Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole obsession over Wills is weird to me. 1) I'm not sitting around waiting for my parents to die 2) I want them to live their best lives and I'm realistic about end of life medical care costs. I'm not expecting any money and I'd much rather have them than their money. Go to Hawaii, mom and dad, take a trip to Ireland. Spend it.

Of course. But when a parent decides to affirmatively cut you out of their will, then that means they no longer want a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole obsession over Wills is weird to me. 1) I'm not sitting around waiting for my parents to die 2) I want them to live their best lives and I'm realistic about end of life medical care costs. I'm not expecting any money and I'd much rather have them than their money. Go to Hawaii, mom and dad, take a trip to Ireland. Spend it.

Of course. But when a parent decides to affirmatively cut you out of their will, then that means they no longer want a relationship with you.

I'm just saying, Wills obsessions, counting the money of a living person and cutting a kid off? Those are not the actions of a loving, healthy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

I would bet $10000000000000 that you have refused over and over to have an actual relationship with your adult child. Being in an adult relationship means both parties choose to be in the relationship, respect when the other person says no thank you or no that doesn’t work and neither party behaves as if they are entitled to the other persons time and attention.

Waiving your will around as a weapon is not going to get you what you want. Seeking therapy and learning hot to become a respectful person will yield a better outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

It's possible that you and her disagree about whether or not those things happened, but nothing ultimately excuses her theft. Still, she'll probably end up challenging the will and harassing your other kids in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

It's possible that you and her disagree about whether or not those things happened, but nothing ultimately excuses her theft. Still, she'll probably end up challenging the will and harassing your other kids in the future.

I am sure there are some things that are matters if perception, and things that I did wrong. I think we also had very different expectations and neither of us communicated very well around that. That’s why I offered to do family therapy together.

The list she sent was very factual, provable stuff. For example, one of her complaints was that I deliberately tried to have her phone turned off so that she would be unable to access all of her accounts, apps, etc. This never happened. I did tell her that I was unwilling to continue paying for her expensive plan, and that I would switch her to a less expensive one or send her the money to do it herself. I also reminded her that she owns the phone number and can do what she wants with it. She said she didn’t want a dime and would make her own arrangements. She waited until the last minute and ended up needing my help (which I provided) to avoid having her service disrupted for a weekend. The whole list is similar.

As far as disrupting inheritance, she would have a very difficult time with that as very little will pass through a will.

[Anonymous]

It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

So what about this situation: dad in the family earned all the money, passed away, and now mom has the money (it was done as a mutual will, dad didn't divorce because he wanted adult kids to get the money). She doesn't have a good relationship with the adult kids because she's always been selfish, manipulative and paid them as little attention as humanly possible (grandma had to come in and do the actual care since I was 2, dad's mom). It's all about controlling. In fact she says I'll pay you this much if you do that for me. Life is not as straightforward as you seem to imagine. In my experience the ones who inherit money (instead of earning it themselves) don't have very good relationships with their adult kids as the reason they didn't earn the money themselves is their lack of skills, both in relationships and professionally (which is why they start manipulating, the only thing they know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

So what about this situation: dad in the family earned all the money, passed away, and now mom has the money (it was done as a mutual will, dad didn't divorce because he wanted adult kids to get the money). She doesn't have a good relationship with the adult kids because she's always been selfish, manipulative and paid them as little attention as humanly possible (grandma had to come in and do the actual care since I was 2, dad's mom). It's all about controlling. In fact she says I'll pay you this much if you do that for me. Life is not as straightforward as you seem to imagine. In my experience the ones who inherit money (instead of earning it themselves) don't have very good relationships with their adult kids as the reason they didn't earn the money themselves is their lack of skills, both in relationships and professionally (which is why they start manipulating, the only thing they know).

1) Your situation is not “life.” (Maybe my family is straightforward 🤔)

2) Blame your dad, not your Mon. It was his decision to give the money to her, rather than his children. And he knew your Mom.

3) You obviously don’t even like your own mother. I am sure she can sense that. What would cause her go give you large sums of money ?

Make your own future, as she must do.

I am sorry that you did not have a better childhood (or can’t appreciate the childhood your parents worked to give you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

I’d find it pretty sad to be thinking this way on my death bed. Very black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You, my family has been doing this for generations. Seems to be a messed up mind game for all, have fun with that.
Has not happened to me but to my siblings, parents, etc. I will say, the one who mostly pays the price is the elder relative, because now they are cut off from their child - but more importantly, from the grandchildren, who may be totally different from their parents.

And…when you’re dead, your beneficiaries will do whatever they want with tge $, including sharing it with the “bad ones” who got written out of the will. Seem that happen multiple times - 1 or 2 siblings inherit the estate & then share evenly with the excluded party/or their kids, in the case of death.

That’s what I would do, though I don’t know how a sibling can give another sibling a huge amount of money without it being a tax event.

[Anonymous]

There is almost nothing my child would do that would make me hate them enough to cut them out of my will or give them less than their siblings. If they had a drug or gambling problem, I'd craft the trust more carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is against human nature to share the money you earned over decades with someone who can’t pick up the phone when you are old and in poor health.

It is not about controlling your children. It is about having the self esteem to not engage in a one way relationship.

I’d find it pretty sad to be thinking this way on my death bed. Very black and white.

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Expecting your parent to rally from that and write you a check is just beyond entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1) Your situation is not “life.” (Maybe my family is straightforward 🤔)

2) Blame your dad, not your Mon. It was his decision to give the money to her, rather than his children. And he knew your Mom.

3) You obviously don’t even like your own mother. I am sure she can sense that. What would cause her go give you large sums of money ?

Make your own future, as she must do.

I am sorry that you did not have a better childhood (or can’t appreciate the childhood your parents worked to give you).

My point was that most people in this thread are women, as is the OP, and 99% of you didn't earn any of your money that you now so proudly wave in your will. Your generation of women (the ones that are now worried about who wants them and their money) were low earners, just a very few made their own way. This is why it's so funny to read this thread, all these old women with all this money and nobody wants them. I didn't write it from my personal point, as I said, my mom has no takers even when offering money. And sure, I can blame my father for being stupid and getting taken by a pretty woman, but that's how women have manipulated men since time immemorial. So yeah, you earned it -- sure, be proud and wave your will... you inherited it, you know what, you are the same crappy person you've always been and you cannot buy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Expecting your parent to rally from that and write you a check is just beyond entitlement.

Nobody is expecting a parent to rally. It's the parent who is expecting all the care in the world when they didn't give much when it was time. If you helped your children in the way you say, they'd be by your side. The bond is formed when the kids are little. It they're not, you know why. Instead of rewriting history, self-reflect. The bond cannot be forced upon or formed with adults who resent you for all you've done, this ship has sailed. There's a reason why you're frightened and depressed. Trying to buy relationships with money never works out in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You only face the decline of old age, and death once. It is frightening and depressing. If the children you raised for decades , invested in and set up for life can’t care for you then, it would be the ultimate disappointment.

Wanted to add that my mom also thinks she was a great mother because she literally cannot face the reality. In reality it was my 75+ year-old grandmother who got up in the mornings to send us kids to school (yes, including elementary) just to give you an idea. You can never blame adult kids for not having a bond with you, it was your JOB to develop it. If your adult kids now want nothing to do with you, it's because you were a crappy parent. And if you say not, then obviously your adult kid has mental health problems (which often are inherited) and needs help, not being lectured about your "self-esteem".