What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

If my child accidentally hurt another child, and instead of just saying “I’m sorry you were hurt” they went on and on about how it was unintentional, that would not be okay with me. I would explain to my child that while it’s good that she didn’t intent to do harm, what matters at this moment is how the other child is feeling, and that’s where the focus should be.

I think that is a pretty basic principle of repairing things and parenting mistakes are no exception. I don’t know what things will be like when my kids grow up, but I do know that I have done my absolute best, and that I have already, in only 14 years as a parent, I have made serious mistakes. Mistakes that already warrant therapy for my child because I didn’t understand that her needs were different from other kids. I have apologized and I will never, ever try to weasel out of accountability.

Again I don’t know how things will turn out in the figure, but at age 14 I still have a great relationship with my kid. She frequently says how grateful that she is that she can talk to me—about the issues she is having with friends, about her insecurities, about her doubts, about her dreams, about her frustrations—while none of her friends can talk to their parents, because I treat her like a person and her friends’ parents don’t care about their emotions.

I think that these parents who say “wait until your kids grow up and blame you for things” are wrong. I know how I will react when they do that because I’m already acting according to my principles. If you can’t apologize that’s okay but don’t tell others we can’t.

[Anonymous]

You are a religious zealot who homeschooled your kid now he is a college dropout and U THINK THSTS NOT YOUR FAULT?

Ask him what he needs from you to be a whole successful adult and do that.

You stunted his growth don’t continue to do so.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

I don't visit my past upon my children nor do I tell them what a great mother I am. What I do is acknowledge, in an age and understanding appropriate way, that I had a difficult childhood and that I have to work at maintaining my emotional health. I never compare their childhoods to mine (to them). Dh and I provide for their basic needs as well as emotional, social and intellectual needs. We are not perfect by a long stretch, but we are at least good enough. Their lives are vastly different and better than ours. We are giving them a "normal" childhood. I, as adults, they take umbrage without parenting, we will listen, support and acknowledge their feelings. As a child, I didn't think I'd live to 18, so everything beyond that has been a blessing. Having my family is a joy and my kids know their worth.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

Are you the "welp" poster?

Nope. Apparently, many of us dcumers had alcoholic mothers. The rest of you are alcoholic mothers.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

Are you the "welp" poster?

Nope. Apparently, many of us dcumers had alcoholic mothers. The rest of you are alcoholic mothers.

LOL At least you have a sense of humor. Hoping you inherited that from your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

Precisely. OP, if you love your son, you can apologize for the hurt that he has suffered, whether or not it was intentional. After all, if you unintentionally hurt someone, you still apologize, right?

You might benefit from DBT, a type of therapy that helps us understand that two seemingly contradictory truths can be held at the same time. It can be true that you did your best as a mother and created the very best life for your son that you thought would be good for him.

It can also be true that he had a really lousy childhood and that some of the ways that he was raised have made it very difficult for him to be healthy and happy as a man and father.

Both can be true. And you can both live and respect and treasure each other while holding those two truths. You can love him as a son who had a difficult childhood and is trying to get healthier, and he can love you as his mom who did her best even though her approach caused him some problems.

Life is complicated, as is love. But neither of you has to be the bad guy or prove each other wrong. You can go a LONG way to helping your son by acknowledging his pain, apologizing for hurt, and sharing your hopes and intentions about your decisions while also acknowledging that they had negative consequences for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

[Anonymous]

I love what my mom did about this.

My mom really screwed up. Hoarding, yelling, calling us names, just a completely dysfunctional environment. Boy I have some stories! When I was younger I really wanted her to acknowledge how damaging this was for me, because I wanted to have a closer relationship with her and I wanted to feel emotionally safe around her. But she did the typical "I don't remember that," "you had it way better than I did," "I tried my best," "well I guess I'm just a terrible person," etc.

Then she changed. She started to genuinely say "sorry you didn't get what you needed, I did my best but I know I screwed up."

But I and my siblings kept bringing up our childhood.

Then she said, "Okay, look, I know I screwed up. And you all are entitled to tell me that and get an apology. But you only get one turn. Just one time in the arena to say your piece and then you have to stop bringing it up."

She said it in a way that was really sweet and genuine, and I thought the ask was totally fair. So I don't bring it up anymore. Not sure my siblings got the message, but I like how she handled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

Are you the "welp" poster?

Nope. Apparently, many of us dcumers had alcoholic mothers. The rest of you are alcoholic mothers.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.