Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

The will is not the thing. People live a long time! Your children will be old themselves before the will is even in play.
This is how my wealthy family members involve money in conflicts with their children:
1) tuition for grandchildren
2) distributions from trusts
3) annual cash gifts
4) support or not for major purchases and events like houses, weddings, and divorces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Well, being a parent means your love is unconditional not tied to obedience. You can be unhappy and disappointed but just not possible to stop caring and loving.

It is easier to love children unconditionally when they are young. Once they become adults, they need to hold up the other side of an adult relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The will is not the thing. People live a long time! Your children will be old themselves before the will is even in play.
This is how my wealthy family members involve money in conflicts with their children:
1) tuition for grandchildren
2) distributions from trusts
3) annual cash gifts
4) support or not for major purchases and events like houses, weddings, and divorces

1, 2 and 4 are the right ways to distribute money and help the adult children when they need it. They will not need money by the time I die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m transgender and am completely estranged from my parents. When we still talked, they yelled and screamed at me to try to get me to detransition. They hate LGBT people. They were also deeply embarrassed about me transitioning and were ashamed to talk about it with anyone they knew.

There’s absolutely no way I’ll get any money from them when they die. I wouldn’t detransition even if they promised to give me everything. Their money isn’t more important than my happiness.

I am very sorry that your parents did not value you, and I hope you have loving and supportive people in your life that love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

Our parents will likely live to a much older age than we will because so many of them led less stressful lives (lower cost of living in relation to salary/more job benefits/retired younger/fewer expectations on parents/didn't do much for their own parents/food supply was healthier-fewer pesticides and chemicals/etc). I think most of us just want our time with them to pleasant. When someone starts demanding things and threatening with money, eventually you just focus on keeping your marriage strong and your relationship with your own children healthy and it's sometimes easier to earn more money at work than to deal with a parent who keeps raising the bar and making threats.

Some of those who try to control with money may live into their 90s. If many of us are going to be dying in our 70s or younger or will be lucky to make it to 80s, that money isn't really going to do much for us. Then there is the health cost of dealing with someone who feels having money entitles them to be emotionally abusive. Leave the "inheritance" of good memories of you being kind and decent to your adult children. Leave them money or don't, but threats and manipulations are not the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

This is true. When I found out from siblings that my dad had cut me out of his will, it was kind of a relief (after the initial hurt wore off). Get out of jail free card to never have to deal with any of his care or stuff or nonsense. Like I happily spent the money and vacation time I would have spent to visit him when he was sick to take my kid to Disney instead. The funny thing is that he actually will leave just debts and no estate, so the whole “cutting people out of the will” was just a way to exercise control (part of a long pattern of such attempted contol.)

Yes. When i found out my sister who was low contact with my parents for years, didn't help with health issues or emergencies and engaged in frequent dramatics when she was more involved with them.....was getting massive handouts, it was a relief. i was exhausted and burned out from helping them so much and here I thought I was saving them money. Once i knew there was plenty of money for her and for them to be at the most expensive retirement place out there with more to spare, I stepped back considerably. Then i got called selfish. That made me step back even more. I am making much more at work because I have more to give and it was better for the family I created too. The wealth of more time for them, less stress, etc was so worth not engaging in this BS anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m transgender and am completely estranged from my parents. When we still talked, they yelled and screamed at me to try to get me to detransition. They hate LGBT people. They were also deeply embarrassed about me transitioning and were ashamed to talk about it with anyone they knew.

There’s absolutely no way I’ll get any money from them when they die. I wouldn’t detransition even if they promised to give me everything. Their money isn’t more important than my happiness.

I'm sure there are some people like this but a lot of lgbtq people use this as an excuse as to why they are no contact. Most people could not care less what orientation their kids or parents are. Not saying this post is untrue but for others I'm saying to not necessarily trust this as a reason. It's highly likely it was something else that caused the estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m transgender and am completely estranged from my parents. When we still talked, they yelled and screamed at me to try to get me to detransition. They hate LGBT people. They were also deeply embarrassed about me transitioning and were ashamed to talk about it with anyone they knew.

There’s absolutely no way I’ll get any money from them when they die. I wouldn’t detransition even if they promised to give me everything. Their money isn’t more important than my happiness.

I'm sure there are some people like this but a lot of lgbtq people use this as an excuse as to why they are no contact. Most people could not care less what orientation their kids or parents are. Not saying this post is untrue but for others I'm saying to not necessarily trust this as a reason. It's highly likely it was something else that caused the estrangement.

Thanks for the valuable insight, Janet. FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m transgender and am completely estranged from my parents. When we still talked, they yelled and screamed at me to try to get me to detransition. They hate LGBT people. They were also deeply embarrassed about me transitioning and were ashamed to talk about it with anyone they knew.

There’s absolutely no way I’ll get any money from them when they die. I wouldn’t detransition even if they promised to give me everything. Their money isn’t more important than my happiness.

I'm sure there are some people like this but a lot of lgbtq people use this as an excuse as to why they are no contact. Most people could not care less what orientation their kids or parents are. Not saying this post is untrue but for others I'm saying to not necessarily trust this as a reason. It's highly likely it was something else that caused the estrangement.

Thanks for the valuable insight, Janet. FFS

+1 Rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

If my parents cut me out of their will, I wouldn't care. In fact, I'd rather not get anything if that meant there were strings attached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

If money is the only way you have a relationship with your adult kids, you have failed as a parent. No wonder your kids don't want to be near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

What are you OP, the second wife? MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

If money is the only way you have a relationship with your adult kids, you have failed as a parent. No wonder your kids don't want to be near you.

Money works and makes people closer. We're not from a rich family ourselves but I see it all the time. Some pretty shitty people/parents have good relationships and respect from their kids simply because they fund x. y and z for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

If my parents cut me out of their will, I wouldn't care. In fact, I'd rather not get anything if that meant there were strings attached.

Would you rather talk it out now, strings and all, or find out when it's too late that your parents gave up on you? Assuming there's life-changing money at stake, that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

This. I wish people would stop assuming it's the parents.