Why don’t parents just cut stand-offish adult children out of their will?

[Anonymous]

Given the details you disclose, OP, I'm inclined to believe you are an unaffectionate, transactional, sort of person, and your child knows she won't get anything out of you except money, when what she actually needed was love. So she acts in consequence, and you act in consequence. She won't be surprised or disappointed by your actions.

[Anonymous]

That's how you go from standoffish to nonexistent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

So your adult child doesn't want anything to do with you and to get back at them you cut them off?

That for sure will remove any doubts why they stopped wanting to have a relationship with you. Very mature of you!

[Anonymous]

The adult child already knows that all you can do is manipulate with money, and they don't want any of that. It would be a relief if you cut them out, then they don't have to deal with your stupid stuff once you finally die. Read the threads about people dying with house full of stuff that nobody wants. And no, it's highly unlikely you have anything valuable, people like you never do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the details you disclose, OP, I'm inclined to believe you are an unaffectionate, transactional, sort of person, and your child knows she won't get anything out of you except money, when what she actually needed was love. So she acts in consequence, and you act in consequence. She won't be surprised or disappointed by your actions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, some do. And others still love their children no matter what.

So money=love?

My division hasn’t been equal because of a larger family and big age span. The older children have received much already, younger have more needs. Ultimately it is relatively equal, but the older children get more before death.

Then came the day I discovered adult DD stole money (not a small sum) from me and from her youngest sibling. She refused to deal with it. Throughout, I told her, look if I am wrong, show me the receipts. But she had none. In the fallout, I discovered she had conned me throughout much of college. I had been generous with her and her BF whose family was not well off. I was not strict with record keeping, and I trusted her. She’d had me reimburse her for things 2x or pay for things 2x. In some cases she had me pay for something and later had me reimburse her saying she had to borrow from a friend’s mother. Then she deliberately provoked an unstable family member to become involved which caused more distress for me and for the elementary sibling. Next she said she wanted to repair the relationship, but when I offered family therapy at her convenience/comfort level, she declined and sent an ugly email complaining of things that never happened. She continues to try and stir up trouble in the extended family. I just say, “Yes, it’s true Larla and I had a falling out. It’s very sad and I prefer not to discuss it.” If anyone presses, I just repeat, “It’s very sad,” and I change the subject.

So, she is not going to inherit anything more. This is not a subject of discussion, there is no attack letter from me telling her she won’t inherit, and only the attorney knows, so she will not hear from anyone else. I love her and I wish her a good life. I do not feel I owe her an inheritance.

In our family, the children who take care of the parents, grandparents etc have always received more. I think this is fair. If you happen to like one child more than the other that is not a great reason to make things unequal. People have a right to leave their own money as they see fit. It should not be used as a bargaining or pressuring tool, but the idea that everything must be equal no matter what is not one I agree with.

Why are you generalizing the hurt you feel to all situations? Everyone's family is different. Sometimes we understand our children have mental health disorders that they cannot control and don't want to see them out in the street. I have a nephew like that. His father will always support him.

You do what you want with your life. Do not presume to judge other people's decision. You will never know the full story.

I didn’t generalize or judge. I related my own story about why my children aren’t receiving equal inheritances, and why one (who cut herself off) will not receive an inheritance. I’m not telling anyone else what to do. That’s the people who insist it must be equal no matter what. I think it is you who is the presumptuous one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

Because maybe some parents want to be bigger people and take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

I don't know about that. I think there are plenty of messed up adults out there who don't want to look inward and take accountability for themselves and their actions/choices and blame their parents

This, 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that oftentimes the child has an unpleasant relationship with one parent, but good with the other. Kind of like Tori Spelling situation. My dad built our family's wealth and died, leaving everything to mom. Mom has always been manipulative, difficult and envious of the relationship my dad and I had. In the end, I'd like to inherit something to remember my dad. I don't want anything of my mom's (not even jewelry, or should I say, especially not jewelry?). So, to be honest, I don't know what she'll do. I cannot ask her anything of my dad's, she'd never give me.

Not OP, but I can relate to this. My dad had no idea she would not follow his wishes with money or that she would try to manipulate me with things like me wanting certain photos with dad. Keep in mind, she always made duplicate copies when getting photos developed or some object of dad's that is meaningless to her and not worth any money, but means something to me. I had to let go. My dad is wish me in spirit. I feel like I still have a relationship with him even though he is no longer living. That has been a gift. She can't take that away from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that oftentimes the child has an unpleasant relationship with one parent, but good with the other. Kind of like Tori Spelling situation. My dad built our family's wealth and died, leaving everything to mom. Mom has always been manipulative, difficult and envious of the relationship my dad and I had. In the end, I'd like to inherit something to remember my dad. I don't want anything of my mom's (not even jewelry, or should I say, especially not jewelry?). So, to be honest, I don't know what she'll do. I cannot ask her anything of my dad's, she'd never give me.

Not OP, but I can relate to this. My dad had no idea she would not follow his wishes with money or that she would try to manipulate me with things like me wanting certain photos with dad. Keep in mind, she always made duplicate copies when getting photos developed or some object of dad's that is meaningless to her and not worth any money, but means something to me. I had to let go. My dad is wish me in spirit. I feel like I still have a relationship with him even though he is no longer living. That has been a gift. She can't take that away from me.

I'm the PP and I so relate to you, stranger. All the material doesn't matter in the end. People like the OP and our moms will never understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because most parents know that there’s no such thing as an estrangement for “no reason” no matter what they say to their friends. Not cutting the kids out of the will is the guilt.

Tired of that constant narrative- always the parent's fault. It really isn't quite a lot of the time. Everyone comes up with the same lines- trauma, narcissism, etc. These are such buzz/therapy speak words now. With the exception of abject abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism/ substance abuse, or neglect, which, sure- it does happen, most of the time it's a lot of really spoiled brats nitpicking over dumb things. I say that as a person who has contemporaries who have gone no contact with their parents (another buzz word) for the slightest of reasons. Tired of hearing about it. So, yeah, cut them off. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s really the most you can do if your adult child doesn’t want to have a relationship with you.

You chose to have your kids. They didn’t choose to be born.

They can decide what they want to do about you. You have to try to always be there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want to die knowing I did that and knowing the strife it would cause between my kids. No way, no how.

This!! When I’m gone I want my kids to be there for eachother. I’m not about to drive such a wedge between them.

[Anonymous]

I hope to leave a legacy of unconditional love and equality. I also get along with my kids and if issues come up I will get therapy to deal with my part. I will make it clear to my kids I hope the money will provide a buffer as they face challenges like medical illnesses and I hope they will use to enjoy life while also making sure they can pass some on the the next generation. My kids are good humans, but if one were petty and played games with the money I passed down and was not equal with the grandchildren, I might haunt them, but that's just me .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's how you go from standoffish to nonexistent

well put.