Mother refused to order take out unless I called in the order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, good for you for standing up to her.

The people attacking you here have never had to deal with an abusive parent.

If she is abusive, you don't invite her into your home.

Period.

It must be nice to have a life that's so black and white. In this case, the mother is a good grandmother. Some of us who have abusive parents who are actually good grandparents try to find some balance so that we can maintain our sanity and boundaries while not depriving our children of grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guess what, honey? Your mommy paid for your dinner. You don't have a leg to stand on.

You want to play power games? You pay for dinner, like an adult.

Gee, you're a real peach. Unfortunately, you're a peach who either can't read or can't read with comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Op, can you please explain why you refused to order? I get that your mom was being totally weird, but I don't get why you dug in your heels. Do you have takeout order anxiety, too? Or were you just enjoying the power struggle? Or what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was afraid of mispronouncing the names of Indian food. Maybe she can't see very well to read the menu, or hear well enough to speak on the phone (especially to someone with an Indian accent).

But she didn't want op's dh to do the order either. That's the weird controlling bit.

Yup. This reminds me of my little one: "no daddy, I want MOMMY to wipe me." Strange controlling behavior for an adult. OP, I have a controlling father who pulls random crap like this and I get it - lots of people think this is an easy one to let slide, and it is in isolation, but sometimes you just hit your limit with this shit. I hope the leftovers were yummy

It wasn't till much later that I figured out that my mom did stuff like this because she was deeply anxious and was hiding it. On the surface, she just seemed controlling and annoying but now that I'm older and deal with my own anxiety I realize that what was driving it was the anxiety that she tried to conceal her whole life. I don't blame, OP, for drawing a line here, because it's hard to be around this behavior all the time. Even when people are trying to hide it, it still affects you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she was afraid of mispronouncing the names of Indian food. Maybe she can't see very well to read the menu, or hear well enough to speak on the phone (especially to someone with an Indian accent).

But she didn't want op's dh to do the order either. That's the weird controlling bit.

Yup. This reminds me of my little one: "no daddy, I want MOMMY to wipe me." Strange controlling behavior for an adult. OP, I have a controlling father who pulls random crap like this and I get it - lots of people think this is an easy one to let slide, and it is in isolation, but sometimes you just hit your limit with this shit. I hope the leftovers were yummy

It wasn't till much later that I figured out that my mom did stuff like this because she was deeply anxious and was hiding it. On the surface, she just seemed controlling and annoying but now that I'm older and deal with my own anxiety I realize that what was driving it was the anxiety that she tried to conceal her whole life. I don't blame, OP, for drawing a line here, because it's hard to be around this behavior all the time. Even when people are trying to hide it, it still affects you.

I'd be more willing to think this was a case of mom's anxiety if she hadn't insisted that the OP order rather than allowing the OP's DH order.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a family member like this. She's gotten better over the past few years but when he was a kid, she would call his (parents') house and have one of them (DH, his sister, his mom) call in a delivery or take-out order for her, even though she did not live with them. She just didn't like placing orders herself. I've heard her place take out orders herself in recent years and she's still very awkward about it.

Some people are just plain anxious about things like this. Strange to me but my mom can be like that too. She's almost comical to go through a drive-thru with. It's painful to watch.

[Anonymous]

Could be that the mom didnt want to burden the husband.

My mom is pretty anxious, which makes her needy at times. She would ask one of her children to help her out, but would not want to "burden" a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you please explain why you refused to order? I get that your mom was being totally weird, but I don't get why you dug in your heels. Do you have takeout order anxiety, too? Or were you just enjoying the power struggle? Or what?

OP here. I was tired and cranky. I had just walked into the house after a rough day, hadn't even set my stuff down when she told me to order the food. I told her she could order it. Her response was that if I didn't order it, she wasn't buying it. I said it looks like it's leftovers then. DH said he'd order it. She repeated that if I didn't order it, she wasn't buying.

A whole lot of baggage was contained in that brief interaction. Was I being a crank? Yes, I was. Did I dig in my heels? I sure did. I know it can be difficult to understand why I reacted the way I did if you haven't grown up with a controlling/manipulative parent. If I had to do it over again, I'd do it the exact same way. What worked for her in the past is no longer effective. She needs to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.

OP here. You must have missed my earlier post. We have the menu at home and the items we order every single time are highlighted - in fact, it was my mother who highlighted them. Nothing is special ordered, it's right off the number, all you have to do is say what 'number' you want. That's what DH and I do. We don't try to pronounce the names of things. The people who answer the phone appear to be native speakers of American English so there's no language/accent barrier.

OK, I did miss that post, sorry.

[Anonymous]

She should have waited until you were mentally available after walking in the door. I don't blame her for not admitting it if she has a phone phobia or anxiety. People on here called her bizarre and crazy and abusive when it could be a benign mental illness. I don't think she wanted your DH to have to deal with her quirks, which is why she wanted you to do it, and she would pay you to deal with her. Also men sometimes pay and she didn't want him paying. It was her treat. Despite what seemed like controlling behavior, I think she was actually trying to be nice and you were cranky from your day at work.

[Anonymous]

You both sound really immature and dysfunctional, what a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.

+1. This is true for my DH, too. Easier to just order myself.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is just going to happen more as the years go by. My MIL found herself ordering for her mother when her mother offered to pay because her mother felt insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.

it must be exhausting to be you, so many excuses why a grown man is incapable of doing something mundane like ordering takeout, and excuses for a grown woman who has raised her own kid(s) and is also incapable of the same mundane task. do you make this many excuses for other people in your life?

Why don't you look in the mirror, mirror in the wall, who is the bitchiest of them all?

It certainly appears to be you. Craziest, too.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She was worried your DH will not order what she wants. You said she likes what she likes and probably knows your DH may not pay close attention to what she said she wants or he doesn't know and that may have happened before. My mom likes what she likes and heaven help us if somebody gets her order wrong. Men are known for not ordering exactly as told and they don't want to pay attention to what you are saying, like I don't want onions, but DH thinks it is too much trouble to tell no onions, no mushrooms, and I have no problem with it. The not paying was a bit weird, but maybe because she knew your DH would get it wrong and then she would be paying for something she doesn't want. Same for her, she is probably not sure what it is that she likes as you were the one who introduced her to Indian food and know what she likes. I don't let my DH order food either, kids and I are very picky and he always screws it up, always. Not maliciously, just doesn't pay attention. It is the same with all the men in my family.

+1. This is true for my DH, too. Easier to just order myself.

Don't project your incompetent husbands onto other people. OP has said hers was capable of doing this elementary school task.