Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not put this burden on your children. What your children need to hear is that you and their mother no longer feel the love that sustains a marriage and that you will be divorcing. They need to know that it has absolutely nothing to do with them, and that both of you love them. Answer questions about how the kids’ lives will change, but no details about the reasons for the split.

It’s natural to be angry, but your kids come first. You’re going to hate this part, but do your absolute best to reach an amicable settlement and co-parent amicably. Is it fair? Yes. It’s fair to your kids. Ultimately you will have a better relationship with them and although in the shorter term you’ll be mad, long term you will save yourself and the kids a lot of pain and angst.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

This. If she divorces after an affair it’s because something was wrong in that marriage. Otherwise she would have kept the affair quiet and stayed in the marriage.

Or she got caught and her life imploded and she realizes that her husband will never see her the same way again. Divorce is easier for a truly avoidant person.

Or husband didn’t want a cheating ho for a wife. Plenty of women with no plans to divorce think they’ll never get caught.

This. They have all the amenities, big new house, etc., get bored and buy into all their fellow friends BS about “happy wife, happy life”, “cheating makes me a better mother” crap -and then BAM! They get exposed and they completely destroy their kids.

Real banner mothers there.

[Anonymous]

If these kids were 7 or 8 I'd have a different answer, but at 10 and 13, you can tell them the truth. If you say, "Mom has a boyfriend and didn't want to be married any longer". I actually think, "Mom cheated on me" is fine. Better to speak the frank truth once, and then focus on being calm and not venting to them in the future.

It's always the guilty party that thinks the children shouldn't know the truth

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through. I was in your exact position about 10 months ago. I am the DW and DH cheated and blew up the family.

It feels like the most unfair thing that the person who did this, and is seemingly walking off into the sunset with AP, can also hide behind what is right for the children. But several PPs have laid it out well. That "you" will need to be the person who focuses on what is best for the kids.

My kids were 7 and 11. I spoke to two counselors who both said to keep the adult reasons for the split out of the discussion for now. To tell them that parents are having problems they currently cannot solve, are separating, and here is how their life will change or not change. That kids need to mainly know the logistics and how they are loved. I presume over time they will be old enough to understand more.

It angers me so much sometimes but I vent to friends and loved ones instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t a good parent if you want to unload your anger at your spouse on a 10 and 13 year old child by telling them things about your marriage that they are too young to be burdened with. Regardless of what went down in your marriage, if your wife isn’t physically, psychologically or sexually abusing your children then you should be encouraging and fostering a loving relationship between your kids and their mom.

The fact that you would start this thread and ask this question tells me everything I need to know about why your wife sought love elsewhere. I’ll pray for your kids that you behave like a mature adult and shut your mouth about your wife’s infidelity. There is a time for your kids to know and it’s not for about a decade.

Take a parenting class. Read a child development and psychology text. Become a better man and parent than you are right now today. This is not about YOU. Put your kids first.

You are an even worse parent if you blow up your children's lives by destroying the bedrock of their stability via cheating.

NP. Yes, the cheater is the worse parent.

However, the cheated-on spouse is still a really terrible parent if he or she gives the kids an inappropriate level of information in order to punish the cheating parent.

OP, your kids deserve at least one parent who is putting them first. Be that parent. You’re not protecting her, you’re protecting them. Find something honest to say that doesn’t put the burden of your adult relationship on them. Please, please talk to a therapist. You have a tough road ahead of you, and you deserve the support and guidance… And your kids deserve a dad who is able to focus on them and not his own pain. That will be much easier to do if you have outside support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through. I was in your exact position about 10 months ago. I am the DW and DH cheated and blew up the family.

It feels like the most unfair thing that the person who did this, and is seemingly walking off into the sunset with AP, can also hide behind what is right for the children. But several PPs have laid it out well. That "you" will need to be the person who focuses on what is best for the kids.

My kids were 7 and 11. I spoke to two counselors who both said to keep the adult reasons for the split out of the discussion for now. To tell them that parents are having problems they currently cannot solve, are separating, and here is how their life will change or not change. That kids need to mainly know the logistics and how they are loved. I presume over time they will be old enough to understand more.

It angers me so much sometimes but I vent to friends and loved ones instead.

Yep. They need ONE parent that actually cares about them and puts their needs first. Unlike the loser cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If these kids were 7 or 8 I'd have a different answer, but at 10 and 13, you can tell them the truth. If you say, "Mom has a boyfriend and didn't want to be married any longer". I actually think, "Mom cheated on me" is fine. Better to speak the frank truth once, and then focus on being calm and not venting to them in the future.

It's always the guilty party that thinks the children shouldn't know the truth

What? No. Your children are not your BFFs or confidants. Your feelings are not their burden. The details of your relationship are not their burden. Only selfish parents would impose that burden on their kids. OP’s kids already have one selfish parent, their mom. if dad does this, it will truly mess them up. His desire to hurt her by making her look bad to them is not more important than their well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

No. The topic is comms with the tween kids during the separation period and then divorce.

The kids already know if their parents have had a real relationship and partnership over the last several years. If one or both parents acted out and now filed it won’t be shocking.

[Anonymous]

You’ll have plenty of time to tell your kids whatever you want. And so will she.

But now is not that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through. I was in your exact position about 10 months ago. I am the DW and DH cheated and blew up the family.

It feels like the most unfair thing that the person who did this, and is seemingly walking off into the sunset with AP, can also hide behind what is right for the children. But several PPs have laid it out well. That "you" will need to be the person who focuses on what is best for the kids.

My kids were 7 and 11. I spoke to two counselors who both said to keep the adult reasons for the split out of the discussion for now. To tell them that parents are having problems they currently cannot solve, are separating, and here is how their life will change or not change. That kids need to mainly know the logistics and how they are loved. I presume over time they will be old enough to understand more.

It angers me so much sometimes but I vent to friends and loved ones instead.

Yep. They need ONE parent that actually cares about them and puts their needs first. Unlike the loser cheaters.

Exactly. Thank goodness Dad is the default parent and such a good primary caretaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through. I was in your exact position about 10 months ago. I am the DW and DH cheated and blew up the family.

It feels like the most unfair thing that the person who did this, and is seemingly walking off into the sunset with AP, can also hide behind what is right for the children. But several PPs have laid it out well. That "you" will need to be the person who focuses on what is best for the kids.

My kids were 7 and 11. I spoke to two counselors who both said to keep the adult reasons for the split out of the discussion for now. To tell them that parents are having problems they currently cannot solve, are separating, and here is how their life will change or not change. That kids need to mainly know the logistics and how they are loved. I presume over time they will be old enough to understand more.

It angers me so much sometimes but I vent to friends and loved ones instead.

So the marriage wasn’t already blown up with verbal abuse, absentee parenting, neglect and avoidant behaviors? Or one parent bidding for attention or co-parenting?

Just out of the blue there was an affair, during a normal healthy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Dad here.

Dad did not decide to break up the marriage. Mom destroyed the marriage.

Marriage is breaking up because Mom is divorcing Dad.

Mom will have her lover moved in the next day or alternatively be sleeping with a lot of guys immediately.

Dad will be broken up from the marriage destroyed by Mom.

Maybe they had a fantastic marriage and the affair happened, maybe not.
Lots of possibilities here. Not that any of them matter for having a sane separation and divorce period.

[Anonymous]

There's no point in automatically taking his side when we know nothing about their *marriage* beyond what what he said about her. And I would say the same if it were a woman who wrote the same post.

He's giving the impression that she cheated, she filed and she's being vindictive on top of all of that by wanting the kids to think it's both their idea to divorce, and he did nothing wrong in the marriage to cause her to be this vindictive. This is a level of selfishness on the part of the wife that doesn't happen unless she was already ticked off at him.

Unless he comes back to this post and says he never cheated on her or in any way neglected the marriage, I'm not buying him as innocent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Dad here.

Dad did not decide to break up the marriage. Mom destroyed the marriage.

Marriage is breaking up because Mom is divorcing Dad.

Mom will have her lover moved in the next day or alternatively be sleeping with a lot of guys immediately.

Dad will be broken up from the marriage destroyed by Mom.

Maybe they had a fantastic marriage and the affair happened, maybe not.
Lots of possibilities here. Not that any of them matter for having a sane separation and divorce period.

Exactly. Clearly the marriage was great and working well for OP. That’s all that matters.