Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

My instincts were going over time and I could just tell something was up, so I did some snooping and found she had emails with him. I figured out how to review phone text message statement and it showed tons of communications. I confronted her, there were the initial denials, etc. The rest is for another thread! Good luck, five years later, I am re-coupled and life is good! "It gets better."

Unfortunately, in my case, her phone is provided through her employer so I don't have access to the bill. She's very close hold with it and doesn't sync her ipad with it so it would be harder for me to dig deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

My instincts were going over time and I could just tell something was up, so I did some snooping and found she had emails with him. I figured out how to review phone text message statement and it showed tons of communications. I confronted her, there were the initial denials, etc. The rest is for another thread! Good luck, five years later, I am re-coupled and life is good! "It gets better."

Unfortunately, in my case, her phone is provided through her employer so I don't have access to the bill. She's very close hold with it and doesn't sync her ipad with it so it would be harder for me to dig deeper.

Curious - why don't you ask? I think her answer would be quite telling. If your DW is having suspicious behavior and jumps on you for wanting to spy or snoop and maybe she possible gets mad at you, you know something is up. Dig deeper.

[Anonymous]

Do you think sexless marriages are more common in DC and the surrounding areas than other parts of the country? I knew my DW and I had different libidos when we were dating and engaged, but I'm hoping that a complete lack of sex isn't down the road in a few years. I've said I can't live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think sexless marriages are more common in DC and the surrounding areas than other parts of the country? I knew my DW and I had different libidos when we were dating and engaged, but I'm hoping that a complete lack of sex isn't down the road in a few years. I've said I can't live like that.

This is not hard, people. Don't complicate it. You simply set the expectation that a normal sexlife is a dealbreaker, then if her interest goes down, you tell her the marriage is Open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think sexless marriages are more common in DC and the surrounding areas than other parts of the country? I knew my DW and I had different libidos when we were dating and engaged, but I'm hoping that a complete lack of sex isn't down the road in a few years. I've said I can't live like that.

I don't think it has anything to do with DC. Libidos do slow down due to child raising and all of that and maybe same person sexual boredom. We've been going strong for a long time, almost 30 years, but we have always made a point of avoiding same old same old and mix it up many different ways but just with ourselves. We are good for twice a week which is pretty good at our age I think. Don't be complacent and be a little adventurous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

Yup this is exactly what happened with my DW.

Remember: he or she is never really "asexual" or "low libido". They are asexual with you or low libido with you.

DW here and this is absolutely true. I can’t get enough with AP but only do rare duty sex for DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

Do you have kids and if so, how old?

I’m in the same boat, chose option 1 but haven’t taken the leap to actually leave. If I didn’t have young kids, I’d be gone and marry AP.

I have kids, AP does not. He's leaving more due to lack of sex, as he's in a low conflict marriage. They lost their emotional bond over the years when his wife decided she didn't want to have sex any longer. They became roommates, and he couldn't imagine living another 40-50 years with a platonic roommate wife. He wanted more and she was never going to change. She's a narsicist and too self absorbed to understand their relationship is broken. She was blindsided by the initiation of the divorce, but shouldn't have been since they hadn't had sex in years. She still has no idea about the affair.

My situation is much different. H is verbally abusive and has untreated depression. We haven't had sex bc he is depressed and I don't want to have sex with someone that treats me like sh1t. He yells profanities at me, throws things at me, and spits on me in front of our children. If my kids see me in a healthy, loving relationship with soneone who loves and respects me, it will be for the better. Sexless marriage is only one reason I'm divorcing H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

Not all #1s are affairs. DW gave me a hall pass. We're much happier now we've opened our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

Do you have kids and if so, how old?

I’m in the same boat, chose option 1 but haven’t taken the leap to actually leave. If I didn’t have young kids, I’d be gone and marry AP.

I have kids, AP does not. He's leaving more due to lack of sex, as he's in a low conflict marriage. They lost their emotional bond over the years when his wife decided she didn't want to have sex any longer. They became roommates, and he couldn't imagine living another 40-50 years with a platonic roommate wife. He wanted more and she was never going to change. She's a narsicist and too self absorbed to understand their relationship is broken. She was blindsided by the initiation of the divorce, but shouldn't have been since they hadn't had sex in years. She still has no idea about the affair.

My situation is much different. H is verbally abusive and has untreated depression. We haven't had sex bc he is depressed and I don't want to have sex with someone that treats me like sh1t. He yells profanities at me, throws things at me, and spits on me in front of our children. If my kids see me in a healthy, loving relationship with soneone who loves and respects me, it will be for the better. Sexless marriage is only one reason I'm divorcing H.

Thanks for answering...my marriage is like your AP’s and with young kids, hard to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly.

For the general edification of men out there, if a woman who is cheating with you says her husband or boyfriend treats her poorly, or isn't having sex with her, or whatever, she is totally lying to you. She is doing what she thinks she needs to do so that you'll be OK with cheating with her, and she is rationalizing it in her own mind so that she doesn't feel like a bad person herself. You may not give a damn, because hopefully you don't know the guy and never will, but the chances are excellent that he's a perfectly decent guy who is a good husband and father. But she is bored and wants some strange, so there she is on tinder or whatever...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

Sounds wonderful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly. The form an emotional bond with their AP and the sex flows from that. As a man, you end up hurting your AP because you can't give her what she wants, and potentially hurting your DW and family if you get caught.

My libido has slowed in my 40s and this low sex marriage sucks but is somewhat tolerable. It doesn't feel like a prison since I can find an AP if I want one. I assume my libido will continue to slow and we can ride off into old age together when neither of us wants it.

It would be much easier for you to line up and maintain APs if you simply informed DW the marriage is open. A low-interest wife has no legit grounds to object.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

Not all #1s are affairs. DW gave me a hall pass. We're much happier now we've opened our marriage.

At what age did you do this and does DW also partake with APs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
For men, my guess is 80%+ end up cheating.

We aren't sexless but 1x (sometimes 2x) per month of duty sex if I push for it (yes, I am DH). I chose option 1 in my 30s. Here's the thing, APs are super complicated. It's amazing in the moment of course. My experience, most women aren't having affairs primarily for sex. Their husbands treat them poorly.

For the general edification of men out there, if a woman who is cheating with you says her husband or boyfriend treats her poorly, or isn't having sex with her, or whatever, she may be totally lying to you. She is doing what she thinks she needs to do so that you'll be OK with cheating with her, and she is rationalizing it in her own mind so that she doesn't feel like a bad person herself. You may not give a damn, because hopefully you don't know the guy and never will, but the chances are excellent that he's a perfectly decent guy who is a good husband and father. But she is bored and wants some strange, so there she is on tinder or whatever...

Fixed that for you. H was throwing me into walls when I started my affair. AP gave me the strength to leave. I didn't leave sooner bc I had no selfworth after years of abuse and I was affraid STBXH would get some custody of the kids and turn his rage on them. You just go on thinking all men are victims and wives are cheating whores who will say anything to rope in the next guy.