Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure this is what my dad reasoned. Sure, cut them out of your will, make sure they find out, then you’ll never have to talk to them again.

[Anonymous]

Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to die knowing I did that and knowing the strife it would cause between my kids. No way, no how.

[Anonymous]

I think many parents do just that, OP!

My MIL loves to “puppetier” her 3 kids using financial promises, gifts and withholdings of both, and likewise threats re: her will. I learned quickly not to count on her offered contributions to anything nor any inheritance from her. I suspect one of DH’s sibs is going to be very unpleasantly surprised after MIL passes.

[Anonymous]

Cutting someone out is in affirmative action and can’t have consequences to the future generations, not only the child but also in-laws and grandchildren and onwards. To me, financial gifts and relationships are pretty separate. For overall family harmony, I would always evenly divide my estate among our children. That’s not contingent on Relationships other than the fact that I am their parent and they are my child. If someone were to provide Extraordinary help while I am ailing, that might result in something additional for that purpose, but I would never financially cut off a child, their spouse and children due to a personal relationship. That just doesn’t seem right for family harmony in my view. Others may differ, which is why we are all allowed to do whatever we wish.

[Anonymous]

You, my family has been doing this for generations. Seems to be a messed up mind game for all, have fun with that.
Has not happened to me but to my siblings, parents, etc. I will say, the one who mostly pays the price is the elder relative, because now they are cut off from their child - but more importantly, from the grandchildren, who may be totally different from their parents.

And…when you’re dead, your beneficiaries will do whatever they want with tge $, including sharing it with the “bad ones” who got written out of the will. Seem that happen multiple times - 1 or 2 siblings inherit the estate & then share evenly with the excluded party/or their kids, in the case of death.

[Anonymous]

Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Well, being a parent means your love is unconditional not tied to obedience. You can be unhappy and disappointed but just not possible to stop caring and loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to die knowing I did that and knowing the strife it would cause between my kids. No way, no how.

+1 and what pp said about parents know more about the whole background history

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is that oftentimes the child has an unpleasant relationship with one parent, but good with the other. Kind of like Tori Spelling situation. My dad built our family's wealth and died, leaving everything to mom. Mom has always been manipulative, difficult and envious of the relationship my dad and I had. In the end, I'd like to inherit something to remember my dad. I don't want anything of my mom's (not even jewelry, or should I say, especially not jewelry?). So, to be honest, I don't know what she'll do. I cannot ask her anything of my dad's, she'd never give me.

[Anonymous]

Too much paperwork

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

Why are you generalizing the hurt you feel to all situations? Everyone's family is different. Sometimes we understand our children have mental health disorders that they cannot control and don't want to see them out in the street. I have a nephew like that. His father will always support him.

You do what you want with your life. Do not presume to judge other people's decision. You will never know the full story.