Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

Disagree. Sexless marriages have been common for centuries, including 21st century.
Talk to your friends who are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

It would be much easier for you to line up and maintain APs if you simply informed DW the marriage is open. A low-interest wife has no legit grounds to object.

Why don’t you man up and divorce first.

Why sneak around, cheat, and shaft your family? So funny how men dont have time or mindshare for their families yet run around scheming and entertaining marital affairs. Just get divorced, you’re a cheater, stop rationalizing, it’s clear you don’t want to work on your marriage or role as a husband or father, get divorced. You file, be a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

don't think so. I'm in my early 40s and I haven't notice a drop/change in the past 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fixed that for you. H was throwing me into walls when I started my affair. AP gave me the strength to leave. I didn't leave sooner bc I had no selfworth after years of abuse and I was affraid STBXH would get some custody of the kids and turn his rage on them. You just go on thinking all men are victims and wives are cheating whores who will say anything to rope in the next guy.

Uh huh. No fix needed. You cheated on your husband, and you expect me to believe you're not lying about the reasons for it? Nope, nope, nope. No sale.

And no, I don't think all men are victims and wives are cheating whores. If a man is cheating on his wife and tells you it's because she doesn't understand him and is not having sex with him, he's lying about that, too. Cheaters are liars. You should understand this because you are a cheater and a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

It would be much easier for you to line up and maintain APs if you simply informed DW the marriage is open. A low-interest wife has no legit grounds to object.

I know you post this all the time, and sure it feel good and perhaps justified in stating that. I am sure you are a DH who has been burned by an asexual marriage, and I feel your pain.

But it is a really dumb idea in real life. I have a wife and kids that depend on me. My wife and I have had the "sex talk" ad nauseum, and it get slightly better then relapses to infrequency. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to know if I cheat. Basically, we are to real people who generally get a long, parent well together, at one time had a great sex life and rely on each other for all of life's travails.

I have zero desire to hurt her, let alone rub her face in it. Telling her the marriage is open accomplishes nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

It would be much easier for you to line up and maintain APs if you simply informed DW the marriage is open. A low-interest wife has no legit grounds to object.

I know you post this all the time, and sure it feel good and perhaps justified in stating that. I am sure you are a DH who has been burned by an asexual marriage, and I feel your pain.

But it is a really dumb idea in real life. I have a wife and kids that depend on me. My wife and I have had the "sex talk" ad nauseum, and it get slightly better then relapses to infrequency. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to know if I cheat. Basically, we are to real people who generally get a long, parent well together, at one time had a great sex life and rely on each other for all of life's travails.

I have zero desire to hurt her, let alone rub her face in it. Telling her the marriage is open accomplishes nothing.

Dude. Yes. You must just LIVE on this website...do you have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

It would be much easier for you to line up and maintain APs if you simply informed DW the marriage is open. A low-interest wife has no legit grounds to object.

Why don’t you man up and divorce first.

Why sneak around, cheat, and shaft your family? So funny how men dont have time or mindshare for their families yet run around scheming and entertaining marital affairs. Just get divorced, you’re a cheater, stop rationalizing, it’s clear you don’t want to work on your marriage or role as a husband or father, get divorced. You file, be a man.

For the same reasons that DW chooses to remain married to a man she has lost all desire for, the man might also want to remain in this stable room mate situation. But most men can't live without sex, hence the declaration of open marriage means at least it is not cheating. If she wants to "man up" and get the divorce over that, let her do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

Slow is a relative term. Compared to when I was 19? Sure, but I'm in my early 50s and my libido remains much higher than DW who is at the age when she should be a horny mess. Who knows? Maybe she is and she has an AP who's benefiting from it, but if so, she's really good at hiding it and acting like the adoring and devoted yet sexually uninterested wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

Slow is a relative term. Compared to when I was 19? Sure, but I'm in my early 50s and my libido remains much higher than DW who is at the age when she should be a horny mess. Who knows? Maybe she is and she has an AP who's benefiting from it, but if so, she's really good at hiding it and acting like the adoring and devoted yet sexually uninterested wife.

This.
I’m in my 40s and it has slowed compared to when I was a teenager or compared to when I was in my 20s. Back then, sex 4 or so times a day would have been nice. Now 1-2 times a day would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

Do most men’s libidos really slow in their 40s?

Slow is a relative term. Compared to when I was 19? Sure, but I'm in my early 50s and my libido remains much higher than DW who is at the age when she should be a horny mess. Who knows? Maybe she is and she has an AP who's benefiting from it, but if so, she's really good at hiding it and acting like the adoring and devoted yet sexually uninterested wife.

This.
I’m in my 40s and it has slowed compared to when I was a teenager or compared to when I was in my 20s. Back then, sex 4 or so times a day would have been nice. Now 1-2 times a day would be nice.

Precisely. And that's still a hell of a lot more than 1 time per week, or more realistically, 2-3 times per month.

[Anonymous]

I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Pay attention to her actions, not her words. Of course she's not going to say directly that she's not attracted to you. But her actions show very clearly that she's not attracted to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got an odd one to continue this thread...DW tells me "I'm attracted to you but am not into wanting sex right now." She cites fatigue, some depression and some self image issues. I get it and try to help her as much as I can but I can see this leading to months of no sex.

Not that odd. I've had my DW say similar things. Insists, with heartfelt and sincere tone, even some tears, that she still finds me attractive and sexy...but still has very little interest in sex beyond once a week (or less) duty sex. I'd bet a large sum of money other guys will chime in with similar stories soon enough.