Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

You have a great way with words. Posts like this is why I keep coming back to DCUM. Thank you, stranger! It's been 4 years since my dad passed and since then my mom actually bought my brother a new car and is paying niece's college tuition. I don't have a sister. It's almost comical, isn't it? She dangled the carrot in front of me as well and when I refused, she went on to tell all my relatives that I'm gravely ill. My brother called me panicked. I'm now VLC with mom and she doesn't understand why I don't play her games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s cruel and petty. It proves your estranged kid was right about you!

This is exactly right.

NP. Okay, so then everyone wins, right? Parent gets to give the money to the person they want. Child gets to believe he or she was right and has proof. Parent is dead so doesn’t care what child thinks any more. I’m not seeing the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

Some of us are quietly leaving an unequal division for a variety of valid reasons. We aren’t using inheritance as a cudgel or carrot. I suspect you believe that a child is entitled to an inheritance no matter what they do, and no matter how needs may differ amongst children.

I hope you will at least have the decency to tell your children assuming it's not for an obvious reason like disability. I wonder if you chose quietly because you feel entitled to having the one who gets nothing or less to still risk promotions and her/his job to do things for you while so often the one who will get a big inheritance doesn't feel the need to help much.I suspect you believe a parent is entitled to endless sacrifices from their adult children, sometimes at the expense of their own grandchildren, no matter how much needs differ. See how that works? Relationships only become transactional when people decide to play games and play favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

You don't understand, but you judge. Usually parents who play games with wills have been controlling and emotionally abusive with their children from the start. I expected nothing from my parents and had a close relationship with my father who passed. My mother had some abusive tendencies, but he always shut that down. After he passed I tried to be helpful to her and the games began. She would inform me she was funding private school for my sister's kids and was thinking of buying my brother a new car. These proclamations were happening on a regular basis as she got a glimmer in her eye desperately wanting to cause some pain. I set major boundaries, made it clear she could spend her money how she wished, but it was cruel to keep bringing this up. Then she started giving handouts to a cousin who recklessly would spend on luxury vacations and other things and ended up in debt. Meanwhile mom was accepting free labor from us.

When you interact with a kind and decent person, there isn't this constant mention of how they play favorites with everyone, but you. You can simply enjoy their time. You don't expect anything material from them, the gift is the relationship. When you interact with a disturbed person who is desperate to control the relationship feels transactional, fake, and miserable and there is this constant need for the person to try to dangle carrots. You don't need the carrot and you didn't expect the carrot, but it is disgusting for a parent to make a big deal about how everyone but you will get this carrot/cookie whatever.

Then some poster on the DCUM says well you are so entitled to expect it. People expect their parents to be emotionally mature and decent human beings and the way they try to control whether it's with money or other manipulations is just another manifestation of the BS you dealt with growing up. It's not about the money as much as it is about expecting your parents to be decent people and not play these games.

Some of us are quietly leaving an unequal division for a variety of valid reasons. We aren’t using inheritance as a cudgel or carrot. I suspect you believe that a child is entitled to an inheritance no matter what they do, and no matter how needs may differ amongst children.

I hope you will at least have the decency to tell your children assuming it's not for an obvious reason like disability. I wonder if you chose quietly because you feel entitled to having the one who gets nothing or less to still risk promotions and her/his job to do things for you while so often the one who will get a big inheritance doesn't feel the need to help much.I suspect you believe a parent is entitled to endless sacrifices from their adult children, sometimes at the expense of their own grandchildren, no matter how much needs differ. See how that works? Relationships only become transactional when people decide to play games and play favorites.

You are projecting and assuming many things, and none of them are true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

I expect nothing from my father, but he seems to take some sick pleasure in desperately wanting me to want his money. Every time he uses it to try to manipulate me I tell him to give it to charity.

We aren’t entitled, we are simply aware of what our parents are trying to do with their money and refusing to play along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

I expect nothing from my father, but he seems to take some sick pleasure in desperately wanting me to want his money. Every time he uses it to try to manipulate me I tell him to give it to charity.

We aren’t entitled, we are simply aware of what our parents are trying to do with their money and refusing to play along.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

I expect nothing from my father, but he seems to take some sick pleasure in desperately wanting me to want his money. Every time he uses it to try to manipulate me I tell him to give it to charity.

We aren’t entitled, we are simply aware of what our parents are trying to do with their money and refusing to play along.

As people get older some of them project onto others who they can their displeasure at not being young anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had wonderful parents but absolutely did not expect a dime from them.

The posters on here have extreme entitlement.

I expect nothing from my father, but he seems to take some sick pleasure in desperately wanting me to want his money. Every time he uses it to try to manipulate me I tell him to give it to charity.

We aren’t entitled, we are simply aware of what our parents are trying to do with their money and refusing to play along.

I do the same thing with my mom and tell her charity or my sibling. I had enough. She isn’t generous or caring in life….we aren’t rich but make it work and saved for state college. I don’t need the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

^This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Expecting your parent to rally from that and write you a check is just beyond entitlement.

Nobody is expecting a parent to rally. It's the parent who is expecting all the care in the world when they didn't give much when it was time. If you helped your children in the way you say, they'd be by your side. The bond is formed when the kids are little. It they're not, you know why. Instead of rewriting history, self-reflect. The bond cannot be forced upon or formed with adults who resent you for all you've done, this ship has sailed. There's a reason why you're frightened and depressed. Trying to buy relationships with money never works out in the long term.

This makes me really sad because I think this is how my little DD thinks about me. DH became unemployed and dysfunctional when I became pregnant with her and I had to go out and work - a lot. I wasn't there enough. If I had divorced, I still would have had to work, at least as much, so that wouldn't have helped. she is a teenager and rejects me now. I can't blame her.