Stuck being closest sibling to declining parent

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been doing your job for 5 years. It is exhausting.

A lot of the doctor's appointments with seniors are a bogus money grab. I'd keep canceling them. If she can't pay her bills I'd question prolonging her life.

Your mother will be seen at least once daily at the assisted living by a CNA. They will call 911 if she is bleeding out.

Your neighbor's counsel is wise. The slow fade.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Nope. You;re wrong. See the filial responsibility by state link a PP posted on a previous page. Pennsylvania did go after a child of an indigent senior and said child ended up having to pay over 100K.

What you neglect to mention is that the PA case is the *only* one in the entire United States in which a filial piety statute was litigated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really annoyed that I am the only sibling that lives in the same city as my mother who lives in assisted living. Both my other siblings live over 8 hours by far away. So by default I am the one that constantly is called by my mother who is in an assisted living place, by the assisted living place, by doctors, etc.

I was the least favorite child and it was apparent to all my family members. It wasn’t that I had such an awful upbringing just that I was never close to my mother. In contrast my younger sister was extremely close and my mother favored and adored her. My brother was also favored.

I have been doing a lot of the grunt work while my siblings rarely visit- every other year. It feels like I am having to do more work every year with medical appointments, managing bills ((she has mild cognitive impairment that is progressing to dementia so I find unpaid bills in her apartment), etc.

I want to opt out but how? Any ideas to pull away from this situation. I want to be the one visiting every other year.

Use call forwarding to your younger sister.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your siblings about hiring someone to manage the tasks that you are forced to handle, and split the costs. You can simply say you are no longer handling this.

[Anonymous]

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I may be the poster you consigned to hell.

I mean at this point, OP, are you a troll? Every suggestion we make is shot down by you. You did not tell us before we made those suggestions that your siblings had actually DECLINED medical bills, etc. Were we supposed to read your mind? Why do you value you siblings' opinions, if they declined to help their own mother?

If your family won't help your mother, what do you prefer to do? Drop the rope as well? Or continue to help and be extremely resentful an whine on DCUM? Or continue to help, knowing no one is ever going to properly thank you, and that you're only doing it out of compassion and duty?

You think you don't have choices, but you do. They are not the choices you want, but they are still choices. There is no right or wrong here.




PS: the actual answer here is that your parent needs to get into an institution where all her needs will be taken care of. A Medicare home. Give your siblings a timeline, and do it. You don't care what anyone thinks at this point. You're done.

After sympathizing with OP, I am starting to conclude OP is a troll. It won't take long until OP shoots down the next set of suggestions that kind posters have helpfully provided.

Not a troll. People who haven’t been in this situation don’t understand how taxing it is to be the point person. I don’t want to be the one who has the POA or health POA. I don’t want to find a care manager because then did potentially the next 10 years I am in charge of dealing with that person.

My neighbor gave me the best advice that I am going to follow. Be too busy to help out. Then it’s like a game of chicken. My mother is in an assisted living place but eventually will need a higher level of care. I am not going to be the one to figure out where she should go. I needed a plan to slow fade and the neighbors suggestion of going back to work full time is the answer I was looking for.

+1. I don’t think OP is a troll, having watched my mother get stuck as point person in this kind of scenario for many years. It is absolutely a game of chicken where whomever cares least wins, and the absent siblings in her case were utterly cynical about shirking any responsibility. And yes, “just set boundaries” is the correct answer, but that is far easier said than done in many cases. You have to be pretty cold to say “I’m not helping on this issue” when you’re a 10 minute drive away and no one else is anywhere close. There are no good answers in this situation.

I do this. My kids are more important to me than my parent. Granted, they weren’t the best. I’m not taking from my kids to give to said parent. It’s uncomfortable, but it is what it is.

Me too. After years of my own health deteriorating and building resentment a health issue forced me to see the light and now my health, my husband and kids come before her. She tantrummed a lot, but whatever. She also had a lot of people quit.

Back in the day my outsourced so she could do all sorts of leisure activities. I was left with 8 year olds, strangers, locked in hot cars while she ran an errand but ran into a friend and chatted for an hour. I am outsourcing so I can work, be a parent, spouse and not die before my mother. The care mom gets from people driving her places, etc is far better than what I got as a kid because at least these people are screened.

I have to laugh though. my own mother has re-written history when it comes to her (lack of) involvement with her own parents' needs. I had to touch base with my cousin because mom gaslit me so much. Cousin did in fact confirm that mom did very little and her sister and brother were livid. her excuses included fancy trips, it's too far, suddenly getting a bad cold, fear of flying (despite flying around the world for leisure), and other little gems.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Nope. You;re wrong. See the filial responsibility by state link a PP posted on a previous page. Pennsylvania did go after a child of an indigent senior and said child ended up having to pay over 100K.

What you neglect to mention is that the PA case is the *only* one in the entire United States in which a filial piety statute was litigated.

And $100K is nothing compared to the actual cost to your health (physical and mental). They won't go after you unless you have a shitton of money, in which case $100K will be nothing.

Having done all of this myself, and having also been involved in rationing healthcare at a policy-making level, caregivers and elders are exhausting. After 70, every year is a gift. Nothing you want should be taken seriously if it inconveniences anyone in any way. You should have moved yourself into AL by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Nope. You;re wrong. See the filial responsibility by state link a PP posted on a previous page. Pennsylvania did go after a child of an indigent senior and said child ended up having to pay over 100K.

What you neglect to mention is that the PA case is the *only* one in the entire United States in which a filial piety statute was litigated.

I don't think that PP actually read about the PA case. The nursing homes aren't suing the kids to pay for the parent's care because the parent ran out of money. They are suing because the kids screwed up the Medicaid and Medicare paperwork and the nursing home isn't being reimbursed. Some of this stems from parents who gift kids large sums of money, which makes them ineligible for Medicaid.

And last, from that very link to the PA case:

Nursing homes can sue all the children, regardless of fault, and let the children affix blame and seek reimbursement among each other. As a matter of strategy, nursing homes sometimes file this type of lawsuit in order to “get the attention” of the nursing home resident’s other children who may not be aware of the financial problems, and enlist their help in motivating the other family members to remit payment or cooperate in the Medicaid application process.

So in the worst case scenario, at least all the children will be responsible and OP can "get the attention" of her siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Nope. You;re wrong. See the filial responsibility by state link a PP posted on a previous page. Pennsylvania did go after a child of an indigent senior and said child ended up having to pay over 100K.

What you neglect to mention is that the PA case is the *only* one in the entire United States in which a filial piety statute was litigated.

I don't think that PP actually read about the PA case. The nursing homes aren't suing the kids to pay for the parent's care because the parent ran out of money. They are suing because the kids screwed up the Medicaid and Medicare paperwork and the nursing home isn't being reimbursed. Some of this stems from parents who gift kids large sums of money, which makes them ineligible for Medicaid.

And last, from that very link to the PA case:

Nursing homes can sue all the children, regardless of fault, and let the children affix blame and seek reimbursement among each other. As a matter of strategy, nursing homes sometimes file this type of lawsuit in order to “get the attention” of the nursing home resident’s other children who may not be aware of the financial problems, and enlist their help in motivating the other family members to remit payment or cooperate in the Medicaid application process.

So in the worst case scenario, at least all the children will be responsible and OP can "get the attention" of her siblings.

As a child, they tried to make me sign for financial responsibility with my personal funds. I refused but they were very slick about it.

[Anonymous]

Why are you helping so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

Nope. You;re wrong. See the filial responsibility by state link a PP posted on a previous page. Pennsylvania did go after a child of an indigent senior and said child ended up having to pay over 100K.

What you neglect to mention is that the PA case is the *only* one in the entire United States in which a filial piety statute was litigated.

I don't think that PP actually read about the PA case. The nursing homes aren't suing the kids to pay for the parent's care because the parent ran out of money. They are suing because the kids screwed up the Medicaid and Medicare paperwork and the nursing home isn't being reimbursed. Some of this stems from parents who gift kids large sums of money, which makes them ineligible for Medicaid.

And last, from that very link to the PA case:

Nursing homes can sue all the children, regardless of fault, and let the children affix blame and seek reimbursement among each other. As a matter of strategy, nursing homes sometimes file this type of lawsuit in order to “get the attention” of the nursing home resident’s other children who may not be aware of the financial problems, and enlist their help in motivating the other family members to remit payment or cooperate in the Medicaid application process.

So in the worst case scenario, at least all the children will be responsible and OP can "get the attention" of her siblings.

As a child, they tried to make me sign for financial responsibility with my personal funds. I refused but they were very slick about it.

Say more about their being slick.

Parents can divest money to children if it is done FIVE years before the Medicaid application. If it is done after, then the state will claw back.

My mother's nursing home said they would handle their Medicaid application and they screwed it up. I then hired a lawyer to handle it. The nursing home started hassling us about the outstanding bill. That ended fairly quickly when I pointed out that I wanted to use a lawyer and they told me not to worry about it as they were training their staff to handle applications in house.

FWIW, I have a professional grad degree (from an Ivy for those on here who snipe about that stuff) and I found the Medicaid application to be fairly byzantine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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You don't seem to understand what they can and cannot do here, OP.

Of course they can't drop in for visits. Flights or drives add up, in time and expense. And visiting wouldn't help with anything if you're whining about managing doctors and bills!

But you can tell the nursing home to call THEM when something needs to happen. Medical management, appointments, prescriptions, bills, etc, can all be done online. If she needs to be physically accompanied to the doctor, OK maybe you can do that, but you'll need to be very sure it's not a frivolous visit.

You're really trying very hard to be the martyr here. Some people enjoy it, because then they feel they have the moral high ground and are at liberty to complain a lot. Don't be like that.

I am trying NOT to be the martyr. It’s been a slow creep. She can’t find things because of cognitive decline and won’t throw away daily newspapers and magazines without prompting. If siblings never visit they can’t help decluttering. There is mail that is interspersed with the clutter.

My question is the best strategy to step back? All at once or gradually. I prefer not to lose extended family ties and worry family members will get really upset as I back off. Has anyone who has been in the thick of things figured out the best way to back way?

How much money do people have?

Is your mom still in charge of her own affairs?

Is it possible to move her to a different ALF, or to memory care or skilled nursing?

Could she qualify for hospice?

If there’s extra money, you and your siblings should hire a care manager to oversee your mom’s care and use paid services to take her to appointments and bring her things. If there was some hope of her leaving you an estate, give up on that hope. All of her resources have to go into paying for care.

Or, move her to a better ALF or other facility that provides more services in-house or a lot more of the transportation to outside services.

Or, give up on getting her services not required by some kind of filial obligation law and basic humanity. Fill painkiller prescriptions, but stop getting her any non-emergency care that’s not somehow required by law. Or, if your mom is still competent, she can pay for the care and arrange for the transportation, but make it clear If possible, put her in hospice.

NP here
What OP is describing doesn't necessarily meet my understand of what hospice is.

What part of hospice do you think would help OP's mother?

First, the part where a hospice nurse visits and keeps tabs a bit on the facility.

Second, when my father entered hospice. out-of-facility care went away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you helping so much?

You don't wake up one day and start helping out endless hours. It is a slow relentless creep. As parents age some need more and more and more help. They also get more demanding. It is so depressing because at least with a toddler they get easier as they age while with aging parents every year they decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I agree with others suggesting that this really is a “you” problem. Expecting your brothers and sisters to spend their vacation time taking care of your mother is unrealistic. And, even if they did it, it would just put a dent in your responsibilities. What good is having your brother or sister in town for a week or two going to do in the grand scheme of things?

You simply have to decide that you are going to do less yourself. You cannot decide that your brothers and sisters are going to do more. The only thing you can even consider doing when it comes to them is to hit them up for more money to help pay others to assist your mother. But beyond money, there’s nothing you can do, and if they say no to money, there’s also nothing you can do. This is all up to you.

Says the sibling who never helps out. Pound sand.

DP
OP can also choose to never help out. She's making the choice to do it.

Of course it is a choice. She is doing it because it is the right thing to do. Her siblings are losers!

This is how women get guilted into negating their own needs and spend their life catering to kids, husbands and parents. The right thing to do is for this woman to prioritize her own life. The siblings can move closer, travel back and forth, hire help or just leave mom on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not gotten any benefits. My siblings had their children at younger ages so our mother was able to babysit their kids, take them on trips to Disney, etc. My kids have no memory of their grandmother being all there physically or mentally.

I have asked siblings to set up POA, start paying bills etc. I called one doctor and asked that they send the bill to one sibling and they told me they tried to do that but when they called the sibling said they didn't want it. They are too busy.

So the person who said with a sigh (special place in hell for you) just make a conference call, wave my magic wand and get it set up clearly doesn't understand dealing with an elderly difficult parent with out of town siblings who are in denial. There isn't a lot of money. Hiring someone to do things takes a person to be in charge to hire the person. I don't want to do it and my siblings just delay because they are in denial. Moving to a different facility requires visiting them, convincing her to move, hiring movers, etc. I don't want to do that either as it would suck up so much time and mental effort.

I need strategies of someone who has been through this who has worked their way out of being so involved. My mother could pass away next year or ten years from now.

Your siblings are not in denial and your mother is not being difficult, they are squeezing you as long as you allow it. The only “strategy” for people in your position is to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see some people telling you that you need to just tell your siblings to do x, y and z and they should do these things. I found that advice useless. You cannot force, manipulate, guilt trip anyone into doing something they don't want to do. All you can do is focus on your own boundaries.

That is where the choice comes in. You calmly inform siblings you have done all you will be doing. You found these professionals to take on bills, medical visits, case management, etc. It costs this much a month. They have 3 choices...we hire these people with mom's money, they find people they think are better/more reasonably priced or they take on the tasks themselves. When/if they try to guilt trip you, you calmly make it clear you are done and you will only do f. When they push you remind them there are 3 choices. Then perhaps have a deadline that if they haven't made a decision by this time you will go forward with the hiring.

If the siblings live in a state where the state can come after negligent children, I’d pull that card too

I didn't even know that was a thing. But I guess it is, and it's called "older adult abandonment" or "elder abandonment" and apparently every state has a law that addresses it. Here's one definition:

"Older adult abandonment is the purposeful and permanent desertion of a vulnerable adult over 65. In general, a vulnerable adult struggles to maintain their physical or mental health. This is usually because the older adult suffers from mental incapacity or disability. The victim may be left at their home, a hospital, an assisted living facility, a nursing home, or a public location. The person doing the abandoning may feel overburdened or believe they lack the resources to care for the victim."

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/elder-abandonment.html

So this description actually addresses what OP would be doing if they were to stop providing care. This does not describe what the siblings are doing, since they never started to provide care in the first place.

I think "left at X location" means dropped off on the side of the road. It doesn't mean enrolling the senior at the facility and paying for it out of their estate. The latter is what we encourage OP to do.

Nice backpedaling. What if there’s no estate? The state will come after the kids to pay with these laws in place.

Whaaaaat??? The state will never force kids to pay for their parents elder care! Most of the country does not have adequate retirement funds. That's what Medicare and Medicaid are for. You really think there are armies of case workers and lawyers chasing down the children of seniors who ran out of money???

That link above states that basic needs must be met: food, home, medical, health, hygiene. All of these are covered by assisted living. In no way is putting a person in assisted living and then letting the facility do its job "abandonment."

You do know how much these places cost, right? Think over $10,000/month for fairly basic custodial care. Most people can’t afford that for very long, if at all. Medicaid only pays if someone is destitute and then only if a Medicaid funded bed is available.