Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

It’s not about you or her it’s about the children. When they get older they will know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...

It's every parent's "burden" (I would say "responsibility") to protect their children from all kinds of things.

When one parent is doing harmful things, it's all the more important for the other parent to prioritize the children's well-being. That is why. Oh, you say, but that burden is just toooo haaaard? Soooo haaaard to be a good father to children who really, really need a good parent right now? Look, if you entered into parenthood thinking you'd always have a wife who's willing to put the kids first and you wouldn't have to do any really difficult parenting conversations or make any major sacrifices of your own well-being, well clearly you thought wrong. Time to step up for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Take the high road and protect your kids. If you tell them together and they ask why I'd let your wife answer it given she is the one who filed. She won't tell the truth but at some point the truth will come out especially if she maintains a relationship with her AP.

[Anonymous]

IIf you tell the kids she cheated, she'll probably tell them you did X, Y, and Z bad things. Do you think that's in the kids' best interest?

The more awful you claim your wife is, the more the children need you to protect them. And the more awful she is, the worse it is that you want her to tell them without you there so that she can say literally whatever she wants. It's weird that you can't see that. I think you're just avoiding the conversation because it upsets you.

Carry the burden so they don't have to. They can have one selfish parent, or they can have two. It's your choice.

Sincerely, a person whose mother cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

I just met you and I already understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's in the best interest of the children to shield them from the details for now.

And because you are both divorcing. It's not like she's getting divorced and you're staying married.

Agree. And I’m in the thick of it now. Spouse left and wanted to tell the kids it was a mutual decision. I wouldn’t agree to that, but have no issue with saying “we” are divorcing. Because we are.

In hindsight, it was just hair-splitting on my part. I was angry and hurt and resented being told what to say. But we both knew I wouldn’t burden the kids with the truth, so my creative wordsmithing was useless wheel spinning. I hate that it feels like I am protecting him, but I have to remind myself that it’s really about protecting the kids.

You aren't protecting the kids. They probably know.

They probably do. It isn’t hard to see that mom is sad and dad is completely MIA. But I don’t want to end up in court for accusations of parental alienation, so I’m doing the best that I can.

Is the PP the OP?

Nope – that PP was me, I am definitely not the OP. The “you aren’t protecting the kids” person was responding to my earlier post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

Guess his bullying his wife and kids will get stopped now by the divorce.

His victim hat is totally see through though. I don’t wanna divorce! She cheated! I don’t wanna divorce still!

Ever wonder why a bully don’t want a divorce?

Quite the puzzle. Get cheated on and still don’t want the divorce.

Because divorcing a hoe wife is expensive.

[Anonymous]

My mom is completely bats**t crazy, neglectful, and emotionally abusive, and to this day I am grateful that my dad never said anything bad about her. When I asked why they divorced, he just said "well, I wanted it to work out but it didn't" and things like that. I only knew that my mom was the one who filed because my mom told us.

I don't know that there is a right or wrong answer but really good parents spare their kids from the bad things their spouses did.

[Anonymous]

I regret protecting my XH b/c I've been keeping his lies (the truth) from my kids which makes me feel like I'm a liar. I wish we'd told them the truth from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

Guess his bullying his wife and kids will get stopped now by the divorce.

His victim hat is totally see through though. I don’t wanna divorce! She cheated! I don’t wanna divorce still!

Ever wonder why a bully don’t want a divorce?

Quite the puzzle. Get cheated on and still don’t want the divorce.

Because divorcing a hoe wife is expensive.

It may not just be about the money. Could be social circle/appearances. He could be a lawyer himself, so not worried about the financial burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret protecting my XH b/c I've been keeping his lies (the truth) from my kids which makes me feel like I'm a liar. I wish we'd told them the truth from the beginning.

Yep. People are missing this. I have a relationship with my children. They saw me heartbroken. They saw their dad move out. I wasn’t going to continue the habit of gaslighting others so protect my abusive ex- and that included our kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, what was the point in posting this if you weren't willing to at least respond to a few requests for clarification?

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of nonsense here other than the people saying be honest.

I’d just tell them when you have them. If they ask say…well your mom had an affair and cheated. And they move on. If they ask why their mom decided to ride someone else’s D tell them it’s not your place to say. Don’t insult her or anything . But I’d also say that betrayal is something no one should ever have to put up with in regards to a relationship. And teach them they’re better than to be in a relationship with someone who cheats

Then you set the example by dropping your white if a wife like a bag of dog poop and show your kids how moving on and living life to the fullest is what you do when the your wife fumbles you like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

"It takes two to want to be married. Mommy doesn't want to be married anymore, so we are divorcing."

That's it. If they ask why, then it's hers to answer.

I went through this with a 16-year-old daughter, though I don't think my x was cheating. She just quit.

Daughter asked her why, and she said she just didn't want to anymore. It was awful, and terribly sad. Their relationship is only just getting better after a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret protecting my XH b/c I've been keeping his lies (the truth) from my kids which makes me feel like I'm a liar. I wish we'd told them the truth from the beginning.

Yep. People are missing this. I have a relationship with my children. They saw me heartbroken. They saw their dad move out. I wasn’t going to continue the habit of gaslighting others so protect my abusive ex- and that included our kids.

I'm a mom who kept Dad's lies and cheating a secret - for 15+ years now. During that time, the kids had a reasonably good relationship with their Dad but for the fact that he took no custody, often cancelled visitation, and ultimately married a woman for her money (what he told them) and sometimes cancelled significant events with them and made it clear in other ways that he was not their priority.

I regret keeping the infidelity a secret. They couldn't have understood it when we separated, because they were both under 5, but at a some point it would have been better for them to know. When kids don't know why something happened, they often fill in the blanks with their own answers which tend to be extremely negative and self-blaming. When DS was young, I know he was really puzzled by his Dad's abandonment and negligence and took it as a reflection that there was something wrong with himself. I think it would have been helpful if I had been able to disclose the infidelity and essentially say, "look, this is a long pattern of your Dad's -- he isn't really able to empathize with other people and because of that he does what is in his self-interest not yours. I don't ever really see him changing or being able to stop that. I know that's really hurtful to you, and I think you are a great kid and deserve more from your Dad. But, it's important to realize that he's like that because of a flaw in him due to his own genes and environment growing up (mom was an alcoholic, and both he and his mom have serious mental illness), and he is not like that to you because of anything you did or your inherit worthiness. So, my advice is to take what aspects of a positive relationship he is able to offer and find other fatherly support from your uncles, grandparents, other family and family of friends.

Now that my kids are older, and they have experienced their own romantic relationships, each of them got into relationships that were emotionally abusive in different ways, and, from my perspective, that is because they normalized dysfunctional aspects of their family of origin life -- both their Dad's abandonment and neglect and my normalization of his abusive behavior towards me in order to do the things advised, "co-parent, not argue in front of the kids" so as to provide them some semblance of a family. That trade off (normalizing him) had profound negative consequences.

In retrospect, it would have been better to parallel parent, grey rock him, and be honest and draw boundaries (even in front of the kids) when his behavior was bad.