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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

If your spouse is saying your faults as their reason for not having sex they are also maladaptive and need counseling. If you believe that it is your fault that your spouse does not want sex you have issue and individual counseling can help you.

Your problem is not that you are not having sex your problem is that your spouse is blaming you for their problems.  That is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship if you spouse says "Im not having sex until you fix A, B and C."

It's not abusive if you spouse says, "I can't have sex because I have cancer and my body doesn't work right now" or "I have depression and I have flashbacks to my childhood abuse" .... but if you spouse says "you are too fat" "You don't make enough money" "you don't &lt;fill in the blank&gt;" you are being abused. [/quote]

Let's concede that in many cases the refusing spouse isn't coming out and saying "this is because of x, y, and z."  They might say that they've lost a connection to you.  Or they might cite ways in which something related to x, y, and z has caused additional stress and responsibilities. And then, eventually, the very fact that there is an issue regarding sex becomes its own obstacle.  Or maybe your spouse can't articulate a reason at all.  I'm not sure the reason matters (ok, maybe health reasons matter), what you know is that there has to be some reason that has changed.  And even if that reason is stress or past trauma, the change, at the very least, illustrates that where you used to be a safe harbor your spouse could turn to despite those issues, now you're not.  I know how many therapy protocols would treat that thought, but I don't think it's a thought distortion.  Unfortunately, it appears to be a very uncomfortable truth that is hard to not take personally.

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