Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re letting your emotions take control.

I divorced my Dh. He was abusive. I’ve never told my children their father was an abusive a$$hole towards me. I wanted to, but what good what that be for them to have confusing feelings towards their dad.

Your relationship with your wife is separate from your kids’ relationship with her.

I do think you should tell your kids the truth here, but when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

It can be, but often it is just very selfish people grabbing opportunity. It’s what cheaters tell themselves and others to try to justify affairs. They will make up all kinds of crap.

[Anonymous]

Because it's either "My parents divorced and my dad did his best to avoid burdening me with inappropriate information. I later found out that my mom had an affair but my dad made some mistakes too." Or it's "My mom cheated and my dad was so mad he rubbed it in my face to get back at her. I felt like he was using me and my feelings against her. They're both awful, messed up, immature people." Which do you choose?

[Anonymous]

Troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's in the best interest of the children to shield them from the details for now.

And because you are both divorcing. It's not like she's getting divorced and you're staying married.

Agree. And I’m in the thick of it now. Spouse left and wanted to tell the kids it was a mutual decision. I wouldn’t agree to that, but have no issue with saying “we” are divorcing. Because we are.

In hindsight, it was just hair-splitting on my part. I was angry and hurt and resented being told what to say. But we both knew I wouldn’t burden the kids with the truth, so my creative wordsmithing was useless wheel spinning. I hate that it feels like I am protecting him, but I have to remind myself that it’s really about protecting the kids.

You aren't protecting the kids. They probably know.

They probably do. It isn’t hard to see that mom is sad and dad is completely MIA. But I don’t want to end up in court for accusations of parental alienation, so I’m doing the best that I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

Because they need you there during one of the hardest conversations of their lives so far.

Your post is all about what's best for you, and your desire to impose consequences on your wife. You, you, you. If you had a reason that her telling them alone was *in the best interests of the children* that would be different. Try to focus on that.

[Anonymous]

I think you don’t want to drag your kids through the blame game which would end up sounding like:
you had an affair
you were a lousy husband
You did x
You didn’t do y
and on and on…

I think it’s not fair to put that on kids. You guys are the adults and these are adult issues you need to handle them so the kids don’t have to.

Also have a family therapist for the kids to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce?

I think you have to tell them together the first time, "we are divorcing" because you want to be there so that you can answer questions and reassure them that you both love them, they didn't do anything wrong to cause your divorce and lay out briefly what kind of schedule/housing/school is in their future.

If you let her tell them alone, you have no f'ing clue what she will say; she will be setting the tone for how the kids view the divorce. I don't know about your cheating wife's emotional maturity, sensitivity, honesty and empathy levels, but I *definitely* knew my then DH didn't have the emotional skills or reliability not to F up telling the kids on his own after divorce.

I insisted we go to therapy for 1 session and hash out a mutually agreed message and sit down together and deliver it. I also insisted that he had to open the discussion and deliver the message, but that I would be there to answer questions and agree if the message was delivered as agreed upon. During therapy, the therapist said we should say we didn't love each other any more. I absolutely refused to say that. Instead, we explained to DC (then 5) that we were ending our relationship as husband and wife because we didn't agree about how to live together any more. (skipping over the "he wouldn't agree to keep his D in his pants as promised part). We explained that even though we were no longer be husband and wife and live together, each of us would always be Mom and Dad and that DC would always get to spend time with each of us.

Then DH did open the conversation and deliver the agreed upon message, and I supported by also talking about who will live where and when DC would see Dad. Then DH, of course, looked extremely uncomfortable about the whole convo, and when DC got up and ran away crying from the table, and I followed her, then DH took the opportunity to slip out of the house and leave me holding the bag on his mess.

It was wrong, but, honestly, given all that he did, I had no reason to expect better of him. I was able to provide more explanation about divorce (just like friends parents have to agree on things like how to spend time and money, where to live, what kind of friends to have, etc. Sometimes when parents can't agree about important things, they get help from a therapist to talk and try and agree and we had done that but we really couldn't agree and so we decided to separate. That was loose enough to not be a lie but also not to blame now exDH. And since DC was only 5, she never asked for more detail about the why.

I always promised that if either DC ever asked (other DC was 18 mos old at time) why we broke up or if he cheated, I would answer honestly. They are now college age and have never asked. Over the years, they saw for themselves that their Dad was not a reliable guy. I think that was painful for them, but I don't think that my creating some kind of Potemkin person would have been helpful.

They do still have a relatively positive relationship with him, but they have learned the hard way the boundaries of their relationship with him and how much they can rely on him.

[Anonymous]

Do not put this burden on your children. What your children need to hear is that you and their mother no longer feel the love that sustains a marriage and that you will be divorcing. They need to know that it has absolutely nothing to do with them, and that both of you love them. Answer questions about how the kids’ lives will change, but no details about the reasons for the split.

It’s natural to be angry, but your kids come first. You’re going to hate this part, but do your absolute best to reach an amicable settlement and co-parent amicably. Is it fair? Yes. It’s fair to your kids. Ultimately you will have a better relationship with them and although in the shorter term you’ll be mad, long term you will save yourself and the kids a lot of pain and angst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re letting your emotions take control.

I divorced my Dh. He was abusive. I’ve never told my children their father was an abusive a$$hole towards me. I wanted to, but what good what that be for them to have confusing feelings towards their dad.

Your relationship with your wife is separate from your kids’ relationship with her.

When someone cheats it hurts everyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, what's the financial situation? I mean is she going to rake you over the coals?

[Anonymous]

The 13 yo probably already knows the reason for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

I straight up told my kids that daddy has had other girlfriends and daddy has left us and that mommy tried really hard to keep our family together. They deserve to know the truth.

[Anonymous]

You kids are boys or girls? The 13 year old, if a girl, I'd be worried about the impact of telling too much.

[Anonymous]

The kids are old enough to notice hostility between the two of you.