Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

I am a loser because my boss yells all the time, he must hate me and I must not be good at my job. - maladaptive
I am looking for another job because my boss yells all the time and I deserve better. - healthy

Somebody punched me in the face, I am such a loser so bad things happen to me, I am going to go punch somebody in the face to feel better. -maladaptive
Somebody punched me in the face, I called the cops, my face hurts and I feel like shit so I am going to take 2 days off work and heal. - healthy

My spouse and I don't have sex anymore it make me feel unloved and depressed and I have not self worth. - maladaptive
My spouse and I don't have sex anymore, she says I'm ugly and fat, she has some real issues she needs to deal with I will help her find the help if she refuses I will need to start the process of leaving this abusive relationship. - healthy

Anonymous wrote:"Exist in a zen state where you don't care about cruel treatment from someone you love" is not useful advice. Yes, in some theoretical sense one can choose to ignore anything but most people are hurt by persistent rejection from their spouses.


"Help, I hate my job because my boss screams at me all the time."
"You are a weak person who is unduly affected by the anger of others."

"Help, I got punched in the face by a mugger"
"Pain is immaterial. You are a slave to physical sensation"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

So your self worth is based on how often you have sex AND your degree. Got it. Oh, and you might have a Messiah complex. Please begin the healing.

I just gave some very important advice. Your self esteem is not connected to how much sex you have... if it does, it's maladaptive.

If your spouse does not have sex with you and you say "what is wrong with me" instead of "what is going on with my spouse" ... it's maladaptive.

Sorry if your spouses actions control your self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

I think that's a gross oversimplification that ignores the deeply personal nature of the rejection between married couples. There are literally billions of women in the world who don't want to have sex with me. And while I'd love to have some of the attributes that might change that, fame, great wealth, six-pack abs, a magnetic personality, or whatever, ... , I don't feel devalued or less worthy in any way because of their opinion of my ****ability. Except for the woman that married me.

This is the person that knows you best communicating to you that some fault or defect in your character or behavior is so egregious that he or she is now so indifferent to you that he or she no longer wishes to connect in the way you once did. To be clear, I'm talking about a decrease in frequency or even enthusiasm due to age or stress or exhaustion because of different circumstances. I think most pursuing partners recognize that and have no illusions that sex will be unchanged from when they were dating. I'm talking about when one partner is essentially drawing his or her line in the sand and refusing to even consider any changes at all.

I understand that in this situation the pursuing partner needs to try to work on his or her own self-worth. To make changes for his or her own sakes. But I think its deeply naive to ignore how difficult that project is when in a relationship with that dynamic. In most situations where one partner is engaging in behavior that makes the other partner feel crappy, the advice is two-fold. Recognize your self-worth, yes. But also, leave the dysfunctional and/or abusive relationship. This situation is pretty unique in my experience in being one where many, many people (including professionals in the field) counsel to recognize your self-worth and then expect the dysfunction to resolve itself organically.

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems. That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't <fill in the blank>" you are being abused.

Yep, so true. Women, and to a lesser degree men, play these choreplay games. When you want it, you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems. That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't <fill in the blank>" you are being abused.

Let's concede that in many cases the refusing spouse isn't coming out and saying "this is because of x, y, and z." They might say that they've lost a connection to you. Or they might cite ways in which something related to x, y, and z has caused additional stress and responsibilities. And then, eventually, the very fact that there is an issue regarding sex becomes its own obstacle. Or maybe your spouse can't articulate a reason at all. I'm not sure the reason matters (ok, maybe health reasons matter), what you know is that there has to be some reason that has changed. And even if that reason is stress or past trauma, the change, at the very least, illustrates that where you used to be a safe harbor your spouse could turn to despite those issues, now you're not. I know how many therapy protocols would treat that thought, but I don't think it's a thought distortion. Unfortunately, it appears to be a very uncomfortable truth that is hard to not take personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems. That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't <fill in the blank>" you are being abused.

Let's concede that in many cases the refusing spouse isn't coming out and saying "this is because of x, y, and z." They might say that they've lost a connection to you. Or they might cite ways in which something related to x, y, and z has caused additional stress and responsibilities. And then, eventually, the very fact that there is an issue regarding sex becomes its own obstacle. Or maybe your spouse can't articulate a reason at all. I'm not sure the reason matters (ok, maybe health reasons matter), what you know is that there has to be some reason that has changed. And even if that reason is stress or past trauma, the change, at the very least, illustrates that where you used to be a safe harbor your spouse could turn to despite those issues, now you're not. I know how many therapy protocols would treat that thought, but I don't think it's a thought distortion. Unfortunately, it appears to be a very uncomfortable truth that is hard to not take personally.

So, what is your suggestion? Therapy until one party concedes or divorces?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a loser because my boss yells all the time, he must hate me and I must not be good at my job. - maladaptive
I am looking for another job because my boss yells all the time and I deserve better. - healthy

...

My spouse and I don't have sex anymore it make me feel unloved and depressed and I have not self worth. - maladaptive
My spouse and I don't have sex anymore, she says I'm ugly and fat, she has some real issues she needs to deal with I will help her find the help if she refuses I will need to start the process of leaving this abusive relationship. - healthy

In these examples, you cast an easy villain and set up a false choice between self-abasement and a reality that completely absolves you of the blame. Life is rarely so simple.

"My boss is frustrated at me because I have some challenges at work, that I am trying to address (but, however, imperfectly)."

"My spouse and I don't have sex anymore because something has happened that has made the activity particularly disagreeable and I'm left with the choice between causing my partner great emotional pain, enduring it myself without somehow letting it fester into resentment, or conceding defeat and giving up on the one thing in my life I value most with no guarantee it won't severely traumatize my children."

Maybe counseling helps. In my experience, it certainly doesn't hurt. Both sides probably have a bunch of thought distortions going on "She thinks I'm worthless!" "He only values me as a piece of meat!" But there are also legitimate injuries on both sides that may or may not be able to be healed. It's a crappy situation to be in, for both partners. But one that inevitably devolves in discussions into both sides retreating into their corners (unfortunately in a gendered way) where you have one side advising to leave the refusing harpy and one side suggesting it's just a case of a bunch of ridiculous man-children who have never considered if they are failing to meet their wives' needs. I can only say that in my own experience, yeah, I've considered that. It's a harsh truth to face.

I understand that many therapists would say the problem is that I'm not differentiated from my spouse. That my spouse's opinion means too much to me. That I'm not gentle enough with myself. That may be objectively right in the same way that saying that losing weight is a matter of burning more calories than you consume is objectively right. In both cases, the statement ignores just how challenging doing those things can be in certain environments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So, what is your suggestion? Therapy until one party concedes or divorces?

That's the problem. I don't have a suggestion. It's a really crappy situation where it sometimes feels like the choice is between trying to choose the lesser of two incredibly awful traumas. I have no idea at what point you consider it a lost cause and divorce, particularly when what you really want is your spouse back. I hope, at the very least, that mutual empathy can at least give us a chance. But it's another thing that is easy to say and sometimes harder to practice. I just think the conversation here (at other places too, but particularly here) is counter-productive because it devolves into a mutual ax-grinding session.

[Anonymous]

I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

Sorry to hear that. Have you tried high quality lube?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

You are always spouting this crap and you are wrong. Truly one of the most vile posters on the DCUM.

Men's sex lives DO often take a dive. They get older too. They gain weight, they lose their jobs, they stop getting erections (even with drugs), they are stressed and need sleep.

[Anonymous]

Also, if it's an obvious health issue, it's much easier for the other spouse to know that your lack of interest isn't a rejection of them. The loss of sex isn't ideal, but the feeling that your spouse is rejecting you is often the bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

You are always spouting this crap and you are wrong. Truly one of the most vile posters on the DCUM.

Men's sex lives DO often take a dive. They get older too. They gain weight, they lose their jobs, they stop getting erections (even with drugs), they are stressed and need sleep.

Yes, some *tiny* fraction of older men do lose interest. But why are you so up-in-arms about a minority case? What is so vile about me pointing out the vast majority of men remain highly interested in sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

You are always spouting this crap and you are wrong. Truly one of the most vile posters on the DCUM.

Men's sex lives DO often take a dive. They get older too. They gain weight, they lose their jobs, they stop getting erections (even with drugs), they are stressed and need sleep.

No, she/he is real. Some men take a nose dive but some don't. This is not applicable for his post. Why are you being so vile to even suggest that people are sexually active after turning 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

You are always spouting this crap and you are wrong. Truly one of the most vile posters on the DCUM.

Men's sex lives DO often take a dive. They get older too. They gain weight, they lose their jobs, they stop getting erections (even with drugs), they are stressed and need sleep.

Yes, some *tiny* fraction of older men do lose interest. But why are you so up-in-arms about a minority case? What is so vile about me pointing out the vast majority of men remain highly interested in sex?

Because theses poster always insists on "opening the marriage."

Here's the TRUTH:

Older than 50:

31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex. But even among couples who report being "extremely happy," an astonishing one-fourth rarely or never get it on.
Yes, some *tiny* fraction of older men do lose interest. But why are you so up-in-arms about a minority case? What is so vile about me pointing out the vast majority of men remain highly interested in sex?

https://www.aarp.org/home-family/sex-intimacy/info-01-2013/seniors-having-sex-older-couples.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH, and he still turns me on. However, I have health issues and menopause has made sex very painful....including lots of bleeding. I have seen various doctors and am trying everything I can, but sadly, sex hurts and that is no fun. I do try to satisfy my husband in other ways, but feel very guilty. However, sex isn’t everything in a marriage and if it caused him to cheat, I would divorce him. We are getting older and things change. The changes have been absolutely no picnic for me either. This thread makes me feel horrible as a wife.

1. Expand your definition of "sex": there are 1000+ mutually pleasurable acts do not involve female penetration. Find ways to make it fun for you!
2. Props for satisfying your husband in other ways... keep that up on a weekly+ basis and you have nothing to feel guilty about, and no fear of him cheating.
3. While your health issues are unfortunate, keep in mind that (if he's healthy) your husband's sex drive is strong as ever so you must not fall into the trap of believing that you are "done with sex" because at that point you should just divorce him ASAP, rather than wait for the inevitable discovery of him going elsewhere.

You are always spouting this crap and you are wrong. Truly one of the most vile posters on the DCUM.

Men's sex lives DO often take a dive. They get older too. They gain weight, they lose their jobs, they stop getting erections (even with drugs), they are stressed and need sleep.

Yes, some *tiny* fraction of older men do lose interest. But why are you so up-in-arms about a minority case? What is so vile about me pointing out the vast majority of men remain highly interested in sex?

Because theses poster always insists on "opening the marriage."

Here's the TRUTH:

Older than 50:

31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex. But even among couples who report being "extremely happy," an astonishing one-fourth rarely or never get it on.
Yes, some *tiny* fraction of older men do lose interest. But why are you so up-in-arms about a minority case? What is so vile about me pointing out the vast majority of men remain highly interested in sex?

https://www.aarp.org/home-family/sex-intimacy/info-01-2013/seniors-having-sex-older-couples.html

Isn't this kind of a silly argument? If her husband loses his libido, she'll presumably know it. And he presumably will not be asking to open the marriage. So how is the argument about the prevalence of low libido males even relevant? I certainly don't dispute their existence. I've seen plenty of dead bedroom posts from women elsewhere to know the low libido male isn't a unicorn. But it doesn't seem to relate to this situation.