Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

Who are you taking to? I'm the PP who told you it's been explained several times, but I'm not the PP who posted the long post above. Either way, you really don't know what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

This thread just makes me feel better about my broken relationship with my mother but in my case we mutually keep our distance. Sad but much better space and peace than constant drama and aggravation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

Who are you taking to? I'm the PP who told you it's been explained several times, but I'm not the PP who posted the long post above. Either way, you really don't know what you're talking about.

I am talking about the pp whose parents abused her by not allowing her to get pregnant and to use rude language. I don't see how these are abuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

Who are you taking to? I'm the PP who told you it's been explained several times, but I'm not the PP who posted the long post above. Either way, you really don't know what you're talking about.

I am talking about the pp whose parents abused her by not allowing her to get pregnant and to use rude language. I don't see how these are abuses.

You don't think things like telling a teenager how to style her hair, what clothes she has to wear, and to never voice opinions that aren't in agreement with her parents are controlling behaviors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

Who are you taking to? I'm the PP who told you it's been explained several times, but I'm not the PP who posted the long post above. Either way, you really don't know what you're talking about.

I am talking about the pp whose parents abused her by not allowing her to get pregnant and to use rude language. I don't see how these are abuses.

You don't think things like telling a teenager how to style her hair, what clothes she has to wear, and to never voice opinions that aren't in agreement with her parents are controlling behaviors?

I think there are two sides of every story. Yes, I agree that those could be controlling behaviors, but depending on how they are enforced, controlling doesn't have to mean abusing. Disagreements about clothing, hair style, opinions have always been a trademark of generation gap and teens voicing their opinions is a trademark of growing up and showing independance. I tell my kids what to wear and they sure disagree with me and sometimes I enforce my decision, sometimes I agree with their choice. PP didn't actually present any real abuse, often parents are right about bad clothing and hair choices. What I find very disturbing is pp's presenting her case of her parents not allowing her to get pregnant as abuse. I mean, how is that possibly wrong of her parents? Should they encourage her to get pregnant as a teen?

[Anonymous]

think there are two sides of every story. Yes, I agree that those could be controlling behaviors, but depending on how they are enforced, controlling doesn't have to mean abusing. Disagreements about clothing, hair style, opinions have always been a trademark of generation gap and teens voicing their opinions is a trademark of growing up and showing independance. I tell my kids what to wear and they sure disagree with me and sometimes I enforce my decision, sometimes I agree with their choice. PP didn't actually present any real abuse, often parents are right about bad clothing and hair choices. What I find very disturbing is pp's presenting her case of her parents not allowing her to get pregnant as abuse. I mean, how is that possibly wrong of her parents? Should they encourage her to get pregnant as a teen?

I took the not getting pregnant part to show that she was a "good girl" rather than an example of abuse from her parents. As in, she followed their orders and they heaped on more. She didn't get pregnant, and they didn't allow her to date anyway. She didn't date, but they still enforced conservative clothing choices. She followed their clothing rules and they insisted on certain hair choices on top of controlling her clothes. She followed all those rules and they insisted she do it without complaining. So she didn't complain, and when she got out from under their thumb, she realized there were other options for her in the great big world. When she stopped doing exactly what they demanded of her adult self, they called her ungreatful and other names, because she stopped being compliant and bowing down to their wishes.

I totally didn't read that as, "boohoo, my parents wouldn't let me be a teen mom. They're so abusive." Funny how we read the same thing and came to such different conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

think there are two sides of every story. Yes, I agree that those could be controlling behaviors, but depending on how they are enforced, controlling doesn't have to mean abusing. Disagreements about clothing, hair style, opinions have always been a trademark of generation gap and teens voicing their opinions is a trademark of growing up and showing independance. I tell my kids what to wear and they sure disagree with me and sometimes I enforce my decision, sometimes I agree with their choice. PP didn't actually present any real abuse, often parents are right about bad clothing and hair choices. What I find very disturbing is pp's presenting her case of her parents not allowing her to get pregnant as abuse. I mean, how is that possibly wrong of her parents? Should they encourage her to get pregnant as a teen?

I took the not getting pregnant part to show that she was a "good girl" rather than an example of abuse from her parents. As in, she followed their orders and they heaped on more. She didn't get pregnant, and they didn't allow her to date anyway. She didn't date, but they still enforced conservative clothing choices. She followed their clothing rules and they insisted on certain hair choices on top of controlling her clothes. She followed all those rules and they insisted she do it without complaining. So she didn't complain, and when she got out from under their thumb, she realized there were other options for her in the great big world. When she stopped doing exactly what they demanded of her adult self, they called her ungreatful and other names, because she stopped being compliant and bowing down to their wishes.

I totally didn't read that as, "boohoo, my parents wouldn't let me be a teen mom. They're so abusive." Funny how we read the same thing and came to such different conclusions.

You are right. We got two totally different things from pp's post. I don't know which one is right. It might be that I am older and you are younger and there is a different perspective on how parents acted in different decades and what I am used to as opposed to what other people are used to. Might be cultural differences. I never objected to similar rules by my parents, they were the norm for not just me, but all my friends. Doesn't mean we didn't object to other things and went out to party, etc. I have a friend who never opposed her parents in anything, she is still living at home in her 40s taking care of her parents. There comes a time when we realize that our parents are regular people who tried their best, but are not perfect and they made mistakes. Then we decide if we can accept those mistakes and how grave they were, and then we hope our own children will be able to do the same, since all this judgement is coming our way someday very soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

think there are two sides of every story. Yes, I agree that those could be controlling behaviors, but depending on how they are enforced, controlling doesn't have to mean abusing. Disagreements about clothing, hair style, opinions have always been a trademark of generation gap and teens voicing their opinions is a trademark of growing up and showing independance. I tell my kids what to wear and they sure disagree with me and sometimes I enforce my decision, sometimes I agree with their choice. PP didn't actually present any real abuse, often parents are right about bad clothing and hair choices. What I find very disturbing is pp's presenting her case of her parents not allowing her to get pregnant as abuse. I mean, how is that possibly wrong of her parents? Should they encourage her to get pregnant as a teen?

I took the not getting pregnant part to show that she was a "good girl" rather than an example of abuse from her parents. As in, she followed their orders and they heaped on more. She didn't get pregnant, and they didn't allow her to date anyway. She didn't date, but they still enforced conservative clothing choices. She followed their clothing rules and they insisted on certain hair choices on top of controlling her clothes. She followed all those rules and they insisted she do it without complaining. So she didn't complain, and when she got out from under their thumb, she realized there were other options for her in the great big world. When she stopped doing exactly what they demanded of her adult self, they called her ungreatful and other names, because she stopped being compliant and bowing down to their wishes.

I totally didn't read that as, "boohoo, my parents wouldn't let me be a teen mom. They're so abusive." Funny how we read the same thing and came to such different conclusions.

You are right. We got two totally different things from pp's post. I don't know which one is right. It might be that I am older and you are younger and there is a different perspective on how parents acted in different decades and what I am used to as opposed to what other people are used to. Might be cultural differences. I never objected to similar rules by my parents, they were the norm for not just me, but all my friends. Doesn't mean we didn't object to other things and went out to party, etc. I have a friend who never opposed her parents in anything, she is still living at home in her 40s taking care of her parents. There comes a time when we realize that our parents are regular people who tried their best, but are not perfect and they made mistakes. Then we decide if we can accept those mistakes and how grave they were, and then we hope our own children will be able to do the same, since all this judgement is coming our way someday very soon.

In the account you're discussing now, it's not just about parents who made mistakes while their kids were growing up, were too strict or whatever, we're talking about parents who continue to engage in a battle to control their child by insulting and demeaning her solely because she's not living her life in exactly their preferred way, even though it sounds like PP is doing just fine. It's one thing to forgive a parent who did these things while you were growing up and later came to a realization that it wasn't a good way to treat their child and everyone comes to have a healthy relationship later (which is what's happened between me and my mother, who was extremely controlling through my 20s but has since come around), it's something entirely different when the only options with your parents are total submission or verbal abuse. There is nothing healthy about not setting boundaries with the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

think there are two sides of every story. Yes, I agree that those could be controlling behaviors, but depending on how they are enforced, controlling doesn't have to mean abusing. Disagreements about clothing, hair style, opinions have always been a trademark of generation gap and teens voicing their opinions is a trademark of growing up and showing independance. I tell my kids what to wear and they sure disagree with me and sometimes I enforce my decision, sometimes I agree with their choice. PP didn't actually present any real abuse, often parents are right about bad clothing and hair choices. What I find very disturbing is pp's presenting her case of her parents not allowing her to get pregnant as abuse. I mean, how is that possibly wrong of her parents? Should they encourage her to get pregnant as a teen?

I took the not getting pregnant part to show that she was a "good girl" rather than an example of abuse from her parents. As in, she followed their orders and they heaped on more. She didn't get pregnant, and they didn't allow her to date anyway. She didn't date, but they still enforced conservative clothing choices. She followed their clothing rules and they insisted on certain hair choices on top of controlling her clothes. She followed all those rules and they insisted she do it without complaining. So she didn't complain, and when she got out from under their thumb, she realized there were other options for her in the great big world. When she stopped doing exactly what they demanded of her adult self, they called her ungreatful and other names, because she stopped being compliant and bowing down to their wishes.

I totally didn't read that as, "boohoo, my parents wouldn't let me be a teen mom. They're so abusive." Funny how we read the same thing and came to such different conclusions.

You are right. We got two totally different things from pp's post. I don't know which one is right. It might be that I am older and you are younger and there is a different perspective on how parents acted in different decades and what I am used to as opposed to what other people are used to. Might be cultural differences. I never objected to similar rules by my parents, they were the norm for not just me, but all my friends. Doesn't mean we didn't object to other things and went out to party, etc. I have a friend who never opposed her parents in anything, she is still living at home in her 40s taking care of her parents. There comes a time when we realize that our parents are regular people who tried their best, but are not perfect and they made mistakes. Then we decide if we can accept those mistakes and how grave they were, and then we hope our own children will be able to do the same, since all this judgement is coming our way someday very soon.

In the account you're discussing now, it's not just about parents who made mistakes while their kids were growing up, were too strict or whatever, we're talking about parents who continue to engage in a battle to control their child by insulting and demeaning her solely because she's not living her life in exactly their preferred way, even though it sounds like PP is doing just fine. It's one thing to forgive a parent who did these things while you were growing up and later came to a realization that it wasn't a good way to treat their child and everyone comes to have a healthy relationship later (which is what's happened between me and my mother, who was extremely controlling through my 20s but has since come around), it's something entirely different when the only options with your parents are total submission or verbal abuse. There is nothing healthy about not setting boundaries with the latter.

And don't forget withholding love when you don't do whatever your parents think you should. That's classic abuse. In my case, I'm much like the OP in that I was a good kid, did all the "right" things, have made a good life for myself, have great kids, etc., etc. and still if I don't do what my mother believes I should, she tries to control me and/or cuts me off. If you don't think that's abusive, then I can't help you.

[Anonymous]

I agree there are many ways to abuse, and it is not a competition on who had it worse. Example of abuse in my case, is my mother slamming her hand on the kitchen counter while holding a sharp knife blade up and yelling at me and my DD that she will do whatever it takes to make my DD into a decent girl. (DD is a nice girl but occasionally talks back) and then accusing us of abusing her, while she is visiting. You can imagine how fun was that visit. Then going on saying how knife thing was nothing. I guess my perspective is a little different as I grew up with emotional and physical abuse and still face it, but now once a year when she comes to visit and even then I try to avoid her as much as possible. Her visits are a form of abuse too, to be honest. Abuse extends only to me and now my DD, and not to my sister or my husband or my son, or her other son in law. Abuse is not towards my Dad either who was abusive to her, and I protected her yet even for that she blames me. Son is the reason I allow the visits as he loves grandma and she him. So, for me mom cutting me off would be a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree there are many ways to abuse, and it is not a competition on who had it worse. Example of abuse in my case, is my mother slamming her hand on the kitchen counter while holding a sharp knife blade up and yelling at me and my DD that she will do whatever it takes to make my DD into a decent girl. (DD is a nice girl but occasionally talks back) and then accusing us of abusing her, while she is visiting. You can imagine how fun was that visit. Then going on saying how knife thing was nothing. I guess my perspective is a little different as I grew up with emotional and physical abuse and still face it, but now once a year when she comes to visit and even then I try to avoid her as much as possible. Her visits are a form of abuse too, to be honest. Abuse extends only to me and now my DD, and not to my sister or my husband or my son, or her other son in law. Abuse is not towards my Dad either who was abusive to her, and I protected her yet even for that she blames me. Son is the reason I allow the visits as he loves grandma and she him. So, for me mom cutting me off would be a blessing.

You need to protect your DD more than you need to let your son see your abusive mother. She'll turn on him too if he pisses her off in just the right way. But seriously, even if you don't care enough to protect yourself, protect your DD. Exposing her to abuse is a form of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree there are many ways to abuse, and it is not a competition on who had it worse. Example of abuse in my case, is my mother slamming her hand on the kitchen counter while holding a sharp knife blade up and yelling at me and my DD that she will do whatever it takes to make my DD into a decent girl. (DD is a nice girl but occasionally talks back) and then accusing us of abusing her, while she is visiting. You can imagine how fun was that visit. Then going on saying how knife thing was nothing. I guess my perspective is a little different as I grew up with emotional and physical abuse and still face it, but now once a year when she comes to visit and even then I try to avoid her as much as possible. Her visits are a form of abuse too, to be honest. Abuse extends only to me and now my DD, and not to my sister or my husband or my son, or her other son in law. Abuse is not towards my Dad either who was abusive to her, and I protected her yet even for that she blames me. Son is the reason I allow the visits as he loves grandma and she him. So, for me mom cutting me off would be a blessing.

You need to protect your DD more than you need to let your son see your abusive mother. She'll turn on him too if he pisses her off in just the right way. But seriously, even if you don't care enough to protect yourself, protect your DD. Exposing her to abuse is a form of abuse.

You are right, of course. It is a hard decision, as cutting her off, would also mean cutting the rest of my family, my sister whom I love and who loves my kids and is the nicest aunt in the world. They live together as my sister and BIL help take care of my mom and dad, when needed. They have a huge house and separate apartments in it, but it would still be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

I have --I did not state things as clearly as I thought. You can try to be "the perfect" child, but you can never be perfect enough.

I pointed out that I did absolutely everything my parents told me to do, to please them. And, I did not cause problems or create a crisis for them to clean up (which was really my unclear point about pregnancy)--I did not take drugs to rebel, I did not get pregnant to rebel, etc... I dressed exactly as they wanted, I did exactly as they wanted because I wanted love-- and the fussing and yelling and insisting were more than I could bear. And, yes, they insisted on things somewhat like the original PP was talking about--things as stupid and minor as just ordering take out for them because your parent insists that YOU and absolutely YOU are the only person who can order this takeout. And you have to order it when they want it and how they want it.

My point was/is: my parents assumed they had complete and total control of me through the rest of their lives, because they gave birth to me. No amount of good behaviour or agreeing with them was good enough, unless I did exactly what they said til they died. I had to vote for who they wanted in office (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), I "had to" live at home until I got married (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), I "had to" marry someone they approved of (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), and so on and so on. This is not normal parenting, not in the US.

Not only could I not fight or voice opinions different from my parents--I had to do it for so long that by the time I was a teenager, I no longer had any opinions of my own. My feelings had to match theirs, from birth. I have been in therapy for years with severe panic and anxiety problems--believe or not, if you never learn how to be angry as a child, or have your own opinions, it has serious ramifications. I am an adult doing what I want now: married the man I wanted to marry, live where I want to live, and have a successful career. I only see my parents a couple times a year, and try to help them with their health problems because I do love them--and I want to use what I have learned to spread love and caring into the world, not control and hate and misery. They are miserable visits for me, but I get over it and go on. It won't last forever.

The only reason I have posted is I have been really disturbed that so many people are attacking OP for venting about her interaction with her mom, and I want to let you know that it's potentially not just this one small interaction, it's a lifetime of control. As OP hints at in her post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

You sound like you are really mad at someone in your life for not doing exactly what you want, PP.

I'm one of the "brat" PP's and I was never ever allowed to fight or be angry with my mother or my family. I had to do what I was told and not ever talk back, and I did--until I moved out in my 20s. I made all A's as I was told to do, I did not date, I did not do drugs, I did not get pregnant, I wore the clothes I was told to wear, I did my hair the way they wanted me to, I said what they wanted me to say when they told me to say it. I went to the college they told me to go to. (And, yes, I am a white American, no different cultures here.) Once I graduated and my parents were no longer footing the bill, I immediately got a job, left home and proceeded to live life exactly the way I wanted to-which made my parents furious.

I am happily married for 20+ years, have a graduate degree, have friends, have a successful career, have been self-supporting since I was 22, and earn enough to live in the DC area. However, I am told I am ungrateful and unsuccessful by my family still--even after helping my parents through medical crisis after medical crisis.

And this is same with ordering take out disagreement--how?

It's been explained in this thread more than once.

So let me get the offenses of your parents. You were not allowed to fight with your parents? Clearly you could be angry at them, but inside, since they can't forbid inner feelings? You did what you were told, such as wear decent clothes, not get pregnant, and do your hair a certain way? They paid for your clothes, right? You went to college they told you to? It sounds like they paid for college? So apart from being strict in clothing and rude language and not allowing you to get pregnant, what other abuses are we looking at? Now, as an adult you say they are unhappy with your choices, and you contradict yourself by saying that you no longer take their abuses, in fact you are allowing them these "abuses" and helping them? And I am not the one doing what I want? You really need to reread your own post.

I have --I did not state things as clearly as I thought. You can try to be "the perfect" child, but you can never be perfect enough.

I pointed out that I did absolutely everything my parents told me to do, to please them. And, I did not cause problems or create a crisis for them to clean up (which was really my unclear point about pregnancy)--I did not take drugs to rebel, I did not get pregnant to rebel, etc... I dressed exactly as they wanted, I did exactly as they wanted because I wanted love-- and the fussing and yelling and insisting were more than I could bear. And, yes, they insisted on things somewhat like the original PP was talking about--things as stupid and minor as just ordering take out for them because your parent insists that YOU and absolutely YOU are the only person who can order this takeout. And you have to order it when they want it and how they want it.

My point was/is: my parents assumed they had complete and total control of me through the rest of their lives, because they gave birth to me. No amount of good behaviour or agreeing with them was good enough, unless I did exactly what they said til they died. I had to vote for who they wanted in office (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), I "had to" live at home until I got married (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), I "had to" marry someone they approved of (or they threatened not to speak to me ever again), and so on and so on. This is not normal parenting, not in the US.

Not only could I not fight or voice opinions different from my parents--I had to do it for so long that by the time I was a teenager, I no longer had any opinions of my own. My feelings had to match theirs, from birth. I have been in therapy for years with severe panic and anxiety problems--believe or not, if you never learn how to be angry as a child, or have your own opinions, it has serious ramifications. I am an adult doing what I want now: married the man I wanted to marry, live where I want to live, and have a successful career. I only see my parents a couple times a year, and try to help them with their health problems because I do love them--and I want to use what I have learned to spread love and caring into the world, not control and hate and misery. They are miserable visits for me, but I get over it and go on. It won't last forever.

The only reason I have posted is I have been really disturbed that so many people are attacking OP for venting about her interaction with her mom, and I want to let you know that it's potentially not just this one small interaction, it's a lifetime of control. As OP hints at in her post.

I apologize if I misunderstood your post. When you write it like this, it is clear your parents caused great damage to you and your self esteem and I hope you are now at peace realizing that it is them who have the problem and not you. Best of luck! Unlike your parents, I hope you see that I(and many other people) can admit when we are wrong and apologize.