Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1) Your situation is not “life.” (Maybe my family is straightforward 🤔)

2) Blame your dad, not your Mon. It was his decision to give the money to her, rather than his children. And he knew your Mom.

3) You obviously don’t even like your own mother. I am sure she can sense that. What would cause her go give you large sums of money ?

Make your own future, as she must do.

I am sorry that you did not have a better childhood (or can’t appreciate the childhood your parents worked to give you).

My point was that most people in this thread are women, as is the OP, and 99% of you didn't earn any of your money that you now so proudly wave in your will. Your generation of women (the ones that are now worried about who wants them and their money) were low earners, just a very few made their own way. This is why it's so funny to read this thread, all these old women with all this money and nobody wants them. I didn't write it from my personal point, as I said, my mom has no takers even when offering money. And sure, I can blame my father for being stupid and getting taken by a pretty woman, but that's how women have manipulated men since time immemorial. So yeah, you earned it -- sure, be proud and wave your will... you inherited it, you know what, you are the same crappy person you've always been and you cannot buy relationships.

Well, I am 67 and supported myself (and a child) with not one dime from a man or my parents. That includes funding two graduate degrees.

So maybe stop with the stereotypes, and seek therapy about the deep seated resentment you project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Wanted to add that my mom also thinks she was a great mother because she literally cannot face the reality. In reality it was my 75+ year-old grandmother who got up in the mornings to send us kids to school (yes, including elementary) just to give you an idea. You can never blame adult kids for not having a bond with you, it was your JOB to develop it. If your adult kids now want nothing to do with you, it's because you were a crappy parent. And if you say not, then obviously your adult kid has mental health problems (which often are inherited) and needs help, not being lectured about your "self-esteem".

So no blame is ever shared with adult children .

Got it.

(As stated earlier, get therapy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

I’d find it pretty sad to be thinking this way on my death bed. Very black and white.

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Expecting your parent to rally from that and write you a check is just beyond entitlement.

I mean, the will is what happens after the parent is dead. The sad thing is being fixated on how often the kid called and figuring out how to wrest back my self esteem post-mortem! I hope if I end up there I am focused on understanding and forgiveness and not control and self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Looks like you need therapy. I'm not the one on an anonymous forum asking for sympathy and playing a victim. There's a reason you're here, and the reason is that in real life everybody knows the truth. I'm great, I'm not the one depressed and frightened. I don't have problems with my kids, thanks. I'm here to tell you that I've heard your stories and yes, the blame is on you. There is no adult child who would abandon you if you had formed a bond with them. Even a cat knows who has been kind to them, don't expect less from a human. You sound nasty and miserable. And yes, I am resentful, as would any normal person. Being resentful if you're mistreated is a normal reaction, it benefits and protects us, humans. It tells us not to stick your hand in the fire over and over. Something people like you would not understand. Hope your money will serve you well, as you'll need to buy company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

I'm sure it is, however I can't take my decision with me. Why make whatever is left over in my life about something negative? I guess you can also name a secondary location for money if the adult child doesn't want it. Let them decide I guess. I also think the money at the end of a long-lived life is a lot smaller than at the time when there is estrangement. Not worth a lot of time in contemplation.

[Anonymous]

Btw, stating that men have earned most of the money in older generations like yours is not a stereotype, but a fact. Most women were either SAHMs or worked temporary/low paid jobs. In addition, every single woman in current top wealth rankings have their money from either an inheritance or divorce. There is not a single rich woman who is self made. Looks like you were a single parent and that caused its own problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like you need therapy. I'm not the one on an anonymous forum asking for sympathy and playing a victim. There's a reason you're here, and the reason is that in real life everybody knows the truth. I'm great, I'm not the one depressed and frightened. I don't have problems with my kids, thanks. I'm here to tell you that I've heard your stories and yes, the blame is on you. There is no adult child who would abandon you if you had formed a bond with them. Even a cat knows who has been kind to them, don't expect less from a human. You sound nasty and miserable. And yes, I am resentful, as would any normal person. Being resentful if you're mistreated is a normal reaction, it benefits and protects us, humans. It tells us not to stick your hand in the fire over and over. Something people like you would not understand. Hope your money will serve you well, as you'll need to buy company.

To quote you, being resentful if your’e mistreated is normal.”

Why do you only understand this reaction from children, not parents? They are both human .

If you resist therapy—which is sad for you—at least look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw, stating that men have earned most of the money in older generations like yours is not a stereotype, but a fact. Most women were either SAHMs or worked temporary/low paid jobs. In addition, every single woman in current top wealth rankings have their money from either an inheritance or divorce. There is not a single rich woman who is self made. Looks like you were a single parent and that caused its own problems.

Actually , adopting an orphan solves a problem.

(You never seem to run out of stereotypes, do you? Signing off now, because unlike your mother, I am nit saddled with you.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Really? I’d think that the most you can do is an inventory of your own behavior — and try to sort things out with your kid. Kids are born ready to love. As a parent, I’d want to understand how that got disrupted, and do my best to repair the situation if I could. My last thought would be about how I could make them suffer after I’m dead. If your goal is to try to control them by telling them your plan while you’re still alive — then it’s pretty clear, to me, at least — why an adult child would be “stand-offish”. If this is your goal, I’ll guess that you have others in place in the event that you need any sort of care or advocacy as you get older. Also, as others have said, if you plan to punish the children of your stand-offish adult child, that would be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To quote you, being resentful if your’re mistreated is normal.”

Why do you only understand this reaction from children, not parents? They are both human .

If you resist therapy—which is sad for you—at least look in the mirror.

Because the damage is done by the adult, the parent, not the child. You are in charge of the relationship as a parent. As PP said, children are born to love. If they don't love you, you have mistreated them. Sure, later on they might mistreat you. Why would you expect anything different? It's like kicking an animal, a cat, over and over and then expecting them to come begging to you. Or you tell your cat you've been so kind and loving to them, but they know different. Therapy will not solve your problems if you refuse to reflect and think. Similarly, my (or your child's) therapy will not solve my mom's (or your) problems, the problems that you've created. I'm content living my life without ever seeing my mother (so she's not saddled with me, ha-ha) and I sure don't want or need her money. Looks like your child is on the same page and I'm happy for them. It takes a lot of courage to overcome a negative self-serving parent, especially a mother. I hope your child had an opportunity to develop a loving bond with someone else (like I did with my dad and grandma) or their life is difficult ahead.

[Anonymous]

And lastly, you seem to conflate the bond I'm talking about with money because that's all you know. A bond between a parent and a child is not about the money, but about unconditional love, warmth, belonging. Which is probably why you're surprised after paying for their graduate degrees why they don't love you. There are again men who do that (again, not a stereotype as you misunderstand, but a fact), spend a lot of money on someone and then think they're owed love in return. No, if you're not a nice person, you're only tolerated because you have money! Which is why once they have their own money (after two graduate degrees after all), they're out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Actually , adopting an orphan solves a problem.

(You never seem to run out of stereotypes, do you? Signing off now, because unlike your mother, I am nit saddled with you.)

Hope you didn't actually adopt an orphan and abuse them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

That is not standoffish. That is being a spoiled, entitled brat. Her behavior is wrong, but you raised her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Really? I’d think that the most you can do is an inventory of your own behavior — and try to sort things out with your kid. Kids are born ready to love. As a parent, I’d want to understand how that got disrupted, and do my best to repair the situation if I could. My last thought would be about how I could make them suffer after I’m dead. If your goal is to try to control them by telling them your plan while you’re still alive — then it’s pretty clear, to me, at least — why an adult child would be “stand-offish”. If this is your goal, I’ll guess that you have others in place in the event that you need any sort of care or advocacy as you get older. Also, as others have said, if you plan to punish the children of your stand-offish adult child, that would be cruel.

Kids are not all born ready to love. Many have severe trouble doing so even as infants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

It's possible that you and her disagree about whether or not those things happened, but nothing ultimately excuses her theft. Still, she'll probably end up challenging the will and harassing your other kids in the future.

And that is why you don't completely leave her out of the will. You stipulate that you are giving her $100 and outline why she is not to get any more. Otherwise yes she will attempt to steal from your other kids inheritance. But there are legal ways to ensure this doesn't happen