Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

Agree

But also think it goes both ways. Parents cut the cord on out of control adult children who don’t listen or want to improve themselves.

[Anonymous]

Um... adult children don't have to listen to you or improve in the ways you want. They're adults! I agree, this "I will cut you out of my will if you don't do what I want" is just another carrot parents who want to control their adult children dangle. Nobody with normal relationships with their adult children even thinks this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

So when you believed you would get inheritance you visited, but when you found out you are not inheriting you no longer visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

So when you believed you would get inheritance you visited, but when you found out you are not inheriting you no longer visit?

I’m a NP, but I didn’t read it that way. It’s more like her father let her know where she stood in their relationship and it was a relief for her to be able to move on, knowing without question that she wasn’t harming any possibility of a relationship because he didn’t want one. It’s not about the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

This, 100%.

I don't even know what this means. I am distant from my parents because they can't manage to treat me kindly. I was the disfavored sibling growing up (for reasons that gave nothing to do with my actions, including being a girl and not being athletic). But I don't have to let them keep treating me poorly as an adult. So I drew boundaries to protect myself. No need to keep being the family's punching bag and scapegoat into my 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

So when you believed you would get inheritance you visited, but when you found out you are not inheriting you no longer visit?

I’m a NP, but I didn’t read it that way. It’s more like her father let her know where she stood in their relationship and it was a relief for her to be able to move on, knowing without question that she wasn’t harming any possibility of a relationship because he didn’t want one. It’s not about the money.

Well, I went by this:

“When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead”

I guess we just interpret it differently

[Anonymous]

Well, the PP said there's nothing to inherit anyways. The way I understood is that the dad was/is controlling and used possible inheritance as a carrot, even though he has nothing. So she was visiting out of obligation, but once the dad made his stance clear, she no longer had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

So when you believed you would get inheritance you visited, but when you found out you are not inheriting you no longer visit?

No, there was never any actual money! It was just another sorry chapter in his attempts to control and punish. No, I did not visit after because why would I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the PP said there's nothing to inherit anyways. The way I understood is that the dad was/is controlling and used possible inheritance as a carrot, even though he has nothing. So she was visiting out of obligation, but once the dad made his stance clear, she no longer had to.

Yes that’s right, and I also just felt done with the manipulation. The fact that there was no money just made it all the more absurd and repulsive. But I’m not sure why the amount of money matters? If you cut someone out of your will that’s pretty much a message that your relationship is over, regardless of the amount of money.

[Anonymous]

I’m estranged from my awful parents and fully expect to be cut out from their will. I don’t care. I’d rather maintain my integrity and work my whole life than deal with them. Or they can invest the money into nursing care since I had planned on taking care of them, and now won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

This, 100%.

I don't even know what this means. I am distant from my parents because they can't manage to treat me kindly. I was the disfavored sibling growing up (for reasons that gave nothing to do with my actions, including being a girl and not being athletic). But I don't have to let them keep treating me poorly as an adult. So I drew boundaries to protect myself. No need to keep being the family's punching bag and scapegoat into my 40s.

This. I’m adopted and have always been treated differently. If I want to continue to be their manipulated doll, I would keep playing, but I’m done.

[Anonymous]

No matter what, my estate will be equally divided among my kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m transgender and am completely estranged from my parents. When we still talked, they yelled and screamed at me to try to get me to detransition. They hate LGBT people. They were also deeply embarrassed about me transitioning and were ashamed to talk about it with anyone they knew.

There’s absolutely no way I’ll get any money from them when they die. I wouldn’t detransition even if they promised to give me everything. Their money isn’t more important than my happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

So your adult child doesn't want anything to do with you and to get back at them you cut them off?

That for sure will remove any doubts why they stopped wanting to have a relationship with you. Very mature of you!

If there is no relationship, why would things get any worse?