Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that the responses from folks regarding this issue and how to deal with this (sad) issue lands in one (or more?) of these buckets:

1) look for it elsewhere (AP). This further branches out - some just do it to maintain their sanity and stay committed to the marriage and some do it, develop an emotional attachment to the AP and end up leaving the marriage
2) Masturbation
3) Don't do anything about it and are able to suppress any desire or urge

Is that pretty much the list?

What do you think the % breakdown is?

Some personal reflections on how you deal with it would be appreciated (and how long have you been dealing with it)?

[Anonymous]

Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

[Anonymous]

#2 has helped me deal with #3 but if it goes on much longer #1 is on the horizon.

[Anonymous]

The usual three answers are: divorce, cheat, suck it up.

I guess divorce is another version of your #1 - look elsewhere.

I thought I could deal with it via masturbation and suppressing the urge but after two years, I realized I just can't live like this any more. So, divorce is in the works.

[Anonymous]

The trouble is you've bought into the fairytale of happy marriage for life. The fact is people change and evolve. There are reasons to stay married that don't include sex. If the marriage is giving you things you need - like stability or comfort - but not the sex, then go get the sex. It's not that hard a concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

Yeah, you're spot on here. Often I see where there is no sex and one party is usually "fine" with it because either they are detached from sex somehow (I know there are women out there who don't need a lot of it) and are willing to ride out the marriage like this. Makes it harder for the spouse, who sees sex as an important form of intimacy during a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

NP here - I found out or at least got suspicious because my DH seemed in a much better mood and stopped complaining about the almost lack of sex. It took about six months for a light bulb to go on in my head and it didn't take much effort on my part to figure out what is going on. He doesn't know that I know but somehow we are both happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

My instincts were going over time and I could just tell something was up, so I did some snooping and found she had emails with him. I figured out how to review phone text message statement and it showed tons of communications. I confronted her, there were the initial denials, etc. The rest is for another thread! Good luck, five years later, I am re-coupled and life is good! "It gets better."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you have it about right.

In my experience, sexless marriages where it is not mutual (and that certainly happens), or if it is not caused by medical issues (and the left in the cold partner is actually being a decent person and taking care of their ill spouse) the marriage usually ends. It is not, and cannot be, a permanent end state.

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

I often wonder if this is what's going on with my DW. How did you find out?

NP here - I found out or at least got suspicious because my DH seemed in a much better mood and stopped complaining about the almost lack of sex. It took about six months for a light bulb to go on in my head and it didn't take much effort on my part to figure out what is going on. He doesn't know that I know but somehow we are both happier.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. So you are able/willing to live with your DH getting sex elsewhere as long as it doesn't rock the boat at home? Do you have no interest in him physically or desire to be with him intimately? what if he gets emotionally attached to the AP?

[Anonymous]

W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

[Anonymous]

The reduced enthusiasm for sex in my marriage coincided with her emotional and then physical affair with a colleague. It is clear she lost the attraction to me first after ten years of marriage and kids, etc., then rekindled her sexual feelings for someone else.

I believe it is usually something like this that is happening.

Yup this is exactly what happened with my DW.

Remember: he or she is never really "asexual" or "low libido". They are asexual with you or low libido with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

Shame about the kids whose lives get devastated because mommy decided life was short and sex was her number on life priority, but oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

Shame about the kids whose lives get devastated because mommy decided life was short and sex was her number on life priority, but oh well.

PP gives no indication here as to if she has kids or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:W here and I did option 1, with the spinoff of falling in love with AP. I'm filing for divorce and so is AP. He couldn't last in his sexless marriage either. Life is too short to spend it with someone with such drastically different life priorities. It wasn't just the lack of sex, it was lack of companionship and feeling loved. We're both so much happier and very excited for our future.

Do you have kids and if so, how old?

I’m in the same boat, chose option 1 but haven’t taken the leap to actually leave. If I didn’t have young kids, I’d be gone and marry AP.