My mom is upset over Thanksgiving plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually DH and I have Thanksgiving at my mom’s house and we make it a Thanksgiving/birthday celebration since her birthday is around Thanksgiving. However, we had a baby last month and decided we would have dinner at our house. We let my mom know and she was on board with the idea. However, my dad told me that he and my stepmom would be in town for Thanksgiving and they want to meet their new grandchild. My parents don’t get along at all. I asked my mom if it would be okay for them to come to dinner. She told me to uninvite them as she refuses to spend Thanksgiving and her birthday (it’s on Thanksgiving this year) with them. She told me if they come, she won’t come. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I’m torn on what to do. I just wish they could be adults for one day…

Where would they be otherwise or did they kind of invite themselves over? If so, it sounds like a power move on your Dad against your mom since he must know it is her birthday.

How far apart was your parent’s divorce and the start of his relationship with your step mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team mom.

You always spend it with her at her house. She agreed to celebrate at your house. Her actual birthday is the same day. And who would want to spend a whole day and your birthday with their ex.

Where has dad been? Who is he visiting. Why are you just hearing about this. Let him come over the day before or after.

Was their breakup amicable, prob not

This. OP, you and your baby were not your dad's priority. He made a plan to come to town, without consulting you, and is now working you in. Don't punish your mom for being familiar and reward your dad for being self centered.

This. Women are always so blinded by their poor behaving dads. He knows your mom doesn’t want to see him and he knows that you usually spend the holiday with her. He’s being a jerk by ignoring all of that and putting you in this position. You’ll see him later in the weekend. It doesn’t even sound like he’s coming to specifically be with you and I bet you your mom provides way more support to you on a regular basis then he does or will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team mom.

You always spend it with her at her house. She agreed to celebrate at your house. Her actual birthday is the same day. And who would want to spend a whole day and your birthday with their ex.

Where has dad been? Who is he visiting. Why are you just hearing about this. Let him come over the day before or after.

Was their breakup amicable, prob not

This. OP, you and your baby were not your dad's priority. He made a plan to come to town, without consulting you, and is now working you in. Don't punish your mom for being familiar and reward your dad for being self centered.

This. Women are always so blinded by their poor behaving dads. He knows your mom doesn’t want to see him and he knows that you usually spend the holiday with her. He’s being a jerk by ignoring all of that and putting you in this position. You’ll see him later in the weekend. It doesn’t even sound like he’s coming to specifically be with you and I bet you your mom provides way more support to you on a regular basis then he does or will.

Very much this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback everyone. I’m still torn on what to do, but I’m leaning towards telling my dad to come the next day so I don’t upset my mom. Plus I would hate for her to be alone on her birthday.

I applaud you, OP. This is the best approach.

[Anonymous]

Dad can meet his grandchild on Friday.

You said he'd be in town for Thanksgiving, not that he was coming to your house. So, clearly, you were 2nd on his agenda. Don't make him #1 on your agenda.

"I'd love for your to meet your grandchild, Dad. Unfortunately, I have already invited mom to dinner on Thanksgiving and since her birthday falls on the actual day, and because you two can't act like adults when together, you'll have to meet us on Friday."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your mom's choice to not come if your dad is coming. Don't feel bad.

This. She is acting like a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback everyone. I’m still torn on what to do, but I’m leaning towards telling my dad to come the next day so I don’t upset my mom. Plus I would hate for her to be alone on her birthday.

You are a new mom, so I’ll give you some grace. I can’t wait until your kid grows up and decides that you aren’t worth the trouble to adjust their plans so you don’t have to be alone on a holiday/birthday. You are already setting such a great example for them to follow! Signed mom of teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your mom's choice to not come if your dad is coming. Don't feel bad.

This. She is acting like a toddler.

Maybe. We have no idea what went down during the divorce. Regardless, it is what it is. Not realistic to expect her to be a totally different person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your mom's choice to not come if your dad is coming. Don't feel bad.

This. She is acting like a toddler.

You might too if you went through what she did with OP’s dad - you have no idea.

I agree that your mom’s reaction is kind of annoying, but she knows how hard it is to have a newborn and yet is still voicing this - I think it’s important to acknowledge her feelings. As others have pointed out, your dad is trying to invite himself last minute to a holiday dinner in an off-handed way, and he knows that would make your mom uncomfortable, and he knows that Thanksgiving is also an important holiday and birthday celebration for her. Not sure why you all have to be swung around by what is at best, his thoughtlessness. Protect the sweet safety of this time with your newborn and just keep them separated.

[Anonymous]

Team your mom OP. She changed the plan to be with you and she doesn't want to see her ex and his wife, never mind eat with them. Respect her feelings. This isn't your wedding where she has to suck it up for a public appearance. She had a plan with you first.

[Anonymous]

How is this even a question. It’s her birthday. Come on seriously is it that hard. See him in Friday. It’s just f’ing mean.

[Anonymous]

And you remind ALL of them that from here on out they need to remember that Baby Larla will be having one birthday and one dance recital and one school play, etc so if they’re going to want to participate in these milestones then they’re going to have to figure out how to manage because you won’t be playing referee among adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team you. New baby changes everything. Everyone is invited, everyone can come or not. Not your problem to manage the emotions about it other than your own. Baby is too young to have any. The end!

Oh shut up.

[Anonymous]

Dad come for lunch, mom come for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you remind ALL of them that from here on out they need to remember that Baby Larla will be having one birthday and one dance recital and one school play, etc so if they’re going to want to participate in these milestones then they’re going to have to figure out how to manage because you won’t be playing referee among adults.

Those sorts of events are different than a small Thanksgiving dinner. Focus is on the child. There's lots of people at a birthday party. Much easier to ignore each other.