My wife reacts with hostility when I ask for more sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Study up! Learn how he can be more physically alluring to his spouse. And study- memorize the female anatomy until he knows it perfectly. Get some good techniques. Get in better shape. Preparation is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

She can "take steps" too.

The underlying presumption seems to be that if that if the sex is "bad" for her it is entirely the man's fault. But it takes two to tango.

Ultimately, she has just as much of a responsibility to communicate how she feels and what she wants instead of being passive and waiting for her man to magically divine the secrets of her vagina without her help.

Also, men "get off" every time because they don't have the mindset of "waiting for her to give me an orgasm." Men make their own orgasms. Women should learn how to get themselves off and then try to achieve that for themselves during sex, but they don't because they prefer to be passive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife who has lost interest in sex. With my spouse, at least. He is at best mediocre in bed and is also a giant, repressed prude. He starts with this weird baby talkish thing if he wants sex, or will make some attempting-to-be-funny "sexy" dance. It turns me off instantly. Listen, when I'm trying to bear the thought of having sex with you - because I am NOT interested and you do not satisfy me, ever - please don't add fuel to the anti-sex fire.

I wish I could tell him this, but he has quite possibly the worlds most fragile ego, about EVERYTHING. Commenting on lack of sexual satisfaction would mean he'd never be brave enough to try again for fear of failure.

It's not that I'm not interested in sex. Trust me that there's a coworker I'd nail in a hot second. Mmmmmm.

Ok he does sound like a dud. But then, knowing his sexual incompetence, why did you go ahead and marry him?

[Anonymous]

"His needs, her needs". Great book can maybe uncover underlying issues that contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Study up! Learn how he can be more physically alluring to his spouse. And study- memorize the female anatomy until he knows it perfectly. Get some good techniques. Get in better shape. Preparation is key.

That's like telling someone to become a good swimmer by reading about it.

I enjoy reading about sex and am always thinking about new ways to get my wife off. But when I have limited access to my wife, that interest and study doesn't translate into good sex very well. (And to the PP's point about women being more passive in their approach to sex -- I'm certain my wife spends almost no time thinking about new ways to get me off.)

[Anonymous]

I had a boyfriend once who was constantly asking me "Do you like it when a man does this to you?" He would be on the right track and stop and ask "Is this doing anything for you? I am doing this for you right now." The reason that approach didn't work is because there were so many underlying assumptions about me being a slut, as if ANY man could do some technique on me and I would like it or respond the same way. I had to constantly reassure this ex boyfriend that I was enjoying what HE and I were doing together, that I would let him know if he was hurting me or doing something I didn't enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

Wife here who never wants sex, but never says no - I just go through the motions but I have no interest. DH stopped caring about my needs many years ago. I haven't had an orgasm with him in many years. Foreplay to him is me sucking his D before sex to get him hard then he plunges into me dry and it hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. I'm the default parent who takes care of our kids. He doesn't help out at all with housework. I work full time. I've tried talking to him about it but all he cares about is himself. I've just given up on trying. I'm just counting down the days until our kids leave home, then I'm gone and I have no interest at all in getting into another relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^It's not about sex being boring, it's about not getting off during sex. If you were not getting off during sex, no one would blame you for toning it down and not wanting it as often.

Clearly, since OP wants to have sex more often, I am assuming he is getting off each time. If his wife is not, he needs to take steps to bridge that gap.

Wife here who never wants sex, but never says no - I just go through the motions but I have no interest. DH stopped caring about my needs many years ago. I haven't had an orgasm with him in many years. Foreplay to him is me sucking his D before sex to get him hard then he plunges into me dry and it hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. I'm the default parent who takes care of our kids. He doesn't help out at all with housework. I work full time. I've tried talking to him about it but all he cares about is himself. I've just given up on trying. I'm just counting down the days until our kids leave home, then I'm gone and I have no interest at all in getting into another relationship.

Sounds miserable. Which tanked first, your interest in sex or his paying attention to foreplay?

[Anonymous]

So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Stop thinking about it in terms of YOU getting off. Start thinking about touch that's not always going to lead to intercourse and YOUR orgasm. Affection, touching, cuddling, etc. The only time my spouse touches me is when he's getting ready to serve himself some of me. It doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm just the means to his pleasure. That's the problem, pure and simple.

[Anonymous]

Wife here who never wants sex, but never says no - I just go through the motions but I have no interest. DH stopped caring about my needs many years ago. I haven't had an orgasm with him in many years. Foreplay to him is me sucking his D before sex to get him hard then he plunges into me dry and it hurts like hell, but he doesn't care. I'm the default parent who takes care of our kids. He doesn't help out at all with housework. I work full time. I've tried talking to him about it but all he cares about is himself. I've just given up on trying. I'm just counting down the days until our kids leave home, then I'm gone and I have no interest at all in getting into another relationship.

You're not alone. I could have written this post, except for I don't even go through the motions, and it makes no difference to him. I need help figuring out how to get myself out of this situation. We had a long talk about this two years ago, and his response was -- oh, I thought that there was something wrong, and I felt like I was forcing you, but wow -- so sorry that you feel like this....I still have needs, so I'll only do it twice a week instead of every day now.

Seriously - self loathing and despising my spouse more and more by the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Study up! Learn how he can be more physically alluring to his spouse. And study- memorize the female anatomy until he knows it perfectly. Get some good techniques. Get in better shape. Preparation is key.

That's like telling someone to become a good swimmer by reading about it.

I enjoy reading about sex and am always thinking about new ways to get my wife off. But when I have limited access to my wife, that interest and study doesn't translate into good sex very well. (And to the PP's point about women being more passive in their approach to sex -- I'm certain my wife spends almost no time thinking about new ways to get me off.)

Swimming. Programming. Martial arts. Sex.

The "read up" suggestion is dumb because some men have been "reading up" since they were revved up teens. Reading and understanding does not equate to perfection in execution. That comes from the actual doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So hubby needs to get better in bed but he doesn't get any sex until then? How is he supposed to practice and improve his technique If he has no willing partner to do it with?

Stop thinking about it in terms of YOU getting off. Start thinking about touch that's not always going to lead to intercourse and YOUR orgasm. Affection, touching, cuddling, etc. The only time my spouse touches me is when he's getting ready to serve himself some of me. It doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm just the means to his pleasure. That's the problem, pure and simple.

If you can share the instruction manual to what gets every woman off, please do so. It'd be a best seller. Unfortunately, people are unique and what turns on one person may not work for another. What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina- you should share these with greater detail to your partner and he should be willing to do them for you. "I like when you do this, please do more..." is a good way to phrase it.

Reading a book and trying to read your mind isn't a great plan, IMO.

Both partners should be invested in improving their sexual relationship for best results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously - self loathing and despising my spouse more and more by the day.

Guy here- my experience is similar with my low drive wife. I feel like improving our sex life is a greater priority for me and therefore I've tried harder to improve things. Some days I just throw up my hands. Its a vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What your suggesting is essentially infrequent trial-and-error by one partner without guidance from the other. You gave us "affection, touching, cuddling, etc" as the keys to your vagina

no - what I'm suggesting is that you think of her body as more than just her vagina.

That's a pretty nebulous instruction. Again- most guys would appreciate "please do this more..." and they should be willing to do it. You're basically asking a guy to read her mind in regards to specific actions.

Is it really that hard to acknowledge that a woman bears some responsibility for expressly stating what gets her going?