Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

Probably depends if it's an enthusiastic, "she wants it" once a week or if it's her "letting him get some" once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

So your self worth is based on how often you have sex AND your degree. Got it. Oh, and you might have a Messiah complex. Please begin the healing.

I just gave some very important advice. Your self esteem is not connected to how much sex you have... if it does, it's maladaptive.

If your spouse does not have sex with you and you say "what is wrong with me" instead of "what is going on with my spouse" ... it's maladaptive.

Sorry if your spouses actions control your self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

I think that's a gross oversimplification that ignores the deeply personal nature of the rejection between married couples. There are literally billions of women in the world who don't want to have sex with me. And while I'd love to have some of the attributes that might change that, fame, great wealth, six-pack abs, a magnetic personality, or whatever, ... , I don't feel devalued or less worthy in any way because of their opinion of my ****ability. Except for the woman that married me.

This is the person that knows you best communicating to you that some fault or defect in your character or behavior is so egregious that he or she is now so indifferent to you that he or she no longer wishes to connect in the way you once did. To be clear, I'm talking about a decrease in frequency or even enthusiasm due to age or stress or exhaustion because of different circumstances. I think most pursuing partners recognize that and have no illusions that sex will be unchanged from when they were dating. I'm talking about when one partner is essentially drawing his or her line in the sand and refusing to even consider any changes at all.

I understand that in this situation the pursuing partner needs to try to work on his or her own self-worth. To make changes for his or her own sakes. But I think its deeply naive to ignore how difficult that project is when in a relationship with that dynamic. In most situations where one partner is engaging in behavior that makes the other partner feel crappy, the advice is two-fold. Recognize your self-worth, yes. But also, leave the dysfunctional and/or abusive relationship. This situation is pretty unique in my experience in being one where many, many people (including professionals in the field) counsel to recognize your self-worth and then expect the dysfunction to resolve itself organically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

*who are suicidal. I hope you had a good editor for your doctoral thesis.

[Anonymous]

"Exist in a zen state where you don't care about cruel treatment from someone you love" is not useful advice. Yes, in some theoretical sense one can choose to ignore anything but most people are hurt by persistent rejection from their spouses.


"Help, I hate my job because my boss screams at me all the time."
"You are a weak person who is unduly affected by the anger of others."

"Help, I got punched in the face by a mugger"
"Pain is immaterial. You are a slave to physical sensation"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No a psychologist who gets laid 3x per week.

You seem impressed by that number. Hope your frequency isn’t tied to your self worth. You should work on that.

Funny you think my self esteem is wrapped around the #3 instead of the fact that I have a PhD and help people that are suicidal.

Very telling

So your self worth is based on how often you have sex AND your degree. Got it. Oh, and you might have a Messiah complex. Please begin the healing.

I just gave some very important advice. Your self esteem is not connected to how much sex you have... if it does, it's maladaptive.

If your spouse does not have sex with you and you say "what is wrong with me" instead of "what is going on with my spouse" ... it's maladaptive.

Sorry if your spouses actions control your self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

That is clearly NOT the point of any of the previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

That is clearly NOT the point of any of the previous posts.

No, you don't get it. Men like the chase, if you give it to them too easily or appear willing, they find fault with it. As a high libido woman, I can easily tell the men and women that play those games.

Rock on with your begging and pleading until you retire. Fork over your pensions, and penises. If sex where important to you, you would do something about it other than begging, pleading and writing posts on DCUM.

If only she would have sex with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

That is clearly NOT the point of any of the previous posts.

No, you don't get it. Men like the chase, if you give it to them too easily or appear willing, they find fault with it. As a high libido woman, I can easily tell the men and women that play those games.

Rock on with your begging and pleading until you retire. Fork over your pensions, and penises. If sex where important to you, you would do something about it other than begging, pleading and writing posts on DCUM.

If only she would have sex with me.

Not true in general, and especially when we're married to them.

Are you saying we should cheat instead of trying to get our wives to do it? Are you offering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

That is clearly NOT the point of any of the previous posts.

No, you don't get it. Men like the chase, if you give it to them too easily or appear willing, they find fault with it. As a high libido woman, I can easily tell the men and women that play those games.

Rock on with your begging and pleading until you retire. Fork over your pensions, and penises. If sex where important to you, you would do something about it other than begging, pleading and writing posts on DCUM.

If only she would have sex with me.

Not true in general, and especially when we're married to them.

Are you saying we should cheat instead of trying to get our wives to do it? Are you offering?

You need to divorce them, and reclaim your testicles. If you are young enough, you have something to offer the next woman other than your deprived manhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

This is what we call bait and switch as it is also likely that the same wife told her BF/DH that she had a high drive when in fact, she said this just keep him on the leash.

DP here. This. It would be one thing if my DW had a lower libido when we were dating, in which case, I should have known better. But when I think about dating and newlywed DW and present day DW (17 years later), and it's like two completely separate people. Yeah, I get it, people change, life happens, kids happen. But don't tell me she just has a lower libido and I married her that way so I should just suck it up, because I know better.

The point is, men will view women with high libidos negatively. I know, I have one. I just chuckle under my breath now.

That is clearly NOT the point of any of the previous posts.

No, you don't get it. Men like the chase, if you give it to them too easily or appear willing, they find fault with it. As a high libido woman, I can easily tell the men and women that play those games.

Rock on with your begging and pleading until you retire. Fork over your pensions, and penises. If sex where important to you, you would do something about it other than begging, pleading and writing posts on DCUM.

If only she would have sex with me.

Not true in general, and especially when we're married to them.

Are you saying we should cheat instead of trying to get our wives to do it? Are you offering?

You need to divorce them, and reclaim your testicles. If you are young enough, you have something to offer the next woman other than your deprived manhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like most of the men in here are complaining about "once a week" duty sex.

Has it ever occurred to you that that's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants and that it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido.

That's the amount of sex your wife genuinely wants with you and it's not duty sex, it's just a lower libido with you.

FIFY.

With someone else, she would genuinely want crazy monkey sex and there'd be none of that low libido nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your issue is that you use amount of sex to determine your self worth. You were socialized to think that the amount of sex you have determines your self worth.

This is not healthy, it's maladaptive.

You need to learn to disconnect the two.

I think that's a gross oversimplification that ignores the deeply personal nature of the rejection between married couples. There are literally billions of women in the world who don't want to have sex with me. And while I'd love to have some of the attributes that might change that, fame, great wealth, six-pack abs, a magnetic personality, or whatever, ... , I don't feel devalued or less worthy in any way because of their opinion of my ****ability. Except for the woman that married me.

This is the person that knows you best communicating to you that some fault or defect in your character or behavior is so egregious that he or she is now so indifferent to you that he or she no longer wishes to connect in the way you once did. To be clear, I'm talking about a decrease in frequency or even enthusiasm due to age or stress or exhaustion because of different circumstances. I think most pursuing partners recognize that and have no illusions that sex will be unchanged from when they were dating. I'm talking about when one partner is essentially drawing his or her line in the sand and refusing to even consider any changes at all.

I understand that in this situation the pursuing partner needs to try to work on his or her own self-worth. To make changes for his or her own sakes. But I think its deeply naive to ignore how difficult that project is when in a relationship with that dynamic. In most situations where one partner is engaging in behavior that makes the other partner feel crappy, the advice is two-fold. Recognize your self-worth, yes. But also, leave the dysfunctional and/or abusive relationship. This situation is pretty unique in my experience in being one where many, many people (including professionals in the field) counsel to recognize your self-worth and then expect the dysfunction to resolve itself organically.

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems. That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't <fill in the blank>" you are being abused.