What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

We aren’t talking about doing it continually, repeatedly, for years and years. That is unhealthy. But the first didn’t say that. She said “wait after we raise a kid we are supposed to apologize for shortcomings?” The answer is yes. Just one time of setting aside the defensiveness, the justifications, and other ways of focusinf on yourself, and showing a simple regard for the child’s feelings is warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

This is the truth. Parenting goes on and on and on and on. When your adult child has Grey hair they still want their parents to fix their unhappiness or at least accept responsibility. BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

You signed up for this job, and knew the terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

+1000

Apologizing when you make a mistake or say/do something you regret or that hurts another person is a hallmark of maturity and strong mental health.

It teaches our kids that their feelings are important, as are ours and everyone else’s. And it’s safe and good to take responsibility for our actions - even our mistakes and regrets. And the best part is, it makes the relationships STRONGER, not weaker. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum. [/quote]



Exactly. Think carefully about what those who were abused as children wrote here. They went to therapy before having children, which helped them break the cycle of abuse. They go beyond the bare minimum by valuing their children and ensuring their kids have everything they need and more. Because they suffered as children, they are aware of how precious childhood is and keep that knowledge as a guiding principle in their parenting. Of course they aren't perfect, but they actually consider the impact and influence they have on their children. This is above and beyond what most parents seem to do, but adult children of abuse know painfully well how important it is to have a safe, loving, and stable childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

Welcome to therapy in the 2020s. My kid did same. How do I know it was the therapist? He got a recommendation from a friend and that friend’s mother told me the therapist said to my adult kid, what she said to her’s. I’m now the complete demon and my kid is someone I don’t recognize anymore - we used to be much closer. My husband grabbed onto it and took my kid’s side, which I pretty much expected anyway. One more kid to permanently launch and I’m taking my life back.

[Anonymous]

^mother of the year.^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a narcissist.

Yep. “Oh poor me”.

Not the OP but I’ll speak for her: shut up you sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep working until they realize that whatever you did or didn’t do, scapegoating you is at best an excuse for not accepting adulthood and taking responsibility for building the life and character they want.

Good point. Understand that some therapists drive a wedge within families to push an agenda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Do we have the same son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep working until they realize that whatever you did or didn’t do, scapegoating you is at best an excuse for not accepting adulthood and taking responsibility for building the life and character they want.

Good point. Understand that some therapists drive a wedge within families to push an agenda.

Yeah, all those years in school and professional training and liscensing JUST for the pleasure of ruining lives and family relationships. Makes total sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

She’s not. She’s describing a personality type.