My mom is upset over Thanksgiving plans

[Anonymous]

Yeah Dad sucks. You had the baby a month ago, and the only day he can come meet his grandchild is on a big holiday, where he then expects you to cook a huge meal for him? This seems like a jerk move, regardless of mom’s issues.

I guess if you have been chasing daddy’s approval for a while, it makes sense to ditch your mom & have dad & stepmom over. Personally I would tell him I already have plans that day, but would love to pick another day for him to visit…like literally, any other day. See how motivated he is to see his daughter & grandchild, vs getting thanksgiving. Where has he been for thanksgiving these last # of years when you have been with your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Dad sucks. You had the baby a month ago, and the only day he can come meet his grandchild is on a big holiday, where he then expects you to cook a huge meal for him? This seems like a jerk move, regardless of mom’s issues.

I guess if you have been chasing daddy’s approval for a while, it makes sense to ditch your mom & have dad & stepmom over. Personally I would tell him I already have plans that day, but would love to pick another day for him to visit…like literally, any other day. See how motivated he is to see his daughter & grandchild, vs getting thanksgiving. Where has he been for thanksgiving these last # of years when you have been with your mom?

This. Op, you already had plans with your mom. That’s really selfish to ditch her when your dad makes plans *later* to be in town. Just see your dad Weds night or Friday. Or Thursday morning for brunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team "why can't the parents suck it up for one meal"

+1. Especially for their daughter who just had a baby.

Please. The parents haven’t been doing a lot of sucking it up all of OPs life why would they start now? OP will have to figure out how to navigate this bc there will be no fairy tale happy reunion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah Dad sucks. You had the baby a month ago, and the only day he can come meet his grandchild is on a big holiday, where he then expects you to cook a huge meal for him? This seems like a jerk move, regardless of mom’s issues.

I guess if you have been chasing daddy’s approval for a while, it makes sense to ditch your mom & have dad & stepmom over. Personally I would tell him I already have plans that day, but would love to pick another day for him to visit…like literally, any other day. See how motivated he is to see his daughter & grandchild, vs getting thanksgiving. Where has he been for thanksgiving these last # of years when you have been with your mom?

This. Op, you already had plans with your mom. That’s really selfish to ditch her when your dad makes plans *later* to be in town. Just see your dad Weds night or Friday. Or Thursday morning for brunch.

+1. You’ve shown your hand to your mom about where exactly she falls in your priorities. I have a dad who does the nonsense yours does. My mom isn’t perfect, but I’m not going to throw the parent who has always been there for me under the bus; Johnny Come Lately Dad can accommodate. Having a newborn is no excuse for living in a fantasyland about how now everyone has to get along. You’re a parent, not a young child…you no longer have the luxury of that kind of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't ask for permission to invite her father.or approval. It's perfectly fine to invite ones parent and current partner for a holiday.

She title her thread mom is upset.

Op, it's ok to let your mom be upset.

She's an adult. She will get over it. Cut the apron strings already

OP also didn't plan to invite her dad. He said he would be there for Thanksgiving. That obliged her to invite him to dinner. It's the height of rudeness. Some of you apparently were raised in barns. The right thing to do is tell dad sorry you have plans but can see you at another time. It's not ok to just let mom be upset about your dick moves. What's wrong with you?

OP wasn't obliged to do anything. She didn't complain about her father. She complained about her mom's emotional blackmail. Learn to read. The worst thing to do in response to emotional blackmail is to give in to it. Her mom doesn't get Thanksgiving priority because she is willing to use blackmail. She can stay home.

That's what Mom is now planning to do. OP is now rethinking the horrible idea to let her dad crash the already planned party.

That's fine. Mom can stay home and sulk. And should. OP can entertain her dad and his gf on Thanksgiving. If the mom changes her mind fine, if not thats fine too. The mom has zero priority over the dad, they are both equal.

Of course OP is concerned about continued emotional blackmail but she can tell her mom to stop and if her mom doesn't stop she can fo no contact until her mom acts reasonably.

Nothing the op posted shows any reason to other the father and exclude him from Thanksgiving.

If the mom wants to exclude herself that's up to her.

I know you're probably trolling but nothing in the OP indicated emotional blackmail. The mom set her very reasonable boundary: if her ex-H (and his wife!) are invited, she's not coming. The mom had plans first. She obviously wouldn't have invited ex-H to her home where Thanksgiving was originally planned and it was then moved to OP's house at OP's request. It wasn't right for OP to let her dad invite himself, knowing that her mom would not have anticipated spending a holiday with him. But I think OP will correct this by inviting dad on another day.

Dad has just as much right to spend Thanksgiving with OP as Mom. Mom is just a jealous old witch. She wants OP to feel guilty and feel sorry for her.

Do not cave in to your mom's blackmail op.

Yes dad has every right to make Thanksgiving plans with his daughter but he didn't. He just figured he'd maybe roll in to say hi when he was in town. Apparently meeting his grandchild didn't warrant a visit home so he'll take a chance he can swing by while he's in town for some other reason (probably to do with his wife). Hopefully, dad will be better about making Christmas plans with his daughter.

Yes he most certainly did. He called her and asked to be invited over and OP invited him,as she had every right to do. When ops mom found out, she insisted OP "disinvite" her father. The mom is a bitter narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her. That's why she's getting so much support at DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your dad is in town on Friday, meet him them. Or tell him that you already planned Thanksgiving dinner but could they come in the morning? Normally I'd say can't everyone just be adults, but you invited your mom for Thanksgiving and her birthday and now you are trying to include her least favorite person on the day. I'm a little bit team Mom here. Plus, I wouldn't want to deal with the tension during Thanksgiving dinner.

Mom should be told very clearly that attempting to dictate to her adult daughter who she can and can't invite into her own home, and when, is flat out abusive behavior. Team GTFO, Abusive Parent

You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team "why can't the parents suck it up for one meal"

NP. Seriously! Divorced baby boomers are the worst. They married each other for godsakes, and now they blame us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't ask for permission to invite her father.or approval. It's perfectly fine to invite ones parent and current partner for a holiday.

She title her thread mom is upset.

Op, it's ok to let your mom be upset.

She's an adult. She will get over it. Cut the apron strings already

OP also didn't plan to invite her dad. He said he would be there for Thanksgiving. That obliged her to invite him to dinner. It's the height of rudeness. Some of you apparently were raised in barns. The right thing to do is tell dad sorry you have plans but can see you at another time. It's not ok to just let mom be upset about your dick moves. What's wrong with you?

OP wasn't obliged to do anything. She didn't complain about her father. She complained about her mom's emotional blackmail. Learn to read. The worst thing to do in response to emotional blackmail is to give in to it. Her mom doesn't get Thanksgiving priority because she is willing to use blackmail. She can stay home.

That's what Mom is now planning to do. OP is now rethinking the horrible idea to let her dad crash the already planned party.

That's fine. Mom can stay home and sulk. And should. OP can entertain her dad and his gf on Thanksgiving. If the mom changes her mind fine, if not thats fine too. The mom has zero priority over the dad, they are both equal.

Of course OP is concerned about continued emotional blackmail but she can tell her mom to stop and if her mom doesn't stop she can fo no contact until her mom acts reasonably.

Nothing the op posted shows any reason to other the father and exclude him from Thanksgiving.

If the mom wants to exclude herself that's up to her.

I know you're probably trolling but nothing in the OP indicated emotional blackmail. The mom set her very reasonable boundary: if her ex-H (and his wife!) are invited, she's not coming. The mom had plans first. She obviously wouldn't have invited ex-H to her home where Thanksgiving was originally planned and it was then moved to OP's house at OP's request. It wasn't right for OP to let her dad invite himself, knowing that her mom would not have anticipated spending a holiday with him. But I think OP will correct this by inviting dad on another day.

Dad has just as much right to spend Thanksgiving with OP as Mom. Mom is just a jealous old witch. She wants OP to feel guilty and feel sorry for her.

Do not cave in to your mom's blackmail op.

Yes dad has every right to make Thanksgiving plans with his daughter but he didn't. He just figured he'd maybe roll in to say hi when he was in town. Apparently meeting his grandchild didn't warrant a visit home so he'll take a chance he can swing by while he's in town for some other reason (probably to do with his wife). Hopefully, dad will be better about making Christmas plans with his daughter.

Yes he most certainly did. He called her and asked to be invited over ,

LOL! What a father of the year.

[Anonymous]

You had a baby one month ago???

Easy. No one visits until baby has had vaccines.

Is this your first?

Welcome to the club. Lots random of illness going around right now. If I had an unvaccinated newborn, no way I’d take the risk.

I’m not talking about the pandemic. I’m talking about routine pediatric vaccinations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

Yup. She is grateful for scraps.

OP, did your mother suck it up for your wedding, or did she refuse to attend if your father was there? Because I know a lot of divorced parents who will suck it up on occasions that require it (graduations, etc) but given a choice, one of them will minimize time with the other, and for good reason.

Your mom really, really doesn't want to be around your dad, who isn't making you a priority. Why are you so desperate to see him?

[Anonymous]

OP here, so Thanksgiving with my dad is a non issue. He’s going to come for Christmas instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are terrible and this is 1,000% not your fault. It is not and will never be your job to referee them.

Nothing the OP said about her father indicates he is anything other than a good father.

Her mother is terrible, not her father.

Am I taking crazy pills?

OP had a baby a month ago, & dad has not made any move to meet the baby or visit/support his daughter in this big life event. The only time he offers to visit postpartum daughter & new grandchild is on thanksgiving, when he will “be in town” (so he’s not even making this visit for the purpose of seeing daughter/grandchild). And he offers to come over to meet them - and have a big dinner that they prepare & pay for.

OP didn’t say anything disparaging about her father, but this scenario tells a lot.

Yup. She is grateful for scraps.

OP, did your mother suck it up for your wedding, or did she refuse to attend if your father was there? Because I know a lot of divorced parents who will suck it up on occasions that require it (graduations, etc) but given a choice, one of them will minimize time with the other, and for good reason.

Your mom really, really doesn't want to be around your dad, who isn't making you a priority. Why are you so desperate to see him?

Neither parent wanted to deal with the other and stated they wouldn’t show up if the other attended. To avoid all the tension and drama, we just went to the courthouse. Neither were happy about that, but what else could we do?