What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

Therapy often feels worse before it feels better. If you're a person who has ignored feelings most of your life, it really sucks when the therapist starts bringing them up. Therapy is a process, not a quick fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Why don't you ask your kids how they rate your parenting. Most parents believe they did a good job from their perspective. Most offspring have a different perspective and experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

Therapy often feels worse before it feels better. If you're a person who has ignored feelings most of your life, it really sucks when the therapist starts bringing them up. Therapy is a process, not a quick fix.

I went to a therapist who helped me feel an almost unbearable amount of empathy for my abusive mother. It was tremendously healing. So much healthier than the bad feelings I had when I went in. Because the truth is that no one is f'd up for no reason. They're f'd up for good reason. It's healing to understand that.

[Anonymous]

I had a therapist try to pull this on me once. I did not go for it. Sure I think my dad’s harsh, strict parenting style was not a good match for my shy, sensitive personality, and contributed to my anxiety. I will do better for my kids, but I don’t blame my dad, and I have absolutely no doubt that he loved me very much and was doing what he thought was best for me, based on the models of parenting he had been exposed to.
I told the therapist that blaming my parents wasn’t going to fix the here and now, and I wanted strategies for the present. She told me she wasn’t the right therapist for me.
I can’t imagine my life would have gotten better at the time if I blew up my adult relationship with my parents on account of something that happened in childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

Are you the "welp" poster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

NP. I think the above is so insightful. I also think many PPs are right in saying versions of "I love you. I tried my best; I thought I was doing the best thing at the time, and I'm sorry that I failed you." and give it over to the therapist.

I have one DC who is in college now, who has had therapy. She has a difficult relationship with her dad/my DH, IMO because they are too much alike--they are both cognitively rigid and don't forget any perceived slights. They will often bait each other and they are both total suckers in going for the bait. This is nothing horrible; it's like, of a pool of "good dads" he's a "B" dad due to his own limitations, and DC has always been a challenging kid.

I think that while the therapy has overall helped DC become more independent, on this particular narrow issue it's been at the expense of that relationship with DH...in that I think that what was a transitional teenager-dad rough patch has solidified thanks to the therapy.

Anyways, DC needed therapy and in many other ways it's been good for her and I'd sign her up for it again.

So, going back in time here: One time before my DC went to college, I was called into the therapist's with my DC, where the therapist and my DC conveyed to me that my role of helping mediate or smooth things over between DC and DH, or just explain why person A commented in that way...my role as sort of an interpreter, while it *had* helped their relationship stay afloat, it also created a situation where I was necessary, and the two of them needed to just develop their dyadic relationship themselves. In short, "Mom, butt out and Dad and I will just sink or swim."

And I did. It was freeing. She's going into her second year in college and I think their relationship has devolved. But it's not my problem. Every now and then I butt in a tiny bit, sort of encouraging DH to be the adult and be positive and don't take any bait (he agrees but just cannot execute), or trying to remind my DC that part of growing up is seeing your parents' flaws and not going all black-and-white on them but recognizing their limitations (and assuming that their limiations/flaws are not destructive to the kid, to lighten up a bit on it). DC is still too rigid to go there.

I do agree, OP, that no one can hurt you like your kid. Assuming that you did try your best, and always did what you thought was in the best interest of your kid, it's a balm or salve that you can put on your wounded heart. One day your kid (maybe when he has kids) may chill out, but in the end, just as he has to be responsible for his own happiness, so do you, OP. You cannot make your happiness dependent on his opinion of you.

And I'm sorry, OP. It sucks.

This is very helpful to read pp; I have a very similar situation except we are just entering the middle school years. I have a lot of baggage too about dads who berate their daughters and my biggest fear is failing to protect her. Obvs this is killing my marriage. I’m curious literally what you did in the moment to back out, esp given that both expect you to mediate. Did you walk away?

Your DD is in middle school? She’s a minor, living at home with you and DH, right?

If so, you have a duty to PROTECT her from the harm he’s imposing. Now. Full stop.

You do not have the option of stepping out of their relationship like PP did!! Her DD was in college by that point. Living under a different roof, with an adult brain and resources. Your DD is a CHILD without somewhere else to live of other resources to counter abuse from her father. You do not have the option of stepping back and letting them work it out!

Allowing things to continue as they are makes you complicit in his abuse. I have no doubt you fear that leaving him would cause other problems (financial etc.) But if he berates DD and won’t/can’t change that, you need to leave him.

Otherwise you’re teaching her (1) either she can not count on you to protect her; (2) her dads conduct must not actually be “that bad,” because you’re staying with him - i.e. normalizing the behavior such that she will expect/tolerate it from future partners as an adult.

I speak from personal experience. Give him an ultimatum and if he can’t/won’t stop, get her out of there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a therapist try to pull this on me once. I did not go for it. Sure I think my dad’s harsh, strict parenting style was not a good match for my shy, sensitive personality, and contributed to my anxiety. I will do better for my kids, but I don’t blame my dad, and I have absolutely no doubt that he loved me very much and was doing what he thought was best for me, based on the models of parenting he had been exposed to.
I told the therapist that blaming my parents wasn’t going to fix the here and now, and I wanted strategies for the present. She told me she wasn’t the right therapist for me.
I can’t imagine my life would have gotten better at the time if I blew up my adult relationship with my parents on account of something that happened in childhood.

I highly doubt the therapist was telling you to blow up your relationship with your parents.

It sounds like she was trying to help you see a pattern or connection between what you learned from your parents as a child, how you coped with it, and what’s going on in your present, adult life.

Why? Not to “blame” your parents! But to help you react and engage with your adult challenges in healthy, adult ways that help and serve you. Often to do this, we need to understand the behaviors and coping mechanisms we developed as kids so we can more consciously choose whether to. Infinite or discontinue them as an adult with people other than our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most people in their 20s and 30s go through a sort of reckoning where they take an honest look at their parents’ parenting from a distance and come to terms with their parents’ strengths and weaknesses and how it affected their upbringing. I think most adults go through an angry stage where they process how their parents’ faults have harmed them. And I think as people continue to age, especially as they reach late 30s/40s they come to understand their parents aren't perfect and did their best.

Parents’ imperfections run the gamut though and some parents do terrible harm to their kids regardless of intention or best efforts. People can still recognize that their parents tried their best but could still choose to distance themselves from said parents if their behavior was abusive. But I think the majority of adult children eventually accept their parents faults and eventually move past them — letters like this can be the beginning of that acceptance.

Excellent post. I did not have a great childhood. My mom had undiagnosed mental illness and was verbally abusive/emotionally neglectful. Today I have a very healthy, positive relationship with her. I've been in therapy and I worked through the crap from my childhood. Humans are complicated. She did the best she could and also, she caused a lot of emotional damage. Both can be true. I've forgiven her for things in the past without ever addressing it with her.

I remember a therapy appointment after I'd seen a documentary about Pink. Cameras followed her on her tour and showed her balancing her tour and family. There was a part when her daughter told her she really wanted to go home and see her friends. Pink told her ok and she and her husband made arrangements for him and the daughter to go back home for a while. I thought it was a wonderful example of a healthy relationship...daughter could express herself, mom listened. My therapist smiled and said "it is wonderful, but also, her daughter could sit in a therapist's office one day and talk about how hard it was to be on the road with her mom and all the things she missed." Not to sound all Oprah, but it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Even under the best circumstances, parents do things that affect their kids. It's just part of parenting. As adults we have the responsibility of making the best with the hand we were dealt and letting go of things that hold us back or keep us from being the best version of ourselves. You can't just blame your parents forever.

All good points! I think one key is for the parent to validate the adult child’s experience (or at least their feelings) rather than get defensive or offer excuses (however valid).

Being curious and open to hearing the child’s point of view can go a LONG way to helping them heal. Showing that you’re strong enough to listen, that you love them unconditionally, even when they’re in pain etc.

If done right, this phase doesn’t last forever. It’s not setting yourself up as a doormat or accepting “blame”. It’s literally just staying present and being a loving witness to their (very real) feelings. Just like you would if they were upset about the actions of an unrelated, third party.

(I’m picturing Pink doing this 20 years from now. Holding her daughter while she cries and replays her childhood experiences from HER point of view, which completely does not see or value how hard Pink and her husband worked to try to get it right. But hopefully Pink is secure enough to know she did her best - so much so that she doesn’t need to tell her kid that repeatedly as a justification or defense to her kid’s experience. Because her kid doesn’t want an explanation. She wants to be accepted, heard, and loved now, as she works though the pain.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

Stop your apology before the “but.” Would you consider therapy for you?

In the meantime, tell him how sorry you are. Without explaining or rationalizing or telling your side of the story. Just “I’m so very sorry I hurt you.” Then, “what do you need from me to heal?” And, “I want us to have a good relationship now, as adults, how can we get there?”

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Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

This right here is bad parenting. Your child has determined that they have a mental health concern and you judge the child for seeking treatment. That is pretty awful.

Also, everyone is in need of therapy, especially you.

You misunderstood. My child may very well feel disgruntled when he grows up, but I am not doing anything which would cause him to need therapy.

You dont think you are doing your child any harm but you might be. Do you really think your parents thought they were doing harm? Like Let's do x so you can tell their therapist how awful we were?

Welp. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was abusive. They were also fun, cool and smart. They gave no thought to how they were raising me and my siblings. They were emotionally immature. Like a couple of pps, I had decades of therapy under my belt *before* I ventured to have kids. I assure you, my kids will not require therapy because of me or their father. We are almost to them reaching adulthood and they are 100% more well adjusted, secure and capable than I was at that age. I didn't reach their level of well being until my late 20's. Your kids will probably require therapy because you are a relentless harpy.

Wow, you just shot yourself in the foot with that last comment. You can't be as well adjusted as all that!

You are a child of an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. NO WAY IN HELL that doesn't come out in your parenting,no matter how much personal progress you've made. The point is that your parents were just like you -- giving their kids the best parenting they had to offer. That's all we have to give at the end of the day. If you can't forgive your parents for their flaws, you still have a long way to go.

The abuse and neglect I suffered affects my parenting in that I DO NOT abuse or neglect my children. The therapy I participated in helped improve my adult relationship with my parents, even though they never acknowledged how badly they hurt me. I am a good person and I am a great parent. My kids are individuals and have different needs and wants. I am sensitive to their feelings. They are safe, valued and cared for consistently. You may believe a damaged person can't heal and go on to be successful in life, but that is my experience. My kids will be successful, too, without having to struggle.

My mother talked endlessly about her own abusive childhood and how she was "breaking the cycle" and "loving us unconditionally" and etc. She talked so much about what a great mom she was, and in spite of her own horrible upbringing, that I and my siblings believed her for a long time even though our experiences were not consistent with that.

In fact, my mother is mentally ill and abusive, and I am now being treated for PTSD as a consequence. She still believes she was a great mother, or at least "did the best she could," and that I am an ungrateful problem child! It's OK though, I do not speak to her.

Are you the "welp" poster?

No, first time post in this thread, and I guess my point is that sometimes even people who talk like they are healed, and put themselves out there as ideal parents, are not at all what they are presenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

FFS OP.

Wow! You basically just said it’s not my fault my kid is an a-hole.