Reply to Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm female, 50, divorced and recently started dating again. I'm successful, attractive and very young looking for my age, and haven't had trouble meeting interested men. I've been dating a man I met through work who in many ways is wonderful for me: also recently divorced, a few years older, lots of common interests. The sex is great, we have great conversations, and we text on and off all day, every day. We are semi-long distance, so we see each other mostly on weekends, but when we are together it's terrific. Lots of "I love yous" exchanged.

The problem– which maybe isn't a problem? – is that while I have always assumed monogamy is an essential part of an serious relationship, he feels like he is not sure he wants to be in a committedly non-monogamous long term relationship. Some of this is our very different pasts: I have had several serious relationships in my life, including two marriages and two other live-in relationships that lasted a few years, as well as plenty of other less serious relationships before my marriage and between marriages. I don't really know if I ever want to live full-time with a man again, let alone ever marry again, and I take it for granted that even relationships that begin with love and commitment can fail (don't I know it). However, in an ideal world, I would really like to be in a committed, monogamous, LTR.

He, on the other hand, married a woman he had know since middle school and had dated since high school, and divorced after a 35 year marriage; he feels like he missed out on getting to explore sexually and emotionally when he was young. His marriage was a good partnership but never really involved a lot of passion or sex, and he is frightened of jumping into another LTR right out of his marriage. He also has close friends who are in open relationships or "poly" relationships, and he finds that model very appealing; he likes the idea that one could be in committed, loving relationships with several people at once, even if one of those people is your "primary" person. He says he loves me very much, wants to continue to deepen our relationship and can imagine being life partners, but he is not sure he could commit to monogamy.

Intellectually, I get this. Different people are different, love is not a finite resource, and on some level I feel like, okay, I can imagine two people in a committed but non-monogamous long term relationship, and it's not like I want to jump into another marriage, or that I'm even entirely sure I would *want* a long-term relationship with him: it's still pretty early (about six months), so why not stay open-minded, and in fact I could date other men too?

On another level, this just makes me really uncomfortable. I find lots of men attractive, but have no problem, when I feel like I love someone, forgoing having sexual relationship with other men, and I think I would find it very hard not to feel insecure and threatened in a non-monogamous relationship.

Curious to know what others out there think. Should I try to be more open-minded, and at least be willing to explore how things might go if we tried to proceed on a non-monogamous basis?  Or run for the hills?
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