Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that relationships change over time. Maybe 20 years ago your husband could regularly listen to your complaints and provide you with emotional support when you are facing challenges. So what started out as a high degree of emotional support and interest has quietly mutated into a relationship where he doesn't give a crap about your problems. That would be fine, right? Life is change.

[Anonymous]

Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time?

Men want a physical relationship, at 20 and at 50. If women become a little dead inside with time due to biology, if women choose to prioritize volunteering at 8 different organizations over sex with their spouses, that’s on women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

+1

Athol Kay said it well in The Married Man Sex Life Primer:

“Marriage is, at its heart, a sexual relationship. Without the sex it’s just a legally binding friendship, which is a needlessly complicated way of having a friend. A basic agreement of being married is to meet each other’s sexual needs and not to run round getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and sexless marriages break that relationship agreement.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Athol Kay said it well in The Married Man Sex Life Primer:

“Marriage is, at its heart, a sexual relationship. Without the sex it’s just a legally binding friendship, which is a needlessly complicated way of having a friend. A basic agreement of being married is to meet each other’s sexual needs and not to run round getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and sexless marriages break that relationship agreement.”

Also, women are shitty friends. They expect all the special treatment of a girlfriend, without providing any sex in exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Athol Kay said it well in The Married Man Sex Life Primer:

“Marriage is, at its heart, a sexual relationship. Without the sex it’s just a legally binding friendship, which is a needlessly complicated way of having a friend. A basic agreement of being married is to meet each other’s sexual needs and not to run round getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and sexless marriages break that relationship agreement.”

Also, women are shitty friends. They expect all the special treatment of a girlfriend, without providing any sex in exchange.

This. None of my friends expect me to change lightbulbs, kill bugs, carry suitcases, buy them anniversary and birthday presents, watch Love Actually or give their kids baths. As long as I bring beer, we're good and we don't even have to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Men aren't always the higher libido partner. Higher libido women are a minority, but not a particularly small one if we go by who posts on forums about this stuff.

Obviously, I can't speak for all men, but I think many men do understand that these things change. I don't think most expect the same frequency or intensity as when the relationship was new. But, speaking for myself, it's hard for me to feel that sense of deep security, trust, mutual respect, love, and affection if my partner is avoiding physical intimacy with me. There's this assumption that men don't recognize that their behavior may have contributed to the lack of intimacy. That isn't my experience at all. I'm hyper-aware of that possibility. That I've screwed something up to the point that my partner no longer trusts or values me. That's what makes it hard.

Quoted PP here.

how often do you have sex? Just curious. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this without specifics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

+1

Athol Kay said it well in The Married Man Sex Life Primer:

“Marriage is, at its heart, a sexual relationship. Without the sex it’s just a legally binding friendship, which is a needlessly complicated way of having a friend. A basic agreement of being married is to meet each other’s sexual needs and not to run round getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and sexless marriages break that relationship agreement.”

If you have children, it's a little more involved than just a "legally binding friendship." Especially if any of those children have special needs. My husband is my biggest support when dealing with our child with SN and I hope he would say the same. I couldn't imagine doing this without him. To me, what we've gone through with parenting him is way more intimate and bonding than sex.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

That's fine so long as you are giving your husband BJs on the six nights a week that you don't want an orgasm.

[Anonymous]

Women aren't shitty friends. My women friends are awesome. Amazing. Interesting. Fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

In other words, it's your world and we're just living in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Men aren't always the higher libido partner. Higher libido women are a minority, but not a particularly small one if we go by who posts on forums about this stuff.

Obviously, I can't speak for all men, but I think many men do understand that these things change. I don't think most expect the same frequency or intensity as when the relationship was new. But, speaking for myself, it's hard for me to feel that sense of deep security, trust, mutual respect, love, and affection if my partner is avoiding physical intimacy with me. There's this assumption that men don't recognize that their behavior may have contributed to the lack of intimacy. That isn't my experience at all. I'm hyper-aware of that possibility. That I've screwed something up to the point that my partner no longer trusts or values me. That's what makes it hard.

Quoted PP here.

how often do you have sex? Just curious. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this without specifics.

It's currently quite literally a sexless marriage. It's been almost a year and it's been several years since we were outside that quasi-clinical definition of fewer than 10 times a year. We're in counseling. We want to fix it. But I'm not sure we know how to fix it. As you might expect, it's done a number on both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

In other words, it's your world and we're just living in it.

Well you don't really think husbands should be pressuring their wives into sex they don't want, do you?

What would we call a boyfriend who does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

In other words, it's your world and we're just living in it.

Well you don't really think husbands should be pressuring their wives into sex they don't want, do you?

What would we call a boyfriend who does that?

GMAFB. Nobody said anything about pressuring anyone except you.

Call me crazy, but in a marriage, what both spouses want should be taken into consideration. There's this thing called compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I wanted to mention something you men may not have thought of. I honestly only want to have sex once a week and here's why. I've found that my orgasms are WAY more intense the longer I go in between. On a once a week basis, they are toe curling/back arching/practically medicinal in how they improve my mood and release stress.

But they get less intense the more frequently they occur. So I feel that paradoxically, the sex is way better the less frequently it occurs. You can go too far in the opposite direction too though. Less than once a week and sometimes it can feel awkward. Once a week is the perfect amount.

Your wives may have found the same. Just something to think about.

In other words, it's your world and we're just living in it.

Well you don't really think husbands should be pressuring their wives into sex they don't want, do you?

What would we call a boyfriend who does that?

Well that’s potentially a bit of a bait and switch. If a DH said, “this marriage is not meeting my sexual needs, and unless that changes I can’t stay in it”—is that pressure or not as you interpret the term?