Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you both are getting a divorce so this is just semantics. But, it isn’t semantics. Because what you are really saying is “this is all your mom’s fault.” — which may or may not be true.

But if you try to play this blame game with your kids, then you are definitely to blame for the damage to them. You need to get over your anger and think about the kids.

It’s true it’s her fault, she cheated.

They’re old enough, wouldn’t advertise it but if they ask I’d say what happened. Tell then frankly and be honest, they’ll appreciate it in the long run.

Let your ex live with her decision, if she needs to talk to someone maybe she can go talk to the guy she was sleeping with and let you do what you need to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If these kids were 7 or 8 I'd have a different answer, but at 10 and 13, you can tell them the truth. If you say, "Mom has a boyfriend and didn't want to be married any longer". I actually think, "Mom cheated on me" is fine. Better to speak the frank truth once, and then focus on being calm and not venting to them in the future.

It's always the guilty party that thinks the children shouldn't know the truth

Agreed, this is what I’d say. You don’t need to be “mommy has a boyfriend…, I’d just be frank, honest and non-emotional. Just state the facts. They’re old enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are there things are you with respect to this marriage that’d you prefer your kids not know? For their sake? For yours?


How do your kids benefit from knowing the reason? Is the affair really the reason?

Yes the affair is the reason.
And yes the kids can/should learn the truth
Nothing good comes from secrets and lies, even though that’s where cheaters prefer to exist

[Anonymous]

Where is OP?

This thread is fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - are there things are you with respect to this marriage that’d you prefer your kids not know? For their sake? For yours?


How do your kids benefit from knowing the reason? Is the affair really the reason?

Yes the affair is the reason.
And yes the kids can/should learn the truth
Nothing good comes from secrets and lies, even though that’s where cheaters prefer to exist

An affair is not THE reason. Likely MANY reasons.
Kids do not need to know adult business.
They no longer want to be married. No more explanation is needed.
This is ridiculous. "We are getting divorced" is accurate. No blame needed.

Signed,
Divorced (no cheating but massive emotional and financial abuse and sexual coercion that I am not burdening my kids with)

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute. Your wife cheated on you AND wants to divorce you? God damn. Anyways, you are both agreeing to the divorce as in, the marriage is not working out. You want your kids to know the truth, that mommy wants the divorce? Should she also tell the truth, that daddy does not put it down in bed? Stupid, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these kids were 7 or 8 I'd have a different answer, but at 10 and 13, you can tell them the truth. If you say, "Mom has a boyfriend and didn't want to be married any longer". I actually think, "Mom cheated on me" is fine. Better to speak the frank truth once, and then focus on being calm and not venting to them in the future.

It's always the guilty party that thinks the children shouldn't know the truth

Agreed, this is what I’d say. You don’t need to be “mommy has a boyfriend…, I’d just be frank, honest and non-emotional. Just state the facts. They’re old enough

. I agree with this approach as someone whose parents divorced at age 12 due to dad cheating. I knew my dad was trestand it honestly made mead that they lied. I get that they were trying to protect me but their dishonesty made it worse.

So I think somethingike pp suggested is fine.

And you don't have to get into details or bashing
Sorry.op

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.

“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.

Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!

This. If she divorces after an affair it’s because something was wrong in that marriage. Otherwise she would have kept the affair quiet and stayed in the marriage.

Or she got caught and her life imploded and she realizes that her husband will never see her the same way again. Divorce is easier for a truly avoidant person.

Or husband didn’t want a cheating ho for a wife. Plenty of women with no plans to divorce think they’ll never get caught.

This. They have all the amenities, big new house, etc., get bored and buy into all their fellow friends BS about “happy wife, happy life”, “cheating makes me a better mother” crap -and then BAM! They get exposed and they completely destroy their kids.

Real banner mothers there.

Social media is making it much worse. Women expect to have the fake life they see on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

When the woman cheats usually the husband files for divorce---unless she has a cheatee who actually agreed to marry her (or she believes that he will)--then she files. A lot of time she finds out he won't commit too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Because it's in the best interest of the children to shield them from the details for now.

And because you are both divorcing. It's not like she's getting divorced and you're staying married.

Agree. And I’m in the thick of it now. Spouse left and wanted to tell the kids it was a mutual decision. I wouldn’t agree to that, but have no issue with saying “we” are divorcing. Because we are.

In hindsight, it was just hair-splitting on my part. I was angry and hurt and resented being told what to say. But we both knew I wouldn’t burden the kids with the truth, so my creative wordsmithing was useless wheel spinning. I hate that it feels like I am protecting him, but I have to remind myself that it’s really about protecting the kids.

You aren't protecting the kids. They probably know.

They probably do. It isn’t hard to see that mom is sad and dad is completely MIA. But I don’t want to end up in court for accusations of parental alienation, so I’m doing the best that I can.

Is the PP the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t explicitly say he was going to tell his kids their mom cheated. He just said he didn’t want to act like it was a mutual decision. Big difference.

Guess his bullying his wife and kids will get stopped now by the divorce.

His victim hat is totally see through though. I don’t wanna divorce! She cheated! I don’t wanna divorce still!

Ever wonder why a bully don’t want a divorce?

Quite the puzzle. Get cheated on and still don’t want the divorce.

[Anonymous]

They’re prob already legally separated. Or already divorced.

Op needs to heal and move on with his life independently and be a good parent, personal make friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Mom decided she no longer wanted to be married so we are getting a divorce.

Nope.

You can complain and alienate during your custody time the rest of your life.

For now, just keep it simple that things did not work out. Nothing to do with the kids.

Get them a therapist too.

Mom cheats and you think dad should get blamed?

I think there's more to it than he's admitting. It's a bit unusual to be the woman who cheats AND be the one to file for divorce. The cheater usually feels they've made a mistake and wants to work it out with the spouse and for the children. I get the feeling he may have done something in the past and she couldn't get over it.

When the woman cheats usually the husband files for divorce---unless she has a cheatee who actually agreed to marry her (or she believes that he will)--then she files. A lot of time she finds out he won't commit too late.

This is irrelevant. The question is do you traumatize your children and weaponize them, or do you prioritize their well being? Do you fixate on your anger and betrayal or do you work through that on your own and do everything to support a loving relationship with both parents? Because that’s best for the children.

Also, one of these kids is 10. I know a lot of 10 year olds who have a sense of how reproduction works, but don’t know the mechanics of sex.

OP didn’t mention any kind of abuse. Cheating happens for many reasons and it’s always a betrayal. But it doesn’t on its own make the other parent a monster. Punishing the other parent of your children is a no-win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let her do the talking and don't say a word. Afterwards, take your 2 kids out and tell them that you love them and you will always be there for them. Do not mention a single thing about their mom.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...

To protect the kids no mention of cheating .