you happy or have a nice Christmas card. He wants sex and dinner, that’s your job in his mind

No idea why you don’t figure this out after kid one.

If he makes a lot of money, get kids a nanny.

If not, go back to work and hire out; he is never changing.

OP here. Both of his parents worked and started their own business - they have two businesses now and both are very successful, hence their wealth.

We have talked about getting an au pair to help me with the kids but .. that comes with some considerations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

With kids you don’t go on vacation; you go on trips. He knows this and knows he won’t have the excuse of work to get out of hassles.

Did you actually go away without him? What kind of vacations did he miss?

OP here. Sorry for any confusion, wasn't my intention - I say we need to plan to go on trips (nothing at all elaborate or far, but just *something* to make memories with the kids).

We decide on the week in advance, but he never puts the requests in on time so we can't go the week we already agreed on and then it just keeps getting pushed and doesn't happen.

This year he took his first week off the week of Thanksgiving. So.. at best he'll take two non-consecutive weeks off a year. He is a salaried employee, M-F, and doesn't have to travel much, so to me, that seems low for PTO.

He has talked about wanting to become a manager, which would lead to more travel and away time. I have expressed I'm not into that (because we're already starved for affection and attention from him), but then I just get accused of not being supportive..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, your husband was sounding like my STBX. After your latest post about his temper, being closed-off about sex, watching videos and just overall solitary personality...the two guys sound identical.

I'm going to warn you right now to be prepared for incredible aggression and even physical violence when he understands you're serious about leaving.

Take this very seriously.

He's not going to change or try to hear you. He's going to let you know you're not leaving without blood metaphorically and even physically being drawn. You're going to watch that apathetic, dismissive man channel a level of rage you had no idea was there. Be ready to record him and get a protective order.

I still don't know what is wrong with my ex, but there is something extremely wrong on the personal and mental level. Just get out.

OP here. This summer I discovered a bunch of degrading content about women, including some violent ones.

I was so disgusted and disappointed and angry. I confronted him about it and it was all brushed off.

I have tried to bury that but now that I thought of it again, it just makes me want to be done.

I'm so sorry for your terrible experience. I hope you're in a better situation now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, your husband was sounding like my STBX. After your latest post about his temper, being closed-off about sex, watching videos and just overall solitary personality...the two guys sound identical.

I'm going to warn you right now to be prepared for incredible aggression and even physical violence when he understands you're serious about leaving.

Take this very seriously.

He's not going to change or try to hear you. He's going to let you know you're not leaving without blood metaphorically and even physically being drawn. You're going to watch that apathetic, dismissive man channel a level of rage you had no idea was there. Be ready to record him and get a protective order.

I still don't know what is wrong with my ex, but there is something extremely wrong on the personal and mental level. Just get out.

OP here. This summer I discovered a bunch of degrading content about women, including some violent ones.

I was so disgusted and disappointed and angry. I confronted him about it and it was all brushed off.

I have tried to bury that but now that I thought of it again, it just makes me want to be done.

I'm so sorry for your terrible experience. I hope you're in a better situation now.

Yup, there's a lot of anger and contempt towards women going on there. Don't stay. Just be prepared.