My mom is upset over Thanksgiving plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team "why can't the parents suck it up for one meal"

This! FFS, they need to grow up and move on. They share a grandchild. They're going to have to share space on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

Yup. She is grateful for scraps.

OP, did your mother suck it up for your wedding, or did she refuse to attend if your father was there? Because I know a lot of divorced parents who will suck it up on occasions that require it (graduations, etc) but given a choice, one of them will minimize time with the other, and for good reason.

Your mom really, really doesn't want to be around your dad, who isn't making you a priority. Why are you so desperate to see him?

Neither parent wanted to deal with the other and stated they wouldn’t show up if the other attended. To avoid all the tension and drama, we just went to the courthouse. Neither were happy about that, but what else could we do?

Then asking to come to Thanksgiving was a power play by your dad, unless he's matured, which I doubt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad come for dinner - No
Dad meet Grandbaby - Yes

Figure something out. Retract any invitation -he thinks- he has. No one gets to "invite" themselves. Grow a spine and deal with it.

He didn't invite himself, he suggested coming over for Thanksgiving and OP agreed to it. This entire conflict is solely because OPs mom is just a big woman-baby

Not wanting to see the ex where you were not expecting them to be present and being bothered by it is not being a woman baby. Mom has offered to stay home. That’s a reasonable response.

[Anonymous]

I am the child of a very acrimonious divorce and generally I am very team 'parents can suck it up' but in this case OP I am giving you some serious side eye.

You KNOW they hate each other. You had plans with your mom established. Why did you not just tell your dad this and figure it out? How long have they been divorced? I would NEVER set MYSELF up to have to hang out with them both on the same day.

There is no best case scenario here, if they both come it will be awkward AF and everyone will be testy. They don't like each other and are open about it and you are actually the one imposing this on THEM instead of the other way around.

My answer would be ENTIRELY different btw if this was some family event like your child's event at school or a graduation or a wedding or christening or birthday where there is a compelling reason for them to both be there at the same time and they are just making it about themselves. But here you are pulling a bait and switch on your mom.

[Anonymous]

They’ve been divorced for over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

Yup. She is grateful for scraps.

OP, did your mother suck it up for your wedding, or did she refuse to attend if your father was there? Because I know a lot of divorced parents who will suck it up on occasions that require it (graduations, etc) but given a choice, one of them will minimize time with the other, and for good reason.

Your mom really, really doesn't want to be around your dad, who isn't making you a priority. Why are you so desperate to see him?

Neither parent wanted to deal with the other and stated they wouldn’t show up if the other attended. To avoid all the tension and drama, we just went to the courthouse. Neither were happy about that, but what else could we do?

Is this you OP? I'm the pp who just said you pulled a bait and switch on your mom but this is like, this is effed up. My parents showed up to my wedding and I told both of them beforehand that if there was even a HINT of drama it would irrevocably damage our relationship.

In this case I would probably not have a relationship with either of them. This is really a step too far, what about your DH's parents? From one child of selfish jerks to another, you need to stop sacrificing your desires for theirs. But you also need to accept that 1) they are never going to mature and 2) it is not your responsibility to make them happy. I was team mom but if they forced you into a courthouse wedding over THEIR drama then honestly you should just start doing what you want and telling them to deal, they both sound like they are not deserving of the care and thoughtfulness you are providing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’ve been divorced for over 20 years.

So they can't handle being at your wedding together, why did you suddenly think Thanksgiving would work? Did your dad actually know your mom was going to be there? If so, why is that ok but the wedding wasn't? Were you trying to pull off some con to get them in the same room? You can't be serious with any of this.

[Anonymous]

Team you. If two adults can't get along, then neither should be invited. This is ridiculous. Sounds like they care more about hating each other than showing a united front for the new grandchild and you. What selfish parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, so Thanksgiving with my dad is a non issue. He’s going to come for Christmas instead.

Great solution. Let your mom know in advance what days you are NOT available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

Yup. She is grateful for scraps.

OP, did your mother suck it up for your wedding, or did she refuse to attend if your father was there? Because I know a lot of divorced parents who will suck it up on occasions that require it (graduations, etc) but given a choice, one of them will minimize time with the other, and for good reason.

Your mom really, really doesn't want to be around your dad, who isn't making you a priority. Why are you so desperate to see him?

Neither parent wanted to deal with the other and stated they wouldn’t show up if the other attended. To avoid all the tension and drama, we just went to the courthouse. Neither were happy about that, but what else could we do?

Is this you OP? I'm the pp who just said you pulled a bait and switch on your mom but this is like, this is effed up. My parents showed up to my wedding and I told both of them beforehand that if there was even a HINT of drama it would irrevocably damage our relationship.

In this case I would probably not have a relationship with either of them. This is really a step too far, what about your DH's parents? From one child of selfish jerks to another, you need to stop sacrificing your desires for theirs. But you also need to accept that 1) they are never going to mature and 2) it is not your responsibility to make them happy. I was team mom but if they forced you into a courthouse wedding over THEIR drama then honestly you should just start doing what you want and telling them to deal, they both sound like they are not deserving of the care and thoughtfulness you are providing them.

But did they “force” OP into a courthouse wedding, or did she do that to prove a point? Whatever the reason, OP did set the drama up for this Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team you. If two adults can't get along, then neither should be invited. This is ridiculous. Sounds like they care more about hating each other than showing a united front for the new grandchild and you. What selfish parents.

It's a dick move to invite your mom and then turn around to invite your dad, knowing full well they hate each other. Who does that? Of course mom bowed out. That would have been ok but then OP was super shocked mom was "upset". It's been 20 years, right? What is shocking about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not have a second lunch with your dad on Friday? Problem solved

This is the obvious solution. You asked your mom first. Having said that, mom would be on the receiving end of a conversation about moving on. I would not be indulging this "can't be in the same room" sh-- going forward. We had a similar conversation the FOUR sets of our divorced parents (some involving infidelity). We simply were done haveing 4 birthdays, Christmases, etc. etc. We'd be having ONE. And you can come or not. But if you do, you will behave or be asked to leave.

Their sh-- is their sh--. I may not like/approve of things they have done to one another, but barring abuse or violence or something really horrible, they are still our parents. (And for infidelity, they do get some slack for moving past it but, at some point, you have ot move past it. Doesn't mean forgive. Or forget. But cope.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your mom's choice to not come if your dad is coming. Don't feel bad.

This. She is acting like a toddler.

No one knows the history here. People have been cheated on, abused, spouses hide finances, whatever. You know your parents don't get along and it is your mom's birthday. The fact dad does a last minute visit (sounds like to see someone else then adds on child +grandchild) and might know mom does Thanksgiving sort of tells you what you need to know. Have you dad come another day. I wouldn't have him around for breakfast because you never know he might not leave and that would cause more issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad come for lunch, mom come for dinner.

what if dad doesn't leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad come for lunch, mom come for dinner.

what if dad doesn't leave?

If it's true that he doesn't want to be in the same room as ex-wife, why wouldn't he? Are we to assume he's changed his tune and is suddenly cool with ex-wife? If he feels differently than he did at the time of the wedding shouldn't he perhaps say something like a big boy?