Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1) Your situation is not “life.” (Maybe my family is straightforward 🤔)

2) Blame your dad, not your Mon. It was his decision to give the money to her, rather than his children. And he knew your Mom.

3) You obviously don’t even like your own mother. I am sure she can sense that. What would cause her go give you large sums of money ?

Make your own future, as she must do.

I am sorry that you did not have a better childhood (or can’t appreciate the childhood your parents worked to give you).

My point was that most people in this thread are women, as is the OP, and 99% of you didn't earn any of your money that you now so proudly wave in your will. Your generation of women (the ones that are now worried about who wants them and their money) were low earners, just a very few made their own way. This is why it's so funny to read this thread, all these old women with all this money and nobody wants them. I didn't write it from my personal point, as I said, my mom has no takers even when offering money. And sure, I can blame my father for being stupid and getting taken by a pretty woman, but that's how women have manipulated men since time immemorial. So yeah, you earned it -- sure, be proud and wave your will... you inherited it, you know what, you are the same crappy person you've always been and you cannot buy relationships.

WTF do you know? I earn equal to my husband. We both are High earners and both got us to UHNW.

But even if it came mostly from one of us, that means it is still both of ours money. Because that is how we have always functioned. Joint accounts, and none of this "mine" vs "yours".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Btw, stating that men have earned most of the money in older generations like yours is not a stereotype, but a fact. Most women were either SAHMs or worked temporary/low paid jobs. In addition, every single woman in current top wealth rankings have their money from either an inheritance or divorce. There is not a single rich woman who is self made. Looks like you were a single parent and that caused its own problems.

This is objectively false and it’s insulting. My greatest generation grandmothers worked- one had a husband nearly destroyed by PTSD and three small children to support. The other has two children and a husband that gambled. My boomer mother was a pioneering scientist- people have a field of study that did not exist without her work. Hopefully women in academia have less sexual harassment to deal with than she did then. I have had periods of being a SAHM and periods of working. I also contributed enormously to my husband’s career. The idea that women haven’t worked or created wealth is ridiculous. Women have worked throughout history. And marriages with a SAHM or SAHD have marital income and assets. The SAH doesn’t receive a paycheck, but they still contribute economically to their famiy.


100 self made women from 300m$ to 20B$.
https://www.forbes.com/self-made-women/?sh=447871516d96

Some people are born with mental illness or criminality that has nothing to do with how they are raised. There are terrible parents and terrible children, but mostly people are a mix of good and bad, doing their best. If parents are always at fault for how a child or the relationships turn out, then I suppose parents also receive every bit of credit for their achievements? That’s nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Really? I’d think that the most you can do is an inventory of your own behavior — and try to sort things out with your kid. Kids are born ready to love. As a parent, I’d want to understand how that got disrupted, and do my best to repair the situation if I could. My last thought would be about how I could make them suffer after I’m dead. If your goal is to try to control them by telling them your plan while you’re still alive — then it’s pretty clear, to me, at least — why an adult child would be “stand-offish”. If this is your goal, I’ll guess that you have others in place in the event that you need any sort of care or advocacy as you get older. Also, as others have said, if you plan to punish the children of your stand-offish adult child, that would be cruel.

Not giving someone a gift is different than “making them suffer.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If parents are always at fault for how a child or the relationships turn out, then I suppose parents also receive every bit of credit for their achievements? That’s nonsense.

You're not always at fault, but you set the foundation. It's like common sense and any child development knowledge is absent in all you "wonderful" mothers. And in case you haven't noticed, a lot of adult kids do give credit and thanks to their parents (athletes, scientists, businessmen, folks of all kinds). There are literally two contributors to child outcomes: genetics and the environment. Both are set by parents. Many of you sound so nasty I'm not surprised at all your adult kids want nothing to do with you, and that's on an anonymous forum. Don't worry, your money will not be missed and neither will you. Just don't adopt any orphans as slaves to do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Really? I’d think that the most you can do is an inventory of your own behavior — and try to sort things out with your kid. Kids are born ready to love. As a parent, I’d want to understand how that got disrupted, and do my best to repair the situation if I could. My last thought would be about how I could make them suffer after I’m dead. If your goal is to try to control them by telling them your plan while you’re still alive — then it’s pretty clear, to me, at least — why an adult child would be “stand-offish”. If this is your goal, I’ll guess that you have others in place in the event that you need any sort of care or advocacy as you get older. Also, as others have said, if you plan to punish the children of your stand-offish adult child, that would be cruel.

Not giving someone a gift is different than “making them suffer.”

Obviously, cutting a child out of your will is different from “not giving them a gift.” It’s a very final act intended to send a message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If parents are always at fault for how a child or the relationships turn out, then I suppose parents also receive every bit of credit for their achievements? That’s nonsense.

You're not always at fault, but you set the foundation. It's like common sense and any child development knowledge is absent in all you "wonderful" mothers. And in case you haven't noticed, a lot of adult kids do give credit and thanks to their parents (athletes, scientists, businessmen, folks of all kinds). There are literally two contributors to child outcomes: genetics and the environment. Both are set by parents. Many of you sound so nasty I'm not surprised at all your adult kids want nothing to do with you, and that's on an anonymous forum. Don't worry, your money will not be missed and neither will you. Just don't adopt any orphans as slaves to do what you want.

DP. I don’t think I’m a perfect parent and sure, my kid might end up distant from me as an adult (probably due to personality more than anything else). But I can’t imagine what it would take for me to dramatically “cut him out.” He’d have to have assaulted me or stolen from me repeatedly or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kids are not all born ready to love. Many have severe trouble doing so even as infants.

Give a medical literature reference if you can as this is literally a lie. Many definitely don't have severe trouble bonding. If you cause them brain damage, yes, you'll have problems, but that's on you. I'm sorry for your kids. Animals make better mothers than you.

[Anonymous]

They don't write them out of the will because they love their kids and don't want to give them a final blow that will hurt them for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Kids are not all born ready to love. Many have severe trouble doing so even as infants.

Give a medical literature reference if you can as this is literally a lie. Many definitely don't have severe trouble bonding. If you cause them brain damage, yes, you'll have problems, but that's on you. I'm sorry for your kids. Animals make better mothers than you.

the only way an infant could have “severe trouble” bonding is due to a disability like severe autism. but even those kids bond and communicate, it’s just different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't write them out of the will because they love their kids and don't want to give them a final blow that will hurt them for the rest of their lives.

well put. thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: If parents are always at fault for how a child or the relationships turn out, then I suppose parents also receive every bit of credit for their achievements? That’s nonsense.

You're not always at fault, but you set the foundation. It's like common sense and any child development knowledge is absent in all you "wonderful" mothers. And in case you haven't noticed, a lot of adult kids do give credit and thanks to their parents (athletes, scientists, businessmen, folks of all kinds). There are literally two contributors to child outcomes: genetics and the environment. Both are set by parents. Many of you sound so nasty I'm not surprised at all your adult kids want nothing to do with you, and that's on an anonymous forum. Don't worry, your money will not be missed and neither will you. Just don't adopt any orphans as slaves to do what you want.

So now you are also blaming parents for genetics? Most people with adult children didn’t have access to any knowledge about it when they conceived, and in case you don’t know, there is such a thing as mutation. Many families with 2+ children have vastly different outcomes. Same parents, same environment. Yet some children will be emotionally healthy,content, successful as they define it. Others may be quite opposite.

You have rigid, misogynistic, and provably false beliefs. Of course there are very bad parents out there. But not every adult child with a bad outcome is because of parenting. Not every adult child with a good outcome is because of parenting. You hate your mother and project that experience to everyone, you assume every woman here is same age and didn’t work. I won’t bother replying to you anymore because you are so divorced from reality and unable to acknowledge that your experience is not applicable to everyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Because it’s cruel and petty. It proves your estranged kid was right about you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

So when you believed you would get inheritance you visited, but when you found out you are not inheriting you no longer visit?

Not the pp here but, that is one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is pp found out her parent was intentionally cruel and changed her priorities accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cutting a kid out of your will: the final act of your personality disorder.

This

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine wanting to hurt my adult child’s feeling posthumously. That’s psycho.