Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

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12/05/2025 14:02

Subject: Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

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Anonymous

I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?