Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

You aren’t a good parent if you want to unload your anger at your spouse on a 10 and 13 year old child by telling them things about your marriage that they are too young to be burdened with. Regardless of what went down in your marriage, if your wife isn’t physically, psychologically or sexually abusing your children then you should be encouraging and fostering a loving relationship between your kids and their mom.

The fact that you would start this thread and ask this question tells me everything I need to know about why your wife sought love elsewhere. I’ll pray for your kids that you behave like a mature adult and shut your mouth about your wife’s infidelity. There is a time for your kids to know and it’s not for about a decade.

Take a parenting class. Read a child development and psychology text. Become a better man and parent than you are right now today. This is not about YOU. Put your kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...

Not telling your kids that the divorce is because their mom cheated is not protecting her. It's protecting the kids. Try to keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think cheated?

[Anonymous]

she* cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...

OP, you are clearly hurting, and I think you are feeling a burden because that hurt is wanting to be seen. I would give you a hug if I could.

But this is not about protecting her. It is about protecting your kids because this is information they don't need right now and will be a burden on them. You need understanding and emotional support, but your kids are not the ones to provide it. Perhaps you are feeling a pressure to hold it all together and show no cracks, and at the same time feeling a burden that it is too much to hold it all together.

Find a therapist and let yourself let some of this out. You need time to process what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can say we are divorcing because she cheated.

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t a good parent if you want to unload your anger at your spouse on a 10 and 13 year old child by telling them things about your marriage that they are too young to be burdened with. Regardless of what went down in your marriage, if your wife isn’t physically, psychologically or sexually abusing your children then you should be encouraging and fostering a loving relationship between your kids and their mom.

The fact that you would start this thread and ask this question tells me everything I need to know about why your wife sought love elsewhere. I’ll pray for your kids that you behave like a mature adult and shut your mouth about your wife’s infidelity. There is a time for your kids to know and it’s not for about a decade.

Take a parenting class. Read a child development and psychology text. Become a better man and parent than you are right now today. This is not about YOU. Put your kids first.

You are an even worse parent if you blow up your children's lives by destroying the bedrock of their stability via cheating.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you still living in the same house? I find it hard to believe the kids can't see something is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

I agree. I did not /would not gaslight my children. They don’t need to know the details but “dad decided he wants to live somewhere else” and then they meet the girlfriend - I mean- kids aren’t stupid. Allowing them to build a relationship with their dad that would require me to lie just wasn’t going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think cheated?

+1.

Your thirst fir revenge could backfire on you.

So you tell them that she cheated, and then she explains to them that she cheated because you have been cruel and uncaring towards her. I mean, al she'll have to do is give few negative experiences. Then you will try to defend yourself, and it would turn into " he said, she said". Are you sure you would win if this happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

I agree. I did not /would not gaslight my children. They don’t need to know the details but “dad decided he wants to live somewhere else” and then they meet the girlfriend - I mean- kids aren’t stupid. Allowing them to build a relationship with their dad that would require me to lie just wasn’t going to happen.

It's never that simple. Why stop there? Why did Dad decide to live somewhere else? Should you tell your kids that part too. Or do you stop at the part where you seem to be blameless. There are always two sides to the story: while your side may have more truth to it, are you sure the kids will take your word for it after the cheating spouse has told them their side?

Let the kids find out for themselves who their parents are.

[Anonymous]

OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

This. If she divorces after an affair it’s because something was wrong in that marriage. Otherwise she would have kept the affair quiet and stayed in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

The kids will find out. The kids always find out. They got hurt the moment your wife decided to cheat on the family. You are under no obligation to help her keep this secret, anyone claiming otherwise needs to adjust their thinking. Would they tell someone suffering from physical abuse to protect the abuser so the kids can have a relationship with that person? No. Affairs are an extreme form of psychological abuse, and the fallout hurts an entire generation.

I think that in the moment of telling the kids about the divorce, you probably don’t need to get into specifics. They will want to know how it will impact their lives, schedules, etc. leave it at that. You can say that being married requires both parties to keep certain promises to each other, and that mom couldn’t/wouldn’t and that means you can’t stay married. Acknowledge that you are all sad, and pivot to answering their questions.

[Anonymous]

Team Dad here.

Dad did not decide to break up the marriage. Mom destroyed the marriage.

Marriage is breaking up because Mom is divorcing Dad.

Mom will have her lover moved in the next day or alternatively be sleeping with a lot of guys immediately.

Dad will be broken up from the marriage destroyed by Mom.