Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

SHE cheated and she is divorcing you.

TELL KIDS THE TRUTH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

When the woman cheats usually the husband files for divorce---unless she has a cheatee who actually agreed to marry her (or she believes that he will)--then she files. A lot of time she finds out he won't commit too late.

This is irrelevant. The question is do you traumatize your children and weaponize them, or do you prioritize their well being? Do you fixate on your anger and betrayal or do you work through that on your own and do everything to support a loving relationship with both parents? Because that’s best for the children.

Also, one of these kids is 10. I know a lot of 10 year olds who have a sense of how reproduction works, but don’t know the mechanics of sex.

OP didn’t mention any kind of abuse. Cheating happens for many reasons and it’s always a betrayal. But it doesn’t on its own make the other parent a monster. Punishing the other parent of your children is a no-win situation.

You are correct in one aspect: her betrayal. When she cheated, she cheated on her poor kids too. The decision to traumatize her family was hers alone.

Maybe through couples therapy, OP could have forgiven her.

But she is choosing to, yet again, traumatize her kids. Her choice, not his.

OP: she’s continually serving you a sh!+ sandwich. Zero reason for you to eat it.

The children have the right to know who destroyed their childhood by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

When the woman cheats usually the husband files for divorce---unless she has a cheatee who actually agreed to marry her (or she believes that he will)--then she files. A lot of time she finds out he won't commit too late.

It is actually not uncommon. When cheaters are so blindsided by their affairs they act like teenagers. This could the standard case of a woman leaving her husband to be with someone else. Sadly that’s not uncommon. My mom did that to my that. But karma hit her so hard. Her AP who she later married divorced her. Her kids want nothing to do with her. She is now old, bitter, angry and depressed. Men are not always the guilty partners. This forum often make it seems like all these divorced women are always the victims.

[Anonymous]

OP you hit the jackpot because you don’t have to waste your time to listen to her excuses about her cheating. I wish every single cheater went ahead and filed for divorce. People who try to stay with cheaters have some very serious self esteem issues. When friends ask you tell them she cheated and filed for divorce as a result.

Now regarding your kids here is what I don’t understand and someone please fill me in on this. Your kids are 10 and 13, they will be absolutely fine if both you INDEPENDENTLY raise them well with love and support. The reasons for your divorce is absolutely irrelevant for them. Just tell them you are divorcing and reassure them that they will be fine. Adults should not be wasting time telling children about their stupid marital issues. Most of us honestly are doing a terrible job with our spouses even though we are doing a good job with our kids. So spare them any details and they will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anything is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret protecting my XH b/c I've been keeping his lies (the truth) from my kids which makes me feel like I'm a liar. I wish we'd told them the truth from the beginning.

Yep. People are missing this. I have a relationship with my children. They saw me heartbroken. They saw their dad move out. I wasn’t going to continue the habit of gaslighting others so protect my abusive ex- and that included our kids.

I'm a mom who kept Dad's lies and cheating a secret - for 15+ years now. During that time, the kids had a reasonably good relationship with their Dad but for the fact that he took no custody, often cancelled visitation, and ultimately married a woman for her money (what he told them) and sometimes cancelled significant events with them and made it clear in other ways that he was not their priority.

I regret keeping the infidelity a secret. They couldn't have understood it when we separated, because they were both under 5, but at a some point it would have been better for them to know. When kids don't know why something happened, they often fill in the blanks with their own answers which tend to be extremely negative and self-blaming. When DS was young, I know he was really puzzled by his Dad's abandonment and negligence and took it as a reflection that there was something wrong with himself. I think it would have been helpful if I had been able to disclose the infidelity and essentially say, "look, this is a long pattern of your Dad's -- he isn't really able to empathize with other people and because of that he does what is in his self-interest not yours. I don't ever really see him changing or being able to stop that. I know that's really hurtful to you, and I think you are a great kid and deserve more from your Dad. But, it's important to realize that he's like that because of a flaw in him due to his own genes and environment growing up (mom was an alcoholic, and both he and his mom have serious mental illness), and he is not like that to you because of anything you did or your inherit worthiness. So, my advice is to take what aspects of a positive relationship he is able to offer and find other fatherly support from your uncles, grandparents, other family and family of friends.

Now that my kids are older, and they have experienced their own romantic relationships, each of them got into relationships that were emotionally abusive in different ways, and, from my perspective, that is because they normalized dysfunctional aspects of their family of origin life -- both their Dad's abandonment and neglect and my normalization of his abusive behavior towards me in order to do the things advised, "co-parent, not argue in front of the kids" so as to provide them some semblance of a family. That trade off (normalizing him) had profound negative consequences.

In retrospect, it would have been better to parallel parent, grey rock him, and be honest and draw boundaries (even in front of the kids) when his behavior was bad.

So you divorced when the kids were 5 yo and they were STILL negatively affected by their self centered a-hole father to the point where they ended up in abusive relationships as adults?

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

You always do what is best for the kids. Tell them together. And I’m sure you have your flaws as well that led to a divorce. Nobody is ever blameless even when someone else cheated. Take responsibility for your actions, do what is best for your kids, learn from the breakdown of your marriage and find a way to be happy - that is the best form of “revenge” and the only way to live with yourself. My father cheated but we had no idea until we were adults. My parents told us together and we did family counseling. Knowing about the cheating as a kid would have made the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me AND initiated the divorce. I haven’t told my kids a thing. I’m not gonna stoop that low. Maybe someday they will figure it out. They were teens when it happened and young adults now. He didn’t end up with his affair partner and now he’s alone anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me AND initiated the divorce. I haven’t told my kids a thing. I’m not gonna stoop that low. Maybe someday they will figure it out. They were teens when it happened and young adults now. He didn’t end up with his affair partner and now he’s alone anyway.

Why do we keep underestimating the resiliency of kids? It’s often the people still married (happily nobody knows…) who keep telling people about the earth shattering problems that divorced children will face. I wish my parents divorced. They supposedly “stayed for the kids”’ worst home environment I grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

When the woman cheats usually the husband files for divorce---unless she has a cheatee who actually agreed to marry her (or she believes that he will)--then she files. A lot of time she finds out he won't commit too late.

It is actually not uncommon. When cheaters are so blindsided by their affairs they act like teenagers. This could the standard case of a woman leaving her husband to be with someone else. Sadly that’s not uncommon. My mom did that to my that. But karma hit her so hard. Her AP who she later married divorced her. Her kids want nothing to do with her. She is now old, bitter, angry and depressed. Men are not always the guilty partners. This forum often make it seems like all these divorced women are always the victims.

This is happening to a friend right now. She relentlessly and ruthlessly cheated on her husband while keeping up the “happy homemaker” persona. We all warned her. It eventually exploded in her face. Teens want nothing to do with her. Husband filed. She’s going through hard times financially now.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely want to be there FOR THEM when they hear the news. Seriously, don't screw up by not making sure you're there to comfort and reassure them, and to make sure that she doesn't misconstrue things. She's already proven she can't be trusted to do what's in the best interest, so don't give her a free pass to mess things up even more without any oversight.

Later on, be careful to not gaslight them by protecting her. They'll start to see the personality flaws that made her cheat and blow up her family. Don't deny that what they see is real. Let them know, at that point, who she really is. But that's years down the line. For now, just pray that she won't make it obvious that she's with someone else already by trying to move them into her AP's house during her custody times. That's when you REALLY have problems, especially if you have girls. My BF is in this situation. His ex lives with her latest boyfriend (her AP dropped her) so his daughters have to be in some weird dude's house when they're with their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The children have the right to know who destroyed their childhood by choice.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

It is hurtful to know your parent is an Ahole. Someone who would cheat and thereby wreck their marriage is a bad parent. It really emphasizes that they don't love you, not enough to be faithful to your parent and your family. Kids don't want to believe they have a bad parent. They want and need to be able to fully love both of their parents.

If you care more about your kids than your anger and your pride, you will allow them to believe that this is a no fault situation.

When they are older you can decide whether to tell them the truth.
If you feel your relationship with them is suffering because they blame you, talk to your ex about the fact that you need to share more information with the kids so you aren't the one taking the blame.
But meanwhile, suck it up for their sakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sir, please lawyer up in a real way. This is only the beginning. I’m worried for you.

Yes, especially if you are in virginia and can prove the adultery. It's a crime in Virginia and it will affect the financial settlement if you can prove it. At the very least you can leverage the adultery in negotiations for the settlement.

Do not take advice from non lawyers OP

[Anonymous]

I am a grown person and I still am disgusted by my cheating parent. Mostly because to this very day they will not acknowledge the truth of what they did, and they never apologized. They want to pretend they were always a good person and a good parent. I do love them and it would be appreciated if they could acknowledge that they did some really messed up sh*t that really hurt everyone else involved.

Ignorance would be bliss.