Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

OP here. I mean crush me financially to ensure I wouldn't get a fair share of child support or money. Probably not even my desired physical custody, either. They are rich and have a lot of contacts in virtually every industry. And if they don't have direct ties, they know someone who does. I have no doubt they'll exert their status and wealth to take care of their own son and to make me look like a horrible mother and person.

What is your desired physical custody?

If they were guardians, would they harm these children? If yes, how and why do you believe this?

OP here. My desired physical custody would be 100% since I am with them full-time and actually take care of them. But I have read that unless there is physical abuse, it will be 50/50. Which sucks. Because I can't trust him to take care of them when they are with him.

Sometimes when I am in the shower, my oldest will come to me and tell me Dad won't feed them because he's busy even after asking. Or will tell me that Daddy is being mean or won't help in some way.

This is probably the #1 reason I'm still here. Because at least I can exert control over the childrens' wellbeing as much as I can. It terrifies me to think what would occur during my off-times..

I don't believe my in-laws would hurt the children. But my FIL has the worst temper I've ever seen (probably where my husband gets it from) and he and my MIL fight all the time. I hate being around them when they go at it.

Do you believe the family would not ensure the children are fed?

Given what you have described, I would assume the grandparents would throw money at the problem for the son. Not a situation where custody could be adjusted due to evidence of neglect.

[Anonymous]

You are going to end up divorced from this guy. You should go ahead and do it while the kids are very young.

That said, you need to figure out what kind of career you can obtain. Do you have a college degree? Should you go back to school and get a masters before you divorce? You need to start getting very strategic.

And your husband isn’t going to actually starve the children. He ignores them right now because he knows they will go find you. I’m not saying his care of them will be optimal, but there would need to be a lot more red flags before I would think he is literally so abusive he would starve them.

You also need to go to therapy to figure out why you have put up with all this and why on earth you brought a second and then third child into this madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

OP here. I mean crush me financially to ensure I wouldn't get a fair share of child support or money. Probably not even my desired physical custody, either. They are rich and have a lot of contacts in virtually every industry. And if they don't have direct ties, they know someone who does. I have no doubt they'll exert their status and wealth to take care of their own son and to make me look like a horrible mother and person.

What is your desired physical custody?

If they were guardians, would they harm these children? If yes, how and why do you believe this?

OP here. My desired physical custody would be 100% since I am with them full-time and actually take care of them. But I have read that unless there is physical abuse, it will be 50/50. Which sucks. Because I can't trust him to take care of them when they are with him.

Sometimes when I am in the shower, my oldest will come to me and tell me Dad won't feed them because he's busy even after asking. Or will tell me that Daddy is being mean or won't help in some way.

This is probably the #1 reason I'm still here. Because at least I can exert control over the childrens' wellbeing as much as I can. It terrifies me to think what would occur during my off-times..

I don't believe my in-laws would hurt the children. But my FIL has the worst temper I've ever seen (probably where my husband gets it from) and he and my MIL fight all the time. I hate being around them when they go at it.

Do you believe the family would not ensure the children are fed?

Given what you have described, I would assume the grandparents would throw money at the problem for the son. Not a situation where custody could be adjusted due to evidence of neglect.

OP here. Well my in-laws don't live around us full-time, so it would be my husband with the kids and when in-laws are in town they would visit, no doubt.

No, I don't anticipate any change in custody, which is why it sucks.. unless we could agree on something between ourselves, but I don't even know if a court would accept an agreement between the two parties or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to end up divorced from this guy. You should go ahead and do it while the kids are very young.

That said, you need to figure out what kind of career you can obtain. Do you have a college degree? Should you go back to school and get a masters before you divorce? You need to start getting very strategic.

And your husband isn’t going to actually starve the children. He ignores them right now because he knows they will go find you. I’m not saying his care of them will be optimal, but there would need to be a lot more red flags before I would think he is literally so abusive he would starve them.

You also need to go to therapy to figure out why you have put up with all this and why on earth you brought a second and then third child into this madness.

+1

I’m not seeing a neglect concern with a wealthy family that will just outsource the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to end up divorced from this guy. You should go ahead and do it while the kids are very young.

That said, you need to figure out what kind of career you can obtain. Do you have a college degree? Should you go back to school and get a masters before you divorce? You need to start getting very strategic.

And your husband isn’t going to actually starve the children. He ignores them right now because he knows they will go find you. I’m not saying his care of them will be optimal, but there would need to be a lot more red flags before I would think he is literally so abusive he would starve them.

You also need to go to therapy to figure out why you have put up with all this and why on earth you brought a second and then third child into this madness.

OP here. Yes, I have wanted to go to counseling for a while now, I just greatly struggle with being able to do so because I am swamped 100% of the time.

I know it's not an excuse, just trying to provide a bit of context.

And hindsight is 20/20, right? Things weren't *this* bad until #3 came along and stuff has just gotten really bad. That and probably a combination of me maybe not minding as much because I had more time and energy with less kids.

I don't know if he is secretly depressed or something or what. More kids, more pressure from a financial standpoint, his sibling got a really big promotion and I think my husband is secretly feeling intimidated, like why hasn't he advanced more or something, they are both in sales so there's a lot to compare between the two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

OP here. I mean crush me financially to ensure I wouldn't get a fair share of child support or money. Probably not even my desired physical custody, either. They are rich and have a lot of contacts in virtually every industry. And if they don't have direct ties, they know someone who does. I have no doubt they'll exert their status and wealth to take care of their own son and to make me look like a horrible mother and person.

What is your desired physical custody?

If they were guardians, would they harm these children? If yes, how and why do you believe this?

OP here. My desired physical custody would be 100% since I am with them full-time and actually take care of them. But I have read that unless there is physical abuse, it will be 50/50. Which sucks. Because I can't trust him to take care of them when they are with him.

Sometimes when I am in the shower, my oldest will come to me and tell me Dad won't feed them because he's busy even after asking. Or will tell me that Daddy is being mean or won't help in some way.

This is probably the #1 reason I'm still here. Because at least I can exert control over the childrens' wellbeing as much as I can. It terrifies me to think what would occur during my off-times..

I don't believe my in-laws would hurt the children. But my FIL has the worst temper I've ever seen (probably where my husband gets it from) and he and my MIL fight all the time. I hate being around them when they go at it.

Do you believe the family would not ensure the children are fed?

Given what you have described, I would assume the grandparents would throw money at the problem for the son. Not a situation where custody could be adjusted due to evidence of neglect.

OP here. Well my in-laws don't live around us full-time, so it would be my husband with the kids and when in-laws are in town they would visit, no doubt.

No, I don't anticipate any change in custody, which is why it sucks.. unless we could agree on something between ourselves, but I don't even know if a court would accept an agreement between the two parties or not.

If the father cant / won’t feed the children, the social workers and system are a potential threat to his custody. If the parents are wealthy enough to bribe the system to protect their desired custody arrangement, they are smart enough prevent this by simply hire help to ensure the children are fed.


If the parents are buying a custody arrangement, they will buy the custody arrangement .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to end up divorced from this guy. You should go ahead and do it while the kids are very young.

That said, you need to figure out what kind of career you can obtain. Do you have a college degree? Should you go back to school and get a masters before you divorce? You need to start getting very strategic.

And your husband isn’t going to actually starve the children. He ignores them right now because he knows they will go find you. I’m not saying his care of them will be optimal, but there would need to be a lot more red flags before I would think he is literally so abusive he would starve them.

You also need to go to therapy to figure out why you have put up with all this and why on earth you brought a second and then third child into this madness.

OP here. Yes, I have wanted to go to counseling for a while now, I just greatly struggle with being able to do so because I am swamped 100% of the time.

I know it's not an excuse, just trying to provide a bit of context.

And hindsight is 20/20, right? Things weren't *this* bad until #3 came along and stuff has just gotten really bad. That and probably a combination of me maybe not minding as much because I had more time and energy with less kids.

I don't know if he is secretly depressed or something or what. More kids, more pressure from a financial standpoint, his sibling got a really big promotion and I think my husband is secretly feeling intimidated, like why hasn't he advanced more or something, they are both in sales so there's a lot to compare between the two.

Whether or not you are planning divorce, you need a career plan starting now.

[Anonymous]

Stop with this, I’m just so generous that I do everything for others nonsense. Get yourself to therapy and feed your kids chicken nuggets instead of whatever home cooking, organic goodness they get from you, because you are so selfless.

You are going to selfless your way into poverty if you aren’t careful. And get back to school or get planning on your career post-divorce.

And stop worrying about whether this man is depressed or ADHD or whatever, he is an ass that is basically threatening you with financial ruin to coerce you into staying with him. This is financial abuse. Call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them.

My husband has ADHD and some of your intitial bullets resonated with me. But my hsuband is not an ass and participates fully in our home, loves me and our kids and doesn’t threaten to take all our money if I leave him. Quit buying into the nonsense of a diagnosis. He has shown you he is a terrible person, believe him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to end up divorced from this guy. You should go ahead and do it while the kids are very young.

That said, you need to figure out what kind of career you can obtain. Do you have a college degree? Should you go back to school and get a masters before you divorce? You need to start getting very strategic.

And your husband isn’t going to actually starve the children. He ignores them right now because he knows they will go find you. I’m not saying his care of them will be optimal, but there would need to be a lot more red flags before I would think he is literally so abusive he would starve them.

You also need to go to therapy to figure out why you have put up with all this and why on earth you brought a second and then third child into this madness.

OP here. Yes, I have wanted to go to counseling for a while now, I just greatly struggle with being able to do so because I am swamped 100% of the time.

I know it's not an excuse, just trying to provide a bit of context.

And hindsight is 20/20, right? Things weren't *this* bad until #3 came along and stuff has just gotten really bad. That and probably a combination of me maybe not minding as much because I had more time and energy with less kids.

I don't know if he is secretly depressed or something or what. More kids, more pressure from a financial standpoint, his sibling got a really big promotion and I think my husband is secretly feeling intimidated, like why hasn't he advanced more or something, they are both in sales so there's a lot to compare between the two.

Whether or not you are planning divorce, you need a career plan starting now.

This. Like ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His parents are very wealthy and vindictive and would help to crush me, I'm sure 😞

Them crushing the children is your only concern.

Are they going to harm the children? How?

OP here. I mean crush me financially to ensure I wouldn't get a fair share of child support or money. Probably not even my desired physical custody, either. They are rich and have a lot of contacts in virtually every industry. And if they don't have direct ties, they know someone who does. I have no doubt they'll exert their status and wealth to take care of their own son and to make me look like a horrible mother and person.

What is your desired physical custody?

If they were guardians, would they harm these children? If yes, how and why do you believe this?

OP here. My desired physical custody would be 100% since I am with them full-time and actually take care of them. But I have read that unless there is physical abuse, it will be 50/50. Which sucks. Because I can't trust him to take care of them when they are with him.

Sometimes when I am in the shower, my oldest will come to me and tell me Dad won't feed them because he's busy even after asking. Or will tell me that Daddy is being mean or won't help in some way.

This is probably the #1 reason I'm still here. Because at least I can exert control over the childrens' wellbeing as much as I can. It terrifies me to think what would occur during my off-times..

I don't believe my in-laws would hurt the children. But my FIL has the worst temper I've ever seen (probably where my husband gets it from) and he and my MIL fight all the time. I hate being around them when they go at it.

Do you believe the family would not ensure the children are fed?

Given what you have described, I would assume the grandparents would throw money at the problem for the son. Not a situation where custody could be adjusted due to evidence of neglect.

OP here. Well my in-laws don't live around us full-time, so it would be my husband with the kids and when in-laws are in town they would visit, no doubt.

No, I don't anticipate any change in custody, which is why it sucks.. unless we could agree on something between ourselves, but I don't even know if a court would accept an agreement between the two parties or not.

Courts will accept almost any custody and child support agreement that the two parents agree to. And when I say almost, I mean a court would only overturn the joint parent agreement if there was some kind of obvious criminality, or serious documented physical or sexual abuse history (and even these things might not be enough to have a court overturn a joint agreement).

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

100% put that money in your own account. And the fact you are in debt with only one parent working is pretty terrible. You need to get a grip and take ownership of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

OP You have to put your foot down. You know his actions or lack there of are unfair.

Yes life stinks at times w littles however you two are a team .. and he’s not pulling his weight in any way shape or form

Only you can decide how much longer you can deal with & put up w all of what you’ve shared.


Wishing you the best!

OP here. Yeah, I feel like I have - we got into a big argument this past summer where I basically said I am contemplating separationand I'm doing all of the parenting work anyways.

He claimed he didn't know how I felt but that's utter BS because I've been communicating my needs and the kids' needs for years.

He said it was due opening for him but in 6 months nothing has changed. I'm starting to think about separation again.

Yesterday he was gone all day for a work off-site. When he got home he was on his phone again.. so frustrating.

I appreciate your reply.

Id stop w the empty threats. Maybe get the ball rolling on that separation. Speak to some lawyers

He’s full of excuses & not gonna’ change.

OP here.

Unfortunately probably right. Last week he asked me something along the lines of, "Do you think you're going to have a better life living in an apartment if we separate?"

It caught me a bit off guard..

I would have said, "I actually look forward to you having the kids every other weekend."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah … He needs to be seen by a dr.
You both are overwhelmed w so many kids.

He appears checked out from you & those kids.. Guessing bc he’s been able to coast & do so for so long.

Ugh.

OP here. I know I am super burnt out - I've been on baby nighttime duty since I gave birth. He sleeps with our middle child in their bedroom but kiddo oftentimes comes into the room for me, and then the baby wakes up, too 🫣

Not saying his job is easy, it certainly isn't physical at all. I used to work outside of the home before having kids and yeah, I get some days suck, mentally you're exhausted. He has time to listen to podcasts during each work day, so it leaves me wondering..

I appreciate your reply.

OP You have to put your foot down. You know his actions or lack there of are unfair.

Yes life stinks at times w littles however you two are a team .. and he’s not pulling his weight in any way shape or form

Only you can decide how much longer you can deal with & put up w all of what you’ve shared.


Wishing you the best!

OP here. Yeah, I feel like I have - we got into a big argument this past summer where I basically said I am contemplating separationand I'm doing all of the parenting work anyways.

He claimed he didn't know how I felt but that's utter BS because I've been communicating my needs and the kids' needs for years.

He said it was due opening for him but in 6 months nothing has changed. I'm starting to think about separation again.

Yesterday he was gone all day for a work off-site. When he got home he was on his phone again.. so frustrating.

I appreciate your reply.

Id stop w the empty threats. Maybe get the ball rolling on that separation. Speak to some lawyers

He’s full of excuses & not gonna’ change.

OP here.

Unfortunately probably right. Last week he asked me something along the lines of, "Do you think you're going to have a better life living in an apartment if we separate?"

It caught me a bit off guard..

I would have said, "I actually look forward to you having the kids every other weekend."

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Why did you / do you keep having kids with him? Put your kids in daycare, go back to work and hire a maid to fix your life.