Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s cruel and petty. It proves your estranged kid was right about you!

This is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother needs to do this. He is a multi millionaire, newly retired big house in Florida. He only has one child a daughter. She married a grifter professional student who does not want kids. She locked in on his average looking daughter in college, moved her in to pay 1/2 his rent, then took her newer car dumped his, had her Dad pay a big wedding and talked her out of Catholic mass. Even though her and parents Catholic.

He should change will and make it it goes 100 percent his grandchildren. The grifter needs to know he has to reproduce.

If none goes maybe half his niece and nephew kids and 1/2 to a charity my brother likes but grifter hates.

Several books deal with the need some people have to control others and how sad it is that they try to continue to control others after they day. This is a perfect example. PP hates daughter's spouse and wants to punish them. PP wants to see them forced to have children. It's all so pathetic and sad. This is why some people have nothing to do with their parents. The endless need to control ruins relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So now you are also blaming parents for genetics? Most people with adult children didn’t have access to any knowledge about it when they conceived, and in case you don’t know, there is such a thing as mutation. Many families with 2+ children have vastly different outcomes. Same parents, same environment. Yet some children will be emotionally healthy, content, successful as they define it. Others may be quite opposite.

You have rigid, misogynistic, and provably false beliefs. Of course there are very bad parents out there. But not every adult child with a bad outcome is because of parenting. Not every adult child with a good outcome is because of parenting. You hate your mother and project that experience to everyone, you assume every woman here is same age and didn’t work. I won’t bother replying to you anymore because you are so divorced from reality and unable to acknowledge that your experience is not applicable to everyone else’s.

Well, I'm not "blaming" you for your genetics, but you do pass it on to your kids, whether you like it or not. You may call me rigid or misogynistic or whatever else names you like to call people whose opinions you don't like, because you don't like to take responsibility for your actions, I couldn't care less. I hate the gaslighting you do here and I'm going to make it clear to you that I know your kind. Current research states what is actually common sense. We're born with a given potential determined by genetics. How much of that potential is realized depends on the environment. In other words, talented or smart people born into a harsh environment (or an environment that will not nurture their abilities) will not reach their potential. On the other hand, if your genetics has put a cap on your abilities, no matter the environment, you'll not overcome your genetics. In fact a child's educational attainment is correlated to their biological mother's educational attainment, even if they were adopted at birth. And since you like personal digs: of course I hate my mother, you think you insult me pointing it out, but not at all. Your children likely hate you as well. I was lucky to have my dad and outside mentors and made it, and made it far, but she screw up my brother for life (my dad was not around due to his job). And my mother is not a horrible person, there are millions like her out there, vain, selfish, lazy, likes to get taken care of instead of taking care, considers kids an inconvenience, calls names and belittles anyone who she thinks is beneath her, kind of like you. Parents have a lot of power over what happens to their children (born normal, healthy, average children) even if you don't like to hear it. In other words, if they didn't make it, it's very likely due to something negative that happened (often parental abuse or neglect, doesn't have to be criminal, it's easy to kill a child's self-esteem, less often abuse by another adult/child i.e. environment, or can be, you know, war). If they did make it, it's because of someone's positive influence: be it you or the other parent, grandparent or a relative, even a friend, teacher, and/or they found mentors/lucky circumstances that made it possible. None if it means that two kids from the same family will have the same outcomes, even if parents were nurturing. Genes express differently and the environments that the kids grow up in are different as well (even the society from 10 years ago was different, not to mention parents age and change behavior, school, friends... it all changes): nevertheless it's you who passed on the genes and provide parental bonding. Anyways, good luck and remember, kind people are liked without money and cruel people are not liked even with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actually , adopting an orphan solves a problem.

(You never seem to run out of stereotypes, do you? Signing off now, because unlike your mother, I am nit saddled with you.)

Hope you didn't actually adopt an orphan and abuse them.

You are super twisted.

[Anonymous]

I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

If your parents asked you to come over to their home and while there they said “we just wanted to let you know that we are giving your brother everything.” How would you feel? Would you be hurt? He’s the boy, he gets it all. You’re the girl, your husband is supposed to support you and get it all from his family. That’s how it works. You’re your husband’s burden.

Totally entitlement to be upset by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

If your parents asked you to come over to their home and while there they said “we just wanted to let you know that we are giving your brother everything.” How would you feel? Would you be hurt? He’s the boy, he gets it all. You’re the girl, your husband is supposed to support you and get it all from his family. That’s how it works. You’re your husband’s burden.

Totally entitlement to be upset by this.

Your issues go way beyond the subject of this thread. Yet you keep using it to vent about your dysfunctional family.

The people you are responding to cannot relate, and you should pay someone to help you deal with the trauma you are trying to process.

[Anonymous]

It's Joan Crawford stuff. Cruelty is the point (if you have something to leave them and don't do it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Because I would like to be the bigger person in the relationship with my child. I also do believe any sort of tension with adult children is caused by both parties, not just the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So now you are also blaming parents for genetics? Most people with adult children didn’t have access to any knowledge about it when they conceived, and in case you don’t know, there is such a thing as mutation. Many families with 2+ children have vastly different outcomes. Same parents, same environment. Yet some children will be emotionally healthy, content, successful as they define it. Others may be quite opposite.

You have rigid, misogynistic, and provably false beliefs. Of course there are very bad parents out there. But not every adult child with a bad outcome is because of parenting. Not every adult child with a good outcome is because of parenting. You hate your mother and project that experience to everyone, you assume every woman here is same age and didn’t work. I won’t bother replying to you anymore because you are so divorced from reality and unable to acknowledge that your experience is not applicable to everyone else’s.

Well, I'm not "blaming" you for your genetics, but you do pass it on to your kids, whether you like it or not. You may call me rigid or misogynistic or whatever else names you like to call people whose opinions you don't like, because you don't like to take responsibility for your actions, I couldn't care less. I hate the gaslighting you do here and I'm going to make it clear to you that I know your kind. Current research states what is actually common sense. We're born with a given potential determined by genetics. How much of that potential is realized depends on the environment. In other words, talented or smart people born into a harsh environment (or an environment that will not nurture their abilities) will not reach their potential. On the other hand, if your genetics has put a cap on your abilities, no matter the environment, you'll not overcome your genetics. In fact a child's educational attainment is correlated to their biological mother's educational attainment, even if they were adopted at birth. And since you like personal digs: of course I hate my mother, you think you insult me pointing it out, but not at all. Your children likely hate you as well. I was lucky to have my dad and outside mentors and made it, and made it far, but she screw up my brother for life (my dad was not around due to his job). And my mother is not a horrible person, there are millions like her out there, vain, selfish, lazy, likes to get taken care of instead of taking care, considers kids an inconvenience, calls names and belittles anyone who she thinks is beneath her, kind of like you. Parents have a lot of power over what happens to their children (born normal, healthy, average children) even if you don't like to hear it. In other words, if they didn't make it, it's very likely due to something negative that happened (often parental abuse or neglect, doesn't have to be criminal, it's easy to kill a child's self-esteem, less often abuse by another adult/child i.e. environment, or can be, you know, war). If they did make it, it's because of someone's positive influence: be it you or the other parent, grandparent or a relative, even a friend, teacher, and/or they found mentors/lucky circumstances that made it possible. None if it means that two kids from the same family will have the same outcomes, even if parents were nurturing. Genes express differently and the environments that the kids grow up in are different as well (even the society from 10 years ago was different, not to mention parents age and change behavior, school, friends... it all changes): nevertheless it's you who passed on the genes and provide parental bonding. Anyways, good luck and remember, kind people are liked without money and cruel people are not liked even with money.

Not a Gattaca fan, huh...

[Anonymous]

Because some parents love their children unconditionally!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

Some of us are quietly leaving an unequal division for a variety of valid reasons. We aren’t using inheritance as a cudgel or carrot. I suspect you believe that a child is entitled to an inheritance no matter what they do, and no matter how needs may differ amongst children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

If your parents asked you to come over to their home and while there they said “we just wanted to let you know that we are giving your brother everything.” How would you feel? Would you be hurt? He’s the boy, he gets it all. You’re the girl, your husband is supposed to support you and get it all from his family. That’s how it works. You’re your husband’s burden.

Totally entitlement to be upset by this.

Your issues go way beyond the subject of this thread. Yet you keep using it to vent about your dysfunctional family.

The people you are responding to cannot relate, and you should pay someone to help you deal with the trauma you are trying to process.

Not the poster you are responding to, but you are actually the one who seems to be having trouble. Perhaps her/his post triggered you. I saw nothing wrong with the poster trying to explain her thoughts and feelings and it may just help one person on here not leave a legacy of dysfunction for their children after the grave. I think you are projecting by saying "your issues go way beyond the subject of this thread." Her/his issues relate to the topic and your response seems extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

Some of us are quietly leaving an unequal division for a variety of valid reasons. We aren’t using inheritance as a cudgel or carrot. I suspect you believe that a child is entitled to an inheritance no matter what they do, and no matter how needs may differ amongst children.

That's great as long as you are ok with your kids never speaking to each other again.