Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you were very young when you got together and you have been the frog in the pot as it slowly heats up. Things are boiling now. You haven’t answered any questions about your education and job prospects. Which may mean you are a troll or may mean you are in deep denial of just how bad this is.

Quit talking about all the time you spend making your sick neighbor some soup and get back to school or back to work. The longer you don’t get it together on a career plan, the more tightly you will be trapped. Even if you never divorce, don’t stay married because you are trapped. Make sure you put yourself into a place where you always have options.

OP here. Yes, we were late teenagers, now almost 40.

I have a Bachelor's degree, previously worked for the Fed for a decade before having children. I know it will be hard for anyone to even look at my resume since it has been so long. But... gotta start somewhere!

Thought you met in Grad school? 🤥

[Anonymous]

This is some weird af AI post written by bots. The future is gonna be weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

Probably:
His parents are rich and he was in sales so should make good $$$

How did you meet?

OP here. We met our first year of undergrad. I didn't know much about his family when we got together. I didn't meet his family until a few months after we began dating.

So had nothing to do with making money (or his family) because we were college kids. We've just been together for a really long time.

Ok got that incorrect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

OP here. I had to get a letter notarized authorizing the bank to cut the check. No exact timeline on when it will arrive.

Once it arrives in the mail, it'll be deposited wherever I want. So now I have to get a separate account set up just for me to put it into.

Do that now. Get a safe deposit box too. NOT IN ANY BANK YOU HAVE EVER USED WITH DH.
Use your driver's license and maybe another ID to set it up. Do you have a passport?
Get a new email address first. Gmail is wonderful imo. Set up paperless notifications for the new bank.
A glitch will be if DH grabs check out of the mail. Can it be a wire transfer to your new bank?

OP here. No valid passport anymore. Need to get a new one and ones for my kids.

Unless he has moved them, I know where their birth certificates are and social security cards.

He just left the house so I'll go confirm.

Didn't think about a new bank - is that just to avoid him calling to say, "oops, wrong account, can you move it to this other one?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you were very young when you got together and you have been the frog in the pot as it slowly heats up. Things are boiling now. You haven’t answered any questions about your education and job prospects. Which may mean you are a troll or may mean you are in deep denial of just how bad this is.

Quit talking about all the time you spend making your sick neighbor some soup and get back to school or back to work. The longer you don’t get it together on a career plan, the more tightly you will be trapped. Even if you never divorce, don’t stay married because you are trapped. Make sure you put yourself into a place where you always have options.

OP here. Yes, we were late teenagers, now almost 40.

I have a Bachelor's degree, previously worked for the Fed for a decade before having children. I know it will be hard for anyone to even look at my resume since it has been so long. But... gotta start somewhere!

Thought you met in Grad school? 🤥

OP here. No, we were both 18 when we met and began dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.

OP here. Unintentional blindness? Ignorance? Stupidity? I don't know, take your pick. I don't regret any of my children and never will, however.

People who have been in a pattern for a long time take a long time to realize and objectively examine their situation. I'm no different.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place?

Probably:
His parents are rich and he was in sales so should make good $$$

How did you meet?

OP here. We met our first year of undergrad. I didn't know much about his family when we got together. I didn't meet his family until a few months after we began dating.

So had nothing to do with making money (or his family) because we were college kids. We've just been together for a really long time.

Ok got that incorrect

OP here. All good, no worries. We were 18, having just started second semester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird af AI post written by bots. The future is gonna be weird.

OP here. Ha, I wish I was a bot at this point.. I can assure you this is not AI .. everyone jumps to that way too quickly now..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your comment on asking your husband to show you your SHARED bank account scares me. Do you know the passwords to all of your accounts? If not, why not?

I caught that, too. Troubling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

So you have two school aged kids and the baby, parents who live nearby and will help you, no job, and debt that you need to pay off.
I don’t know, OP. I don’t know if you need a divorce, but you do need to get your own stuff together. There shouldn’t be piles of laundry on your bed. You should be able to make a meal plan with simple dinners every night so you and your husband aren’t fighting about it. If you need a break, then ask your parents to watch your kids for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

So you have two school aged kids and the baby, parents who live nearby and will help you, no job, and debt that you need to pay off.
I don’t know, OP. I don’t know if you need a divorce, but you do need to get your own stuff together. There shouldn’t be piles of laundry on your bed. You should be able to make a meal plan with simple dinners every night so you and your husband aren’t fighting about it. If you need a break, then ask your parents to watch your kids for a bit.

OP here. I'm doing the best I can with three kids (possibly 4 if you include the husband).

My oldest spends some time at home for schooling because of medical reasons, so is not away 5 days a week/8 hours a day.

My middle is not school age yet and obviously baby is at home full-time.

I'm exhausted most days and sometimes end up dozing off on the sofa (on the rare occasion I am able to sit for more than 10 minutes).

I know this sounds like a pity party and I'm not intending for it to be. Just trying to provide further insight. I don't know why the other person who helped to create these children should get a pass?

He gets upset with me over the messes in the house and says I just need to address it all, while conveniently leaving out that he should help me address it.

But it's okay, because last night he was up until nearly 5 AM in the basement tinkering with his hobbies.

I went downstairs to feed and change the baby at 4:30 AM and he didn't even notice. Then my middle woke up and climbed into bed with me and stirred the baby, all with him still downstairs.

I had to keep messaging him to go to bed, and eventually he did.. maybe I shouldn't have.. sometimes I let him go just to see if he'll notice or see how long he'll be doing something..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

So you have two school aged kids and the baby, parents who live nearby and will help you, no job, and debt that you need to pay off.
I don’t know, OP. I don’t know if you need a divorce, but you do need to get your own stuff together. There shouldn’t be piles of laundry on your bed. You should be able to make a meal plan with simple dinners every night so you and your husband aren’t fighting about it. If you need a break, then ask your parents to watch your kids for a bit.

OP here. I'm doing the best I can with three kids (possibly 4 if you include the husband).

My oldest spends some time at home for schooling because of medical reasons, so is not away 5 days a week/8 hours a day.

My middle is not school age yet and obviously baby is at home full-time.

I'm exhausted most days and sometimes end up dozing off on the sofa (on the rare occasion I am able to sit for more than 10 minutes).

I know this sounds like a pity party and I'm not intending for it to be. Just trying to provide further insight. I don't know why the other person who helped to create these children should get a pass?

He gets upset with me over the messes in the house and says I just need to address it all, while conveniently leaving out that he should help me address it.

But it's okay, because last night he was up until nearly 5 AM in the basement tinkering with his hobbies.

I went downstairs to feed and change the baby at 4:30 AM and he didn't even notice. Then my middle woke up and climbed into bed with me and stirred the baby, all with him still downstairs.

I had to keep messaging him to go to bed, and eventually he did.. maybe I shouldn't have.. sometimes I let him go just to see if he'll notice or see how long he'll be doing something..

He is living the way he is because he knows you will pick up the slack. Why don't you take a vacation for a week and leave him with the kids? I'm pretty sure no one will die while you are gone, but if you are worried, have a neighbor check on them mid-week. Once you see that everyone is still alive, tell him that you will outsource all the things he didn't manage to do, because now he sees how hard it is to complete all those other things.

If he doesn't agree, divorce is the answer. He isn't contributing anything to the current situation anyway, so you won't lose anything by divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

So you have two school aged kids and the baby, parents who live nearby and will help you, no job, and debt that you need to pay off.
I don’t know, OP. I don’t know if you need a divorce, but you do need to get your own stuff together. There shouldn’t be piles of laundry on your bed. You should be able to make a meal plan with simple dinners every night so you and your husband aren’t fighting about it. If you need a break, then ask your parents to watch your kids for a bit.

OP here. I'm doing the best I can with three kids (possibly 4 if you include the husband).

My oldest spends some time at home for schooling because of medical reasons, so is not away 5 days a week/8 hours a day.

My middle is not school age yet and obviously baby is at home full-time.

I'm exhausted most days and sometimes end up dozing off on the sofa (on the rare occasion I am able to sit for more than 10 minutes).

I know this sounds like a pity party and I'm not intending for it to be. Just trying to provide further insight. I don't know why the other person who helped to create these children should get a pass?

He gets upset with me over the messes in the house and says I just need to address it all, while conveniently leaving out that he should help me address it.

But it's okay, because last night he was up until nearly 5 AM in the basement tinkering with his hobbies.

I went downstairs to feed and change the baby at 4:30 AM and he didn't even notice. Then my middle woke up and climbed into bed with me and stirred the baby, all with him still downstairs.

I had to keep messaging him to go to bed, and eventually he did.. maybe I shouldn't have.. sometimes I let him go just to see if he'll notice or see how long he'll be doing something..

He is living the way he is because he knows you will pick up the slack. Why don't you take a vacation for a week and leave him with the kids? I'm pretty sure no one will die while you are gone, but if you are worried, have a neighbor check on them mid-week. Once you see that everyone is still alive, tell him that you will outsource all the things he didn't manage to do, because now he sees how hard it is to complete all those other things.

If he doesn't agree, divorce is the answer. He isn't contributing anything to the current situation anyway, so you won't lose anything by divorce.

Agree that divorce is the answer but OP also needs to work on her own stupidity. Why did she have multiple kids with this man? She needs to take responsibility for all the mistakes she made, because otherwise she will divorce and then marry a man that is even worse because she has poor judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

OP here. I had to get a letter notarized authorizing the bank to cut the check. No exact timeline on when it will arrive.

Once it arrives in the mail, it'll be deposited wherever I want. So now I have to get a separate account set up just for me to put it into.

Do that now. Get a safe deposit box too. NOT IN ANY BANK YOU HAVE EVER USED WITH DH.
Use your driver's license and maybe another ID to set it up. Do you have a passport?
Get a new email address first. Gmail is wonderful imo. Set up paperless notifications for the new bank.
A glitch will be if DH grabs check out of the mail. Can it be a wire transfer to your new bank?

OP here. No valid passport anymore. Need to get a new one and ones for my kids.
You probably can't get ones for kids without him dunno.
You definitely can get yours hopefully your passport hasn't been expired too long.

Unless he has moved them, I know where their birth certificates are and social security cards.
Take photos of them front and back.

He just left the house so I'll go confirm.

Didn't think about a new bank - is that just to avoid him calling to say, "oops, wrong account, can you move it to this other one?"

Yes plus using customer influence and contacts to get balances etc.
Think about getting a Mailboxes Etc box for your money check and passport to go, along with bank stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

So you have two school aged kids and the baby, parents who live nearby and will help you, no job, and debt that you need to pay off.
I don’t know, OP. I don’t know if you need a divorce, but you do need to get your own stuff together. There shouldn’t be piles of laundry on your bed. You should be able to make a meal plan with simple dinners every night so you and your husband aren’t fighting about it. If you need a break, then ask your parents to watch your kids for a bit.

OP here. I'm doing the best I can with three kids (possibly 4 if you include the husband).

My oldest spends some time at home for schooling because of medical reasons, so is not away 5 days a week/8 hours a day.

My middle is not school age yet and obviously baby is at home full-time.

I'm exhausted most days and sometimes end up dozing off on the sofa (on the rare occasion I am able to sit for more than 10 minutes).

I know this sounds like a pity party and I'm not intending for it to be. Just trying to provide further insight. I don't know why the other person who helped to create these children should get a pass?

He gets upset with me over the messes in the house and says I just need to address it all, while conveniently leaving out that he should help me address it.

But it's okay, because last night he was up until nearly 5 AM in the basement tinkering with his hobbies.

I went downstairs to feed and change the baby at 4:30 AM and he didn't even notice. Then my middle woke up and climbed into bed with me and stirred the baby, all with him still downstairs.

I had to keep messaging him to go to bed, and eventually he did.. maybe I shouldn't have.. sometimes I let him go just to see if he'll notice or see how long he'll be doing something..

He is living the way he is because he knows you will pick up the slack. Why don't you take a vacation for a week and leave him with the kids? I'm pretty sure no one will die while you are gone, but if you are worried, have a neighbor check on them mid-week. Once you see that everyone is still alive, tell him that you will outsource all the things he didn't manage to do, because now he sees how hard it is to complete all those other things.

If he doesn't agree, divorce is the answer. He isn't contributing anything to the current situation anyway, so you won't lose anything by divorce.

Agree that divorce is the answer but OP also needs to work on her own stupidity. Why did she have multiple kids with this man? She needs to take responsibility for all the mistakes she made, because otherwise she will divorce and then marry a man that is even worse because she has poor judgement.

OP here. Yes, I know I need to work on myself. If this goes forward, I don't plan on being with anyone else for a very long time 🥴

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

OP here. I had to get a letter notarized authorizing the bank to cut the check. No exact timeline on when it will arrive.

Once it arrives in the mail, it'll be deposited wherever I want. So now I have to get a separate account set up just for me to put it into.

Do that now. Get a safe deposit box too. NOT IN ANY BANK YOU HAVE EVER USED WITH DH.
Use your driver's license and maybe another ID to set it up. Do you have a passport?
Get a new email address first. Gmail is wonderful imo. Set up paperless notifications for the new bank.
A glitch will be if DH grabs check out of the mail. Can it be a wire transfer to your new bank?

OP here. No valid passport anymore. Need to get a new one and ones for my kids.
You probably can't get ones for kids without him dunno.
You definitely can get yours hopefully your passport hasn't been expired too long.

Unless he has moved them, I know where their birth certificates are and social security cards.
Take photos of them front and back.

He just left the house so I'll go confirm.

Didn't think about a new bank - is that just to avoid him calling to say, "oops, wrong account, can you move it to this other one?"

Yes plus using customer influence and contacts to get balances etc.
Think about getting a Mailboxes Etc box for your money check and passport to go, along with bank stuff.

OP here. Appreciate your input!