Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your comment on asking your husband to show you your SHARED bank account scares me. Do you know the passwords to all of your accounts? If not, why not?

OP here. We have separate log in credentials where we can both see the checking and savings accounts. But we can only see our own credit card line/balance and everything is bought under his (I have literally used my CC maybe 20 times in 15 years, I just don't use it). All the debts are under his CC so I cannot see that balance or the charges under my creds.

Do you have any other credit cards or assets from when you were working? FERS, TSP, 401K, IRA, anything?

OP here. Yes, I still have my TSP account from my working days. Thanks for the reminder! 😅

[Anonymous]

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He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

PP here. Yes, evil is their exact right word for this man and many other men like him. A lot of women live with evil people in the form of their husbands. The reality is so disturbing and terrifying, and society is so cruel in blaming women who are the mercy of these evil men, that women end up deep in denial. Hence posts like OP's (and that's not a criticism of you, OP -- neither this bastard's behavior nor your denial are your fault).

OP here. I appreciate your kind words.

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

Thanks for your reply.

Oh, he was always like this. You just didn't know because he didn't have you where he needed you. Once he had you tied down with children, he could show you his true colors and you were weren't going to run anywhere. Wasn't he right?

OP here. Ugh, this is a sucker punch to read but you're right.

I have been so caught up with the children that I guess I didn't have time to sit and ponder, I just have to get shit done.

I have been relentless, though, about getting off electronics. Hasn't stuck yet. Don't think it ever will.

We can only control ourselves. Can’t change anyone else. I have loved this and it was horrible. I finally left. Far too late.

* lived

OP here. I'm sorry to hear this - hope you're doing better now!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are getting a bunch of responses from women, many of whom are projecting or are outright misandrists.

I would venture another possibility: You keep talking about how you tell him to do things, like you are in charge and he is some helper. It’s also possible that you are hypercritical, and his avoidance is a coping mechanism in response.

Not an uncommon dynamic and his behavior is pretty common in marriages where the woman sees herself as kind of a task master. He ends up feeling emasculated and figures out that it isn’t worth the grief, so he looks for other things to do rather than the ones you “assign.”

OP here. I'm sure I'm critical of some things because he just doesn't think sometimes.

But also, the things I ask of him are things like, "hey, can you warm up a bottle? Can you get the kids some milk? Can you change a diaper? Can you put one of the kids to nap?" - so just basic parenting help. Nothing that takes a lot of brain power or physical skill.

I get not wanting to have to do the mundane - but we both signed up to be parents but I feel that only one of us is actually parenting..

When ALL of my kids ask for me, no matter what, I feel that is a problem..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

100% put that money in your own account. And the fact you are in debt with only one parent working is pretty terrible. You need to get a grip and take ownership of your life.

+1

Keep that money for yourself. Put it in a separate account at a bank unrelated to anything you have jointly, and whatever you do, do not commingle it.

Make sure not to tell him or anyone else about it and to tell your family not to tell him about it. The level of greed and malice that will come out of this man if he learns you have your own money will surprise you. All of his thoughts will be about divesting you of that money. Don't be stupid.

OP here. Unfortunately he already knows - my mother informed us about the incoming check since I had to get a document notarized for it in advance.

It's not a crazy amount but it would certainly help pay down much of the debt we have. So, I have mixed feelings about it.. 🥴

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might like this article from a divorced man about how he felt and the mistakes he made. Maybe if it resonates you can share it with your husband.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I think your marital situation is kind of typical and you are allowing yourself to become more despondent about it than is necessary. There are also more "just divorce" advocates on this thread than usual.

I think a "roommate marriage" is rather normal. Our ancestors didn't have a lot of expectations around romantic, sexy, beautiful middle-aged lives. People are more built for sticking together and muddling through. Prince Charming is a myth. (Ref: Charles, Harry, and even that Danish king who met his future queen in an Australian bar.) All people in long relationships take the other for granted. I'm a low gifts and compliments person because I prefer a few spontaneously given than lame check-the-box attempts on schedules. Maybe you should ask for "kid free days off" given what makes you stressed.

I would start looking for things your DH can do to bond with the kids. Maybe he can go grocery shopping with the oldest, etc. Find things like that will result in slow improvements. You can also teach your kids to request manageable menus and make sure whoever shops picks up those foods. Put the easy menus on a card and post them on the fridge. A middle elementary schooler should be able to assemble a microwaved soup and sandwich dinner.

OP here. I discovered Matthew many, many years ago and sent him his blog back then. Earlier this summer I bought his book and read it in 2 days despite all the craziness with kids and such. I made him download it for Audible so he can listen to it since he prefers audio books vs. paper.

I manage the grocery list even though I am not the one actually shopping (I don't go because I hate it and even if I loved it, the kids would be left to themselves which is a problem).

Unfortunately he always has a reason to not engage with the kids - I think I mentioned this earlier.

I think I keep trying to bargain with myself but not sure how much longer that can last.

Just thinking about divorce brings about a lot of shame to me. I only have two cousins, one on each side of my family, who divorced their spouses.

My husband has everyone but me fooled. So I already feel shame thinking about initiating a separation because everyone will be all shocked and confused.

PP. OK. Well only you know your personal limits. But you definitely shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for having limits.

Based on his remark about an apartment he may be just hiding/avoiding what he thinks is inevitable. Because you brought it up.

Do you have a vision of the best time to separate? Maybe work on your plan but allow for things in your household to improve as your youngest grows up a little more.

OP here. Not necessarily a vision, but I keep thinking about doing a separation first, I guess hoping this man will finally be scared shitless that he may end up alone without his kids around him full-time..

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP?
You said this has been going on for ten years, so is the oldest 10? Is your husband involved with sports or teaching the kids to ride bikes or anything? Can you ask him to do something 1:1 with an older child while you take care of the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

100% put that money in your own account. And the fact you are in debt with only one parent working is pretty terrible. You need to get a grip and take ownership of your life.

+1

Keep that money for yourself. Put it in a separate account at a bank unrelated to anything you have jointly, and whatever you do, do not commingle it.

Make sure not to tell him or anyone else about it and to tell your family not to tell him about it. The level of greed and malice that will come out of this man if he learns you have your own money will surprise you. All of his thoughts will be about divesting you of that money. Don't be stupid.

OP here. Unfortunately he already knows - my mother informed us about the incoming check since I had to get a document notarized for it in advance.

It's not a crazy amount but it would certainly help pay down much of the debt we have. So, I have mixed feelings about it.. 🥴

If you give up that money, you've really made your bed then. We can give all the advice in the world. If you don't have the sense to do right by yourself, then you might as well get comfortable with your dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Op, tell us other things if he is impulsive, gets into rage or mad, any weird sexual habits and does it take him long to knock off anger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, tell us other things if he is impulsive, gets into rage or mad, any weird sexual habits and does it take him long to knock off anger?

OP here.

Yes to being impulsive and yes to anger. This is how his father is and so he saw this toxic behavior during his childhood (and still to this day, his dad flies into rages very often and yells at his mom or just spouts off about shit in anger so often I can't even give an accurate count because I would just say constantly).

Husband is very short with the kids all the time and oldest ends up crying from their interactions most of the time.

I have brought this up to my husband that because his dad is so angry all the time, maybe there's a correlation there.. "uhh, yeah, probably.." 🙄

Can't speak much about his sexual habits because one has to have sex with their spouse to know such things.. I'm not attracted enough to even do pity ones.. all I know is that he uses a secret browser to watch videos.. don't know the content.

[Anonymous]

Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not give up the money. What did you have to get notarized? Is it setting up,something that he has access to?

OP here. I had to get a letter notarized authorizing the bank to cut the check. No exact timeline on when it will arrive.

Once it arrives in the mail, it'll be deposited wherever I want. So now I have to get a separate account set up just for me to put it into.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that this stuff isn’t great, but I don’t know that your husband is so horrible.
The guy is the sole breadwinner, folds laundry (albeit at the wrong time), does all of the grocery shopping, and doesn’t seem to be bothered that the house is a little chaotic even though you are a SAHM with at least one of your three kids in school all day.
I’m not saying he’s perfect or should be given a pass on everything, but he doesn’t sound like a complete ogre.

DP. Disagree. His behavior sounds calculated to me. Calculated to avoid what he doesn't want to do.

Early in OP's post, it did sound like he was just distractible, but as it went on, it's clear this guy is a grade-A selfish jerk. There is no need for fancier labels.

OP, if this guy is this cold-hearted and has a rich family, you need to get your ducks in a row before you make a move. Put any assets you rightfully can, like that inheritance, in separate accounts. Consult with a lawyer. Gather all of your support system people; you will need them. Do you have relatives or friends who can help with some child care, for instance, while you meet with a lawyer or a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

OP here. All young. From 8.5 years old and under.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate everyone's replies. Going back to work, I think, will be good for my mental health.

I'm about to inherit some money, and while my initial thought was to use it to pay off debts (husband likes to spend money), I'm now totally rethinking that and keeping it all under my name and not depositing it to our joint account.

100% put that money in your own account. And the fact you are in debt with only one parent working is pretty terrible. You need to get a grip and take ownership of your life.

+1

Keep that money for yourself. Put it in a separate account at a bank unrelated to anything you have jointly, and whatever you do, do not commingle it.

Make sure not to tell him or anyone else about it and to tell your family not to tell him about it. The level of greed and malice that will come out of this man if he learns you have your own money will surprise you. All of his thoughts will be about divesting you of that money. Don't be stupid.

OP here. Unfortunately he already knows - my mother informed us about the incoming check since I had to get a document notarized for it in advance.

It's not a crazy amount but it would certainly help pay down much of the debt we have. So, I have mixed feelings about it.. 🥴

He doesn't have to know when it arrives. Just say not yet.

You need to get your parents on board if you are thinking of getting out. They need to be aware to keep stuff to themselves and they need to prepare to support you.