Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??
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Anonymous
OP here. Wow, this is so disturbing. I had no idea there was a playbook for this garbage.. And you're right, it has definitely been the frog in the pot situation, not a 180 the day after the wedding. He absolutely is a fan of gaslighting. He frequently tells me that I never said things or that he didn't hear me say things either in entirety or partial. He still tries to show physical affection like hugging and scratching my back in the moment, but I've always pulled away or resisted. He doesn't like that, but it's just my instincts, I guess. It is very hard for me to be attracted to or want to be physically intimate with a man who, according to him, doesn't even know me or help with parenting his own children. Weird right? |
Anonymous
OP here. Gosh, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that garbage. This past summer I found myself for the first time feeling some fear around him based on what I uncovered on his computer. He is a big guy and I am a very petite woman. So.. you know.. I ended up confronting him about this, perhaps against my better judgement, and he claimed that he felt bad because it meant that he was failing as a husband. Well.. I'm not sure if he actually meant that or not, but I can say with certainty that he hasn't made any improvements whatsoever in terms of spending time with his family, helping me parent, or working on his anger/impatience. I have said for years we need to do marriage counseling. He has always fought me on it. Still hasn't taken the initiative to set something up. It's beyond clear he never will sit through a session willingly. |
Anonymous
OP here. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you and your children had to go through that horrible experience. This past summer I found myself starting to fear him, which I hadn't ever experienced. Maybe I have pushed that to the back of my mind but perhaps I shouldn't ignore those feelings.. He is a big guy and I'm a very petite woman. There's absolutely no contest there whatsoever. The more I think about things, the more I have to admit to myself that there is just so much disrespect going on. He goes against some of my parenting wishes, makes rude comments to me, and he's just incredibly insensitive as a person. I think I've just fallen out of love with him. It's hard for me to say "I love you" or just "love" and will only type it out in messaging. Like.. damn.. If you don't mind me asking, what did your loser ex do during or after your escape? |
Anonymous
You’re replying to me and I want you to think twice about counseling with him. It’s very dangerous in a situation that is abusive and even if your situation is not that yet, a spouse like yours can weaponize the process and take advantage of your vulnerability with the assistance of your therapist. The self-pitying statements your DH is making after he’s caught are a red flag. Mine did that. Everything always got flipped back into him as the victim. OP, please get a therapist for yourself and an attorney just for a consult if nothing else. |
Anonymous
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I’m one of the pp with a similar exh. Therapy made things so much worse. The therapist sided with him. He is very good at making people sympathize with him. He then felt justified to treat me even more badly bc I was the problem.
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Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok, your husband was sounding like my STBX. After your latest post about his temper, being closed-off about sex, watching videos and just overall solitary personality...the two guys sound identical.
I'm going to warn you right now to be prepared for incredible aggression and even physical violence when he understands you're serious about leaving. Take this very seriously. He's not going to change or try to hear you. He's going to let you know you're not leaving without blood metaphorically and even physically being drawn. You're going to watch that apathetic, dismissive man channel a level of rage you had no idea was there. Be ready to record him and get a protective order. I still don't know what is wrong with my ex, but there is something extremely wrong on the personal and mental level. Just get out. [/quote] OP here. This summer I discovered a bunch of degrading content about women, including some violent ones. I was so disgusted and disappointed and angry. I confronted him about it and it was all brushed off. I have tried to bury that but now that I thought of it again, it just makes me want to be done. I'm so sorry for your terrible experience. I hope you're in a better situation now.[/quote] your husband sounds eerily like my ex. Things got really bad when I left. Just be ready. Mine became super cold and hostile, just pure hatred directed at me.[/quote] I'm the PP who posted upthread that OP's husband sounds just like mine. I see there are three of us here. I bet there are many more reading along who just don't feel like posting. Men like this is not rare. Narcissistic men with sociopathic personalities abound. The steps they follow are identical. They trap a woman through various devices. They give her the slow boil treatment by ramping up their awful behavior over the years, starting with neglect, gaslighting, and stonewalling. They become outright demonic when she tries to leave. I'm glad you got away.[/quote] Raising my hand as another one here. Mine shocked me by leaving me. And then went from unmanaged AuDHD territory to legitimately scaring, threatening, and maybe psychotic? It was especially shocking because he made the choice to leave and still punished me for it. Although mine was diagnosed with ADHD, sleep apnea, and later autism, I think that there are probably issues with differential diagoses between these kinds of things annd sleep problems and narcissism or sociopathy. What looks like AuDHd to a clinician during a few half days of tests can look much more like covert narcissism or sociopathy in the context of someone’s long term behavior. “Super cold and hostile”, as pP said, describes my STbX perfectly during the divorce process. The thousand yard stare of hatred that my sTBX does while clenching his jaw so hard his veins pop out convinced me that is not “just adhd”. It’s terrifying. If I could do things over post-diagnosis, I would not commingle a single cent, I would get every single password and document locked down, and I would start talking to attorneys.[/quote] OP here. Gosh, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that garbage. This past summer I found myself for the first time feeling some fear around him based on what I uncovered on his computer. He is a big guy and I am a very petite woman. So.. you know.. I ended up confronting him about this, perhaps against my better judgement, [b]and he claimed that he felt bad because it meant that he was failing as a husband.[/b] Well.. I'm not sure if he actually meant that or not, but I can say with certainty that he hasn't made any improvements whatsoever in terms of spending time with his family, helping me parent, or working on his anger/impatience. I have said for years we need to do marriage counseling. He has always fought me on it. Still hasn't taken the initiative to set something up. It's beyond clear he never will sit through a session willingly.[/quote] You’re replying to me and I want you to think twice about counseling with him. It’s very dangerous in a situation that is abusive and even if your situation is not that yet, a spouse like yours can weaponize the process and take advantage of your vulnerability with the assistance of your therapist. The self-pitying statements your DH is making after he’s caught are a red flag. Mine did that. Everything always got flipped back into him as the victim. OP, please get a therapist for yourself and an attorney just for a consult if nothing else.[/quote] OP here. Gosh, I didn't think about counseling like that before... did your ex use things from sessions against you for alimony and/or child support?? I think in my heart of hearts I know what I need to do, it's just actually doing it is the difficult part. My life feels like it's crumbling, while I look to my left and right and see siblings-in-law buying their second home, taking vacations, spending quality time with their kids, big job promotions, meaningful family time.. I had to have a cry yesterday morning once I learned some good news because I'm just so upset about everything. And everything I dreamed of for the future is being ripped away 😭 |
Anonymous
OP here. Wow, as the second woman who has said this .. it never occured to me.. were the therapists men? 🧐 I was laying in bed this morning thinking I have to try counseling because I feel like I have to try everything I can before doing anything in order to relieve my guilt and shame, you know? Like I tried everything I could and if he still didn't respond to counseling then I wouldn't feel as bad. I feel like tons of people tell you to do everything you can first before leaving/filing. I appreciate you both sharing your experiences and I'm so sorry you we ganged up on! 😡 |
Anonymous
I was the one who said avoid counseling together because of the possibility of it being weaponized. My exDH apparently went to a therapist secretly and on his own. All of his various providers, including his therapist, doctor who write his ADHD medication prescription, and his attorney, have all been women, actually. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. He’s consistently sought out sympathetic mommy types and essentially replaced me with them while using their female point of view as one to displace my POV as illegitimate. He also seemed to replace his relationship with me with those outside women. When I was no longer willing to tiptoe around his disorders, he got his emotional cup filled up by these people who he was basically paying to validate his feelings. My exDH did not successfully use his own therapy sessions for custody and the divorce directly, but he did use the tools and vocabulary he’d acquired during years of therapy to try to game the system during a custody evaluation. OP, you are in a tough tough spot. It’s lonely and crazy making to explain it to outsiders. I hope you can find support here. I would like you to read the book “Splitting” by Bill Eddy. You may look at the summary and think it doesn’t apply to you, but there is a lot of very tactical advice in there that is easier to absorb now than when you really need it and I think you’ll find it very helpful. |
Anonymous
Think twice about the ILs. When I was in this boat, I reached out to my MIL, with whom I thought I was very close. She appeared to listen and even acknowledged how she had struggled with exDH when he was younger for the same reasons I was sharing, and expressed regret about how she raised him and complimented the hard work I was doing. And then later she turned on me. Remember that these are the people who gave birth to and raised your DH. His shortcomings are something they are very aware of and either are the same as their own shortcomings or embarrass them. And given the choice between feeling shame at their own family or lashing out at the person who’s exposed their family shortcomings, what do you think they’ll choose? |
Anonymous
OP here. They're not often at all, but he will curse up a storm when some electronic thing doesn't work the way he wants it to or thinks it should. Earlier this year he accidentally hit his head on the microwave door (because it isn't level and stays open unless firmly shut) and screamed and punched it closed. Scared me and our kids. If course this was *after* I already told him that he needs to address his anger.. I got a sullen "yeah, I know..." like he knew the optics were bad.. He gets the anger from his father who will put on the longest crash outs I've ever witnessed. So husband has a short temper with items and he does with the kids, too. He used to curse at our then 2 year old during nighttime sleeping because they've always been a terrible sleeper compared to our first. Like.. even though they didn't understand the words, tone is something kids understand. The more I type stuff out.. ugh.. |
Anonymous
OP here. I can't remember if I addressed the initial comment about reaching out to the ILs. If I didn't, it's a resounding HELL NO. My ILs are extremely vindictive people. Like.. bad. My FIL is an incredibly angry misogynist and MIL is such a doormat that, even though she has been abused, she always sides with him no matter what. So even though they're wealthy, they would 1000000% back up their son because, why wouldn't they? To not do so would be acknowledging their own shortcomings as parents, and that will NEVER happen. I have even told my oldest that you never tell your grandfather what to do. Because you'll get an earful and then some. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for your continued responses, they are very helpful to me. I will certainly check out that book (among others some have recommended). Again, I'm terribly sorry you were subjected to such awful treatment, especially by someone who was supposed to be your life partner 😞 |
Anonymous
Type all of these out now in password protected word doc. Times and dates and specific words that you remember. This is emotional and verbal abuse. My list of “anecdotes” like this has been invaluable documentation during the custody part of the divorce process. It is exhausting to remember everything and then to start documenting stuff in real time, but you will be grateful to have it when you need it (or, if things improve, to not need it). |
Anonymous
| Everyting except 7-9 and 11 sound like ADHD. But he sees it himself, so he needs to go see a doctor and try meds and get soem EF training. |
Anonymous
| OP, while he may have ADHD, all the rest of the thread is not about ADHD -- something very different is going on, so you should focus on behaviors and not a diagnosis. |