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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a loser because my boss yells all the time, he must hate me and I must not be good at my job.  - maladaptive
I am looking for another job because my boss yells all the time and I deserve better. - healthy

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My spouse and I don't have sex anymore it make me feel unloved and depressed and I have not self worth. - maladaptive
My spouse and I don't have sex anymore, she says I'm ugly and fat, she has some real issues she needs to deal with I will help her find the help if she refuses I will need to start the process of leaving this abusive relationship. - healthy

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In these examples, you cast an easy villain and set up a false choice between self-abasement and a reality that completely absolves you of the blame.  Life is rarely so simple.

"My boss is frustrated at me because I have some challenges at work, that I am trying to address (but, however, imperfectly)."

"My spouse and I don't have sex anymore because something has happened that has made the activity particularly disagreeable  and I'm left with the choice between causing my partner great emotional pain, enduring it myself without somehow letting it fester into resentment, or conceding defeat and giving up on the one thing in my life I value most with no guarantee it won't severely traumatize my children."

Maybe counseling helps.  In my experience, it certainly doesn't hurt.  Both sides probably have a bunch of thought distortions going on   "She thinks I'm worthless!"  "He only values me as a piece of meat!"  But there are also legitimate injuries on both sides that may or may not be able to be healed.  It's a crappy situation to be in, for both partners.  But one that inevitably devolves in discussions into both sides retreating into their corners (unfortunately in a gendered way) where you have one side advising to leave the refusing harpy and one side suggesting it's just a case of a bunch of ridiculous man-children who have never considered if they are failing to meet their wives' needs.  I can only say that in my own experience, yeah, I've considered that.  It's a harsh truth to face.

I understand that many therapists would say the problem is that I'm not differentiated from my spouse.  That my spouse's opinion means too much to me.  That I'm not gentle enough with myself.  That may be objectively right in the same way that saying that losing weight is a matter of burning more calories than you consume is objectively right.  In both cases, the statement ignores just how challenging doing those things can be in certain environments.

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