Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order

[Anonymous]

And, unless you call your Mom on it once in a while and let it escalate, she will do this for the rest of her life. As I know. From experience.

I found a really helpful therapist too late to really help me learnd how to react to the situation effectively. Just remember my first therapist saying..."Larla, you know your family is not normal, right?" I was just confused, I though all this irrational behavior was completely normal...

[Anonymous]

OP, I want you to know, I'm visiting my mom who sounds similar to yours, and last night she had too much wine and had a major, screaming outburst. I don't want to get into details, but it was same old, same old for me.

I thought of you and it made me feel a bit better that someone else was in the same ridiculous situation.

Sending you good vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, unless you have a mother who wants to exert control over you any way she can, you don't understand.

One of my last memories of my mom is her fussing at me because I did not follow her incorrect directions to the nursing home--"you never listen to me, everything would be fine if you did everything the way I tell you to." I gave up and went the way she wanted, just to placate her, and then she got mad at me because it was the wrong way. Sigh. She did not have dementia, she was just like this with me most of my life.

OP, bet your Mom had some weird, only-making-sense-to-her reason ONLY you could place the call. Once you refused to be controlled and she couldn't bribe you into it, she probably realized it made no sense and now doens't want to talk about it.

+1

When my boys were small I had gotten their Christmas pictures taken and my mother insisted that I had parted their hair on the "wrong side." She insisted that there was a universal "right side" on which boys were to have their hair parted and I had screwed up the pictures because I didn't "get it right."

Another time, she picked me up from college for what was supposed to be a shopping date for the two of us. When she saw I wasn't wearing makeup for the outing, she told me she wasn't taking me and left.

This is the kind of shit that sounds small in isolation, but over time, adds up to a mental game that requires the child to draw very bright lines.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had OP's problems, including having her mom. Much ado about nothing.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but no you don't. It sounds like OP just snapped after a lifetime of such weird irrational demands.

Whenever I did not do what my Mom wanted me to do she would call many of our relatives and church friends and complain about what a bad daughter I was. Then, I would go home and find no one was speaking to me. Lost a lot of friends that way and my relatives started refusing to speak to me for a while as well.

My crimes: gaining weight, not wearing the clothes she thought I should wear (blazers, I wore regular tailored shirts instead), moving a few hours away to find a professional job, not dyeing my hair blonde, living on my own, finding a really nice christian husband who was not a lawyer or model-good looking. The list goes on. If it was not what she wanted, it was not right.

It isn't as bad as people I knew who were impoverished, or had their parents physically abuse them, or who were neglected. Even so, it has left me with a several anxiety problem and a hard time figuring out what I actually want to do, since I expect to be lamblasted for all choices I make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.

+1. This is true for my DH, too. Easier to just order myself.

Don't project your incompetent husbands onto other people. OP has said hers was capable of doing this elementary school task.

Wow, your husband must be counting his blessing each and every minute he spends with you. God help him if he does order something wrong. Clearly in your marriage, he is the Stepford wife! You are clearly miserable and abusive wife to your DH. Oh, wait, I bet you don't have a husband...anymore. Or you are a beard wife.

You are cuckoo. Your post implies that if someone has a spouse who is able to ORDER DINNER they're a miserable stepford gay man. I Guess your spouse isn't the only one who fails at life.

[Anonymous]

Mother:"How about you order Indian food, and I'll pay for it."
Daughter:"I don't feel like making the phone call, you do it."
Mother:" No, you call them or I won't pay for it."
Son in law:" I'll call and order."
Mother:" I wanted my daughter to do it, how hard can it be to pick up a phone?"
Daughter:" Well, I don't want to do it. We have so much left overs anyway."
It seems like mother and daughter deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anybody suggesting there is any abuse by mother towards daughter in this situation, is seriously insulting people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse. It is truly sad to see how how self centered and without any reference for real pain and suffering our society has become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but no you don't. It sounds like OP just snapped after a lifetime of such weird irrational demands.

Whenever I did not do what my Mom wanted me to do she would call many of our relatives and church friends and complain about what a bad daughter I was. Then, I would go home and find no one was speaking to me. Lost a lot of friends that way and my relatives started refusing to speak to me for a while as well.

My crimes: gaining weight, not wearing the clothes she thought I should wear (blazers, I wore regular tailored shirts instead), moving a few hours away to find a professional job, not dyeing my hair blonde, living on my own, finding a really nice christian husband who was not a lawyer or model-good looking. The list goes on. If it was not what she wanted, it was not right.

It isn't as bad as people I knew who were impoverished, or had their parents physically abuse them, or who were neglected. Even so, it has left me with a several anxiety problem and a hard time figuring out what I actually want to do, since I expect to be lamblasted for all choices I make.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I do find parents of adult children still do want to be able to order their kids to do something. Perhaps an unconscious attempt to prove their place in the order of things. Might be a need to do that as one ages and feels that spot slipping?
Could also be that she didn't want to bother DH due to outdated notions of either gender roles or greater value placed on a man's time.
Either way, she just didn't want to make call but then some weird stuff came into play. Sounds like control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anybody suggesting there is any abuse by mother towards daughter in this situation, is seriously insulting people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse. It is truly sad to see how how self centered and without any reference for real pain and suffering our society has become.

Go be insulted somewhere else; it's not a freaking competition. Just because some parents abuse their kids horrifically that doesn't mean that other parents don't also abuse their kids to a lesser degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother:"How about you order Indian food, and I'll pay for it."
Daughter:"I don't feel like making the phone call, you do it."
Mother:" No, you call them or I won't pay for it."
Son in law:" I'll call and order."
Mother:" I wanted my daughter to do it, how hard can it be to pick up a phone?"
Daughter:" Well, I don't want to do it. We have so much left overs anyway."
It seems like mother and daughter deserve each other.

Stop projecting your shit. Just because it may have happened that way at your house, doesn't mean it did at the OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anybody suggesting there is any abuse by mother towards daughter in this situation, is seriously insulting people who have experienced emotional and physical abuse. It is truly sad to see how how self centered and without any reference for real pain and suffering our society has become.

Go be insulted somewhere else; it's not a freaking competition. Just because some parents abuse their kids horrifically that doesn't mean that other parents don't also abuse their kids to a lesser degree.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and the majority of pps on this thread are self centered, entitled brats. You are the abusers and whiners beyond precedent. You have no perspective on life and value of family. You have never given a single thought about anybody else but yourself. You confuse random disagreement with abuse, you mistake occasional family fight with war. You have never shown respect to anybody but demand it for yourself. For the first time I agree with the poster who uses the term precious snowflake. You are all snotty snowflakes, drifting around thinking about imagined slights and abuses. You use poor language and have no real life education and experience. You value one thing and one thing only, yourselves.

I'm glad you came by and showed us the light. We can close the thread now.