Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

The first thing OP needs to do is get a paternity test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

And she can tell them that it is a mutual decision to her because he failed to keep certain promises leaving her with no other option but to divorce.

Trying to place responsibility and blame here is going to backfire at this time, and the children will look at both of them as selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

And she can tell them that it is a mutual decision to her because he failed to keep certain promises leaving her with no other option but to divorce.

Trying to place responsibility and blame here is going to backfire at this time, and the children will look at both of them as selfish.

Gross. Can’t believe all the cheating apologists on this board.

[Anonymous]

Just do what you want. Who cares you are divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

Guess his bullying his wife and kids will get stopped now by the divorce.

His victim hat is totally see through though. I don’t wanna divorce! She cheated! I don’t wanna divorce still!

Ever wonder why a bully don’t want a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Well, if you would rather be a crappy dad, it is your choice. But the fact that you are considering anything other than what is best for your kids in this makes you a pretty horrible person in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

This. If she divorces after an affair it’s because something was wrong in that marriage. Otherwise she would have kept the affair quiet and stayed in the marriage.

Or she got caught and her life imploded and she realizes that her husband will never see her the same way again. Divorce is easier for a truly avoidant person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

Well, one thing you should NOT do is weaponize her behavior with them. They don't need to know the details. Although I think it's fair for you to tell them to ask her if they want to know "why."

They'll deduce it on their own eventually. Don't be the bad guy and give them TMI.

-- Signed, another father whose whore of a wife cheated and I took the high road with the kids. Now they're in college and their relationship with their mother is more fraught and ours is solid. Not that it's a competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sir, please lawyer up in a real way. This is only the beginning. I’m worried for you.

Yes, especially if you are in virginia and can prove the adultery. It's a crime in Virginia and it will affect the financial settlement if you can prove it. At the very least you can leverage the adultery in negotiations for the settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...

For sure you don’t have to protect her, but you have to protect the kids, and telling the kids will hurt their relationship with their mom. They deserve good relationships with both parents and sharing this information will make it very hard for them to have that.

Usually someone who cheats is going to skew things to make the kids like them and hate the other parent.

Yeah, there's often revisionist history happening in the mind of the cheater. They come to regret that later, or at least pay for it, but in the near term this is pretty common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

This. If she divorces after an affair it’s because something was wrong in that marriage. Otherwise she would have kept the affair quiet and stayed in the marriage.

Or she got caught and her life imploded and she realizes that her husband will never see her the same way again. Divorce is easier for a truly avoidant person.

Or husband didn’t want a cheating ho for a wife. Plenty of women with no plans to divorce think they’ll never get caught.

[Anonymous]

I’m sad for your kids.

This news is life changing for them. You don’t want to be there for them when DW tells them?

You should both be there.

As for the cheating & sharing it, ONLY think about them. Would sharing this info make their lives better right now? If not, don’t share. Think about making their lives as good as possible - rather than making DW’s life as difficult as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?