Divorced with kids and GF wants to spend more time together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:She isn’t the right one for you. You are a dad, first and foremost. She is 10 yrs younger and doesn’t want kids- meaning she also doesn’t want to deal with YOUR kids and their obligations and your obligations to them.

She needs someone her same age that wants and has a child free life.

This.

It’s better for both of you to move on.

On a side note, 5-2-5-2 has killed more relationships among coworkers and in my social circle than I can count. It’s a rough one.

5-2-5-2 is great if you have teenagers. If your kids are under 10 it's too much time away from them.

What exactly is 5-2-5-2?

He keeps them for 5 straight days week one. Then the x keeps them for 5 straight days the next week

Sorry to be dense; what does the 2 mean?

It's 5-5-2-2. They are counting days.

They alternate weekends and alternate non-weekends, but the non-weekends are chipped and staggered so that you don't have to do 7-7

This sounds like a horrible schedule. I'd much rather have 7-7; seems more sustainable for having a normal life, dating, being able to schedule work travel, etc.

That’s actually a good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will be a source of conflict going forward and forcing him to choose between her and the kids. There are plenty of posts here from adult children of estranged divorced parents who chose to prioritize either the new spouse or the spouse's family.

Think hard, OP, about what you want your life to look like in 10 years.

I’m a huge proponent of putting the kids first but that’s not what OP is saying. He (although he won’t admit it) basically wants a FWB situation where he gets exactly what he wants (travel for work, take kids to sports, and also have down time) and she agrees to slot in whenever he has time. Except unlike FWB he also wants her to be monogomous and committed.

He could easily commit more time to her without compromising his parenting.

How can he commit more?

Scaling down work travel, inviting her to come to kid events, not taking so much down time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will be a source of conflict going forward and forcing him to choose between her and the kids. There are plenty of posts here from adult children of estranged divorced parents who chose to prioritize either the new spouse or the spouse's family.

Think hard, OP, about what you want your life to look like in 10 years.

I’m a huge proponent of putting the kids first but that’s not what OP is saying. He (although he won’t admit it) basically wants a FWB situation where he gets exactly what he wants (travel for work, take kids to sports, and also have down time) and she agrees to slot in whenever he has time. Except unlike FWB he also wants her to be monogomous and committed.

He could easily commit more time to her without compromising his parenting.

How can he commit more?

+1. I asked above - where does she think the extra time will come from?

Better question is where does HE think he has the time to sustain a committed monogomous relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the comments and advice. I will provide a bit more context and information. We met by chance not on OLD. She commented on my eyes color (mix of green/blue) and that comment led us to a 1 hour chat about us. I am bi racial and everyone always ask me if I am white Puerto Rican British I have heard it all. So that's always been an icebreaker for me with people. I was not ready not looking to date when I met her. But we shared a good laugh and talk and decided to have coffee the next day. And this led to more dates and 8 months later we are now in a serious relationship. So for me it's not about dating someone younger older with kids or without kids. Dating wasn't on my radars at all and I didn't even think about the the type of women I would be interested in dating. When I told her my age she was surprised she thought I was younger. I am former DIV 2 soccer player and very much into fitness. So I keep in shape. So that's how we met.

The reasons I take my kids to their activities on my non custody days is because my ex wife is not in a good place mentally. She hasn't been for a long time. In fact our divorce wasn't the result of "bad marriage". Her psychiatrist recommended the divorce which I resisted for 2+ years. I thought I could help her but her mental issues are deeper. Anyways don't want to get too much into it. So that's the reason I am the primary parent and it's been this way since our kids were small.

She did express that she wanted me to spend more time with her. And I will be honest I didn't have the best answer at the time. She expressed that a day after I canceled one of our date last minute because my son had a calculus exam the next day and didn't tell me beforehand so I had to stay and help him because he wasn't ready with some of the topics. She understood but was disappointed understandably so.

She has been in 2 long relationships in the past one lasting 4 years and the other 5. She is beautiful woman. Of course she can find someone her age who has more time.

As I said in a couple of months when we celebrate our 1 year together I'll introduce her to my kids. And she is excited about that.

As I said in my initial post I am genuinely worried that she wants and deserves more time that I can give her. I cannot and will not break up with her because she has done nothing wrong to me. Before we meet our kids we will have a discussion and I will tell her that if she thinks this isn't working and we should break up I'll reassure her that it's okay. I just cannot take away time from my kids and their activities for her sorry. My kids are everything to me and especially with their mother not in the best place I need to be fully present for them.

Some have commented that perhaps I shouldn't date and thats a fair opinion. I have thought about that as well.

Why can’t you break up with her? You seem to know you don’t have the time to give her what she deserves. When you introduce her to the kids do you anticipate actually incorporating her? Like on the night you have to help your son study can she come over for a glass of wine later? Spend the night? Move in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a serious relationship with my gf for 8 months now. She is great. However I feel bad that I don't get to spend time with her as much as she would want to. We have a 5-2-5-2 schedule with my ex wife. In theory on the weeks I have my kids only twice I should be able to see her more often. Unfortunately both my kids are athletes and have quite a few extracurricular activities as well that I need to them to even on the days I don't have them. And with my son we have to fly at least once a month for his completions. My ex wife will not take them to their activities even on the days she has them. If I don't do it nobody will and thats a shame. Even when we were married that was the dynamics she is the version of men that women complain about here.

My girlfriend is understanding, but I can feel her disappointment as she has even expressed that she wants to see me more. She was single for 2 years before we met. She doesn't want kids of her own and that's why I really want to make this relationship work. We talk every night text throughout the day but she wants more of that physical contact. And I have a demanding job as well. I am a consulting actuary and work long hours and travel as well.

Some days I wish she could just broke up with me because I feel like she deserves someone who has more free time especially at her age. She is only 36 and I am 46.

Any divorced man or woman in a similar situation? How did it work in the long term?

I can't do the FWB thing sorry. Having a long term relationship with someone just for sex that's for other people. I am not judging anyone. To each his or her own. If that's the only option I have as a divorced person then I'll just stay single.

Divorced father here. I was in your shoes. At first she was cool about the kids coming first. Then she tolerated it. Then she complained and demanded more of my time and attention.

Stage three was when I ended it with her. The kids come first. Full stop. If she can’t genuinely respect that, dump her. It sucks, but you will find someone else to make your dick wet another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a serious relationship with my gf for 8 months now. She is great. However I feel bad that I don't get to spend time with her as much as she would want to. We have a 5-2-5-2 schedule with my ex wife. In theory on the weeks I have my kids only twice I should be able to see her more often. Unfortunately both my kids are athletes and have quite a few extracurricular activities as well that I need to them to even on the days I don't have them. And with my son we have to fly at least once a month for his completions. My ex wife will not take them to their activities even on the days she has them. If I don't do it nobody will and thats a shame. Even when we were married that was the dynamics she is the version of men that women complain about here.

My girlfriend is understanding, but I can feel her disappointment as she has even expressed that she wants to see me more. She was single for 2 years before we met. She doesn't want kids of her own and that's why I really want to make this relationship work. We talk every night text throughout the day but she wants more of that physical contact. And I have a demanding job as well. I am a consulting actuary and work long hours and travel as well.

Some days I wish she could just broke up with me because I feel like she deserves someone who has more free time especially at her age. She is only 36 and I am 46.

Any divorced man or woman in a similar situation? How did it work in the long term?

I can't do the FWB thing sorry. Having a long term relationship with someone just for sex that's for other people. I am not judging anyone. To each his or her own. If that's the only option I have as a divorced person then I'll just stay single.

Divorced father here. I was in your shoes. At first she was cool about the kids coming first. Then she tolerated it. Then she complained and demanded more of my time and attention.

Stage three was when I ended it with her. The kids come first. Full stop. If she can’t genuinely respect that, dump her. It sucks, but you will find someone else to make your dick wet another time.

😂 😂

[Anonymous]

To all the people out there saying she can easily find someone her own age. Why hasn't she? If she supposedly have those endless options why is she with someone who clearly doesn't have extra time for her?

I love it when some women think they have endless options. Yeah sure that's why y'all are still single

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I saw your update.

I'm the forty something poster who has dated divorced dads. I went from dating someone fifty fifty (and he was off on his noncustody days) to dating someone who had 100 percent custody due to a spouse's mental health issues. It is rough, I am not getting as much as I want out of the relationship (it's not his fault - he just can't), and if we broke up, I would definitely seek out someone whose kids have already launched. No way would I have wanted this situation at 36.

I think you just need to be honest with her and tell her exactly what you told us. Maybe even cut and paste and put it in a letter with some more compliments at the same time as you sit down to have the convo.

She's 36. Personally, I think she should look elsewhere because you aren't able to give her what she deserves. Maybe if she's still single at forty, you guys can start dating again when you have more time. But I dont think YOU need to break up with her - you just need to be very honest with her. And acknowledge it's understandable if she wants more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, gotta agree that the kids come first.
It seems, though, that if you're flying to places for tournaments that they aren't that young at all. So, maybe 3-5 years before they are out of the nest and off to college?
Can she wait that long for more time with you?

OP here. My son is 15. He is a sophomore in HS. I'll also add that he is taking advanced classes and I have to help him with his academic as well. My daughter is 13. So my son will go to college in 2 years and my daughter in 5.

Can she wait? That's a tough question. Frankly I am not sure if it's even to ask her that.

I won't be upset if she breaks up with me. As I have said I will understand. I just can't have that additional time.

If we are still together at our 1 year mark, I'll introduce her to my kids. I already told them about her and they want to meet her, but I told them soon.

I have a 13 and 15yo as well as one in elementary. Both teens are very busy and do require lots of driving. Your ex can use uber or get a driver. I don’t think you need to be responsible for all.

But the gf doesn’t sound like a good fit. We know a widower who dated someone in their mid and then late thirties who always wanted more. She became a friend/babysitter/driver and it seemed fine. She wanted kids and marriage and he didn’t. The woman will always want more. If she is a catch, she can get better than what you can offer her.

We are probably around the same age and a single mom would be more understanding and likely a better match unless this woman really loves you and can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, gotta agree that the kids come first.
It seems, though, that if you're flying to places for tournaments that they aren't that young at all. So, maybe 3-5 years before they are out of the nest and off to college?
Can she wait that long for more time with you?

OP here. My son is 15. He is a sophomore in HS. I'll also add that he is taking advanced classes and I have to help him with his academic as well. My daughter is 13. So my son will go to college in 2 years and my daughter in 5.

Can she wait? That's a tough question. Frankly I am not sure if it's even to ask her that.

I won't be upset if she breaks up with me. As I have said I will understand. I just can't have that additional time.

If we are still together at our 1 year mark, I'll introduce her to my kids. I already told them about her and they want to meet her, but I told them soon.

I have a 13 and 15yo as well as one in elementary. Both teens are very busy and do require lots of driving. Your ex can use uber or get a driver. I don’t think you need to be responsible for all.

But the gf doesn’t sound like a good fit. We know a widower who dated someone in their mid and then late thirties who always wanted more. She became a friend/babysitter/driver and it seemed fine. She wanted kids and marriage and he didn’t. The woman will always want more. If she is a catch, she can get better than what you can offer her.

We are probably around the same age and a single mom would be more understanding and likely a better match unless this woman really loves you and can wait.

This. 100% true. I don't think men realize how bleak their dating prospects will be once they divorce especially if they are in 40s. Divorced women in their 40s simply have more options. Namely they are less likely to come across men who ask for more time with them. And women often take a more active role in leading the relationship in the direction they want. So divorced moms who are in a serious relationship with men in their 30s very early in the relationship can smoothly set the rules of the relationship without the guy even realizing. We men tend to take a more passive role and this is why women in their 30s are just a bad match because they want what we can't offer them.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned about your reason for divorce and the therapist sounds like they were terrible. I wouldn't want to date you.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe this thread keeps going after Jeff outed OP as a prolific troll who’s created numerous inconsistent threads. Go read Jeff’s post on the home page.